Juanita Lepage MSW, RSW, BHP

Counselling & Energy Healing (289) 812-8089

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Free Solo – Perfectionism: The Wound And The Gift

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Imagine climbing a 3,200 foot wall of sheer granite. Now imagine doing that without a rope and a camera crew recording you. Next invite some close friends and have them watch you too. If you fall, you die.

Free Solo is the 2019 Oscar-winning documentary that chronicles Alex Honnold’s journey to doing just that and living to tell about it. The above photo is one of El Capitan in Yosemite National Park.

Even as a viewer who knows the end of the story, there are still times when it’s hard to watch. If you haven’t watched this movie, go do it. Far from a clinical documentation of doing a climb, this movie captures the emotional process of Alex’s close friends, his mother, and his girlfriend as he makes preparations to free-solo El Capitan.

In the words of his good friend and fellow climber Tom Caldwell, “There’s no margin for error. Imagine an Olympic-gold-medal-level athletic achievement that if you don’t get that gold medal, you’re going to die. That’s pretty much what free soloing El Cap is like. You have to do it perfectly.”

The Gift & The Wound

As a psychotherapist, I couldn’t help but see the root of Alex’s journey being so similar to every person that I see. A journey with one’s interpersonal wounds that is both a gift pushing you to places you never you knew you could go and also something that can cause great internal pain. That finely-woven place is perfectionism in this film. Free Solo beautifully captures the pains and pleasure of perfectionism.

Perfectionism

The Pain of Perfectionism

The exploration of perfectionism is one theme in the movie Free Solo. The movie asks the question, “What is it about Alex that makes him want to free solo El Capitan?” We get glimpses of his childhood, his personality, and his close personal relationships. Alex shares that one of his wounds is perfectionism.

Some possible messages that a perfectionist receives as a child is, “If you don’t do it perfectly, I won’t love you”, or “If you do it perfectly, only then I will love you”, or “You’ll never be enough unless you are perfect”. This message may never have even been said out-loud by a parent, but it’s one that is synthesized from experiences interacting with a parent. Over time there may be no outside voice saying these things – only the dialogue in your mind.

As viewers we can judge his parents as not meeting his emotional needs (creating a wound), and yet if they hadn’t been who they were, Alex may have never done something so exquisitely perfect and daring. The wound becomes a gift in this area of his life.

The Pleasure of Perfectionism

This movie also shows the great pleasure that Alex receives from doing something perfectly. Watch him at the end of the movie and you see a spark of ectasy within Alex. See the light in his eyes as he contemplates free-soloing El Capitan. Perfectionism combined with determination, skill, and a warrior spirit creates a master.

There is clearly more than perfectionism that is at play in creating the perfect chemistry and set of circumstances for Alex choosing to free solo El Capitan, yet it is a key element to his success.

The Edge

Sometimes perfectionism can become less of a gift and more of a wound in our lives. It is often in these circumstances that a person will seek counselling because they realize that no one is creating such high standards for them except themself. They realize that perfectionism in some circumstances is pleasurable and helpful but that in other areas it creates problems in their family and friend relationships, their work, or in other aspects of their lives. There can be fear that in changing that you might lose your edge. My question before exploring perfectionism, is to reflect on whether it’s creating more pain or pleasure in your life.

The Many Forms of Perfectionism

Perfectionism may not show itself as a person who looks perfect all the time, it has many forms. My strain of perfectionism doesn’t show up in doing something perfectly, but in doing something efficiently. There can be perfectionism in doing something efficiently. Efficiency done perfectly can be a beautiful thing. It can also be highly stressful, annoying, and painful.
Over time I’ve found pleasure in conciously choosing to do something inefficiently or buying an item that is more expensive and less practical.

Where do you hold incredibly high standards for yourself in your life? Does it create pleasure or pain for you? What kind of perfectionist are you?

“The wound is where the light enters you.” Rumi


The Authentic Self Is The Soul Made Visible.

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While sifting through many quotes today, I found this quote that resonated with me about authenticity. One of the benefits of psychotherapy is helping you connect to the deeper parts of yourself, perhaps to a place that can feel lost, hazy, or buried. Many problems can occur in our lives when we lose connection with this part of ourselves.

Have you listened to that deeper part of yourself recently?

A Podcast & 3 Books To Stir Up Some Conversation

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It’s winter time, and while I’m working, it also feels a little bit like hibernation time. In southern Ontario the temperature can fluctuate 40 degrees Celsius in the span of a few days. Just last week it was -30 and then we had 3 balmy days of 10 degrees. And then an ice storm. During my free time I’ve been doing a lot of reading and listening to podcasts. Here is a glimpse into what I’ve been into for the past 2 months. There’s Russell Brand‘s podcast Under The Skin, Tara Westover‘s memoir Educated, Daemon Fairless‘ book Mad Blood Stirring, and Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson‘s parenting book The Yes Brain.

Podcasts

Under The Skin by Russell Brand

I’ve been a fan of Russell Brand since the movie, Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Russell Brand’s podcast Under The Skin Podcast mixes three things I enjoy: spirituality, irreverance, and humour. Or any serious topic with a splash of irreverence and curiosity. I’ve listened to his interviews with Tony Robbins, Kehinde Andrews, and Gabor Maté. Gabor Maté’s interview (#053) has been my favourite so far – Damaged Leaders Rule An Addicted World. 
Next on my list is an interview with Marianne Williamson.

3 Books

Educated by Tara Westover. As a woman who grew up in a conservative Christian church, this book touched a lot of my edges. This is a memoir of her life growing up in rural Idaho in a Mormon household, with a father who had an undiagnosed mental illness, and never attending school. Through many acts of grace she gets her PhD. The mormon upbringing, like many religions is very patriarchal. She shares her journey of how she survived when the head of her household could not make a lot of rational decisions when he was in the manic phase of his mental illness. Her education through most of her childhood is of a different sort than her school-attending peers. 

Mad Blood Stirring: The Inner Lives of Violent Men by Daemon Fairless. I recently saw an Osteopath, and one of his questions was whether I’d been in any bar fights. I laughed and said no. He said I’d be surprised at how many people say yes to that question. I was reading this book at the time, and I could believe that fact.  

Try this: Ask yourself (whichever gender you are) and also ask a man in your life whether they think about the safety of those they cherish and what they’d do to protect them on any given basis (being at home, walking the streets, being near people fighting on the subway) .  I was talking with a group of women who asked their male partners this question and we were all a little surprised about their responses. Many men, even if they have not grown up in dangerous or violent situations, think about this all the time according the book and according to the men our lives, but it is not something that gets talked about.

Take one look at this cover and you’ll either be drawn to read it or repelled. Daemon is a Canadian author who takes the reader on a personal journey reflecting on his own desire to be violent while adding research and interviews with men who are in prison for their violence. This book is all over the place, yet it’s worth persisting if anything to learn more about his own personal journey.

The Yes Brain by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Tina Payne Bryson falls into the my favourite category of parenting – conscious parenting.  In a nutshell, conscious parenting is being curious about when you are triggered by your child’s actions or emotions, and then doing your own work on why you were triggered instead of taking it out on your child. 

Hitting never works in the long run, even if you rationalize that you grew up with it and turned out fine.  Yelling is about you and less about your child. Conscious parenting does not mean that boundaries are not set or that your child will always be happy. Not setting boundaries sends a message to our children as well. If we have an anxious child and never have our children do anything uncomfortable, we send a message that we don’t believe they can do it either. 

Like any book in the realm of conscious parenting, the journey is about being compassionate to yourself, because EVERY parent is triggered by their children (yes, me too).  If you’ve yelled, hit, or have difficulty setting boundaries, get curious and consider that there are different approaches.  There is NO such thing as a perfect parent. Here’s a link to my previous post The Myth of Perfect Parenting, which includes tips if you’re curious about the conscious parenting approach. 

I liked how this book gives practical tips of teaching our children about self-soothing and identifying when they could make a different choice. The authors give guidance about teaching children about entering the red zone (anger/tantrums/bullying)  and blue zones (anxiety, hiding, sadness).  The tips include breathing methods, compassion, validation, and courage to make a different choice.

Sometimes when reading these types of books I get annoyed at very “therapyesque” conversations with children. This book has some of that too. I rarely speak like this with my kids either – it’s more important to take the essence of what the authors suggest and say it in your own words, otherwise it can come across as annoying and patronizing to our kids.

Summary

Russell Brand’s podcast and each of these books are pivot points to our own self-reflection about religion, education, parenting, politics, spirituality, violence & masculinity and more. They’re also great in discussion with friends, family, or peers. Let me know which one piques your interest the most or whether you’ve already listened to Russell Brand’s podcast or read any of the books. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Until next time….

A Simple Guide On How To Use Sound Healing To Improve Our Health

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For my birthday this year, I asked my husband for a crystal singing bowl.  You can see me playing it in the photo above.  More and more research has been showing the physical and emotional benefits of healing through sound. Benefits can include reduction in stress, better focus, reduction in pain, and so much more.  We can experience the benefits in an indirect way when we attend church or a concert or we can seek out specific types of sound to accelerate healing in targeted areas of our life with a sound healing practitioner.

I hope this article helps you reflect on where sound has been healing for you in your life and gives you ideas to explore sound healing in a deeper way.

Sound Healing With A Group

When I was a kid, I went to church twice every Sunday.  A lot of my experience at church was boring as a child. There was always a congregational prayer listed as an item on the agenda for the service. Before I knew what the word congregational meant, I thought it meant long and boring. As an adult of course I can appreciate that it was a prayer for individuals in our congregation, but as I kid I did not.  So where am I going with this? What I want to highlight is that amidst the boring parts, the thing I loved the most about church was the music and singing. My favourite memory was every Christmas when the congregation sang the song Glory to God with the organ and the piano.  It always moved me to tears when I heard the passion and heart from a group of 200 people.  The congregation sang it in English or in Dutch.  Here is one version below.

Singing with a large group of people can be a very healing experience for both adults and children, especially with a song that everyone loves.  If I were to guess, I would hypothesize that when we sing a song with a large group, our chakras open and our connection strengthens to eachother, the divine, and the earth. Just think of a concert you went to and the feelings evoked as thousands of people sang the lyrics to a song. The first concerts that come to mind for me are with Sarah McLachlan singing Your love is better than Chocolate or the band Radiohead singing Karma Police. I have never seen Coldplay live, but I think it would be a lot of fun to do so. Here’s their hit Paradise at a concert in Paris.

Sound Healing At Home

Beyond listening to great music in our homes, there are things we can listen to in an intentional way to improve mood, decrease stress, decrease pain and vibrationally lift us up as we heal emotional wounds.  Have you ever been in a room and even though no one is in there, you can just feel ickiness or an unfinished argument in the air? Sound can be used to clear a space.

Binaural Beats

Binaural Beats are when two slightly different frequencies of sound are played into each ear creating another sound in your brain. So you put on your earbuds and a different frequency is sent to each ear.  Research has been showing it can improve anxiety, balance mood, decrease pain and more. Here’s an article that includes the science behind binaural beats and 9 different ways they have been helpful for people.

Where Can I Find Binaural Beats?

It’s easy to listen to binaural beats for free.  Simply go to Youtube and search for it and you will find a plethora of options.  Spotify also has binaural beats available in its catalogue and I’m guessing Apple Music would have it too.

Acoustic Brain Research

Tom Kenyon is a psychotherapist and healer (among many other things) who has scientifically studied the impact of sound on healing. Over the years he was a psychotherapist he’d start to encompass sound into some of his sessions.  He started to study the healing benefits of sound. Here is a post to learn more about science of sound healing in general.  Similar to binaural beats, research is showing benefits of reduction of stress, improving relaxation and focus and so much more.

Where Can I Find Tom Kenyon’s Music

You can either get a cd or download his music from Tom Kenyon’s store.

Dreamtime Medicine

I was lucky to meet Callie Whitworth at the Barbara Brennan School of Healing.  Every year our school had an evening of artistic performances. Callie always sang, and I wasn’t the only one wowed during our last year when she found something deep inside her and went to where her music wanted to take her.  I’ve tried playing binaural beats & Tom Kenyon’s music to my kids and by far their favourite is Callie’s voice.

Where Can I Find Callie Whitworth’s Music

To listen to a sample of Callie’s music or buy her cd Vibrations in the Wind, you can visit her website Dreamtime Medicine.

Sound Healing Sessions With A Practitioner

Once you’ve started to explore sound healing, it can be a wonderful experience to see a practitioner who devotes an hour to personalize sound healing to your needs.  Once you open this box, you will find that there any many different types of sound healers available in your geographic area.  Here’s a few to get you started.

Toronto

Lianne Graham

Located on Bloor Street West, my friend Lianne has expanded her Reiki practice to include sessions that include the use of tuning forks.  Different tuning forks are used at different points and chakras on the body. Tuning forks combined with Reiki? Sign me up. You can find her at LianneGraham.com.

Texas

Dreamtime Medicine

So Texas is large, but if you’re close to San Antonio, you can find Callie Whitworth and her beautiful studio.  Callie combines Brennan Energy Healing with the sound of her voice. I was lucky enough to receive a session this past spring that left me wishing I lived closer.  You can find her at DreamtimeMedicine.com.

Ireland

John Reilly

For my European friends, if you want an option that’s closer to you, I’d encourage you to try a sound healing with my friend John Reilly in Dublin, Ireland. John is also a graduate of the Barbara Brennan School of Healing.  He always brought his set of Tibetan singing bowls to each week in Florida and gave sound healings to individuals and groups.  He places the bowls at different points and chakras on the body to create an incredibly healing experience. You can find out more about John at OpenSourceHealer.com.

Hamilton

Yoga & Sound Healing at De La Sol Yoga Studios

If you practice yoga, an easy way to experience the benefits of sound can be a session at De La Sol Yoga Studios in Hamilton. Peter Monos leads the group in a gentle Yin Yoga while playing his Tibetan Singing Bowls. I always leave each session feeling both relaxed and re-energized. You can find out the class schedule at De La Sol Yoga Studios.

Sound & Spirituality

Sound can also be used to help us on our spiritual journey using the methods above or in many other ways.  In my next blog post I will share about some of my experiences with sound & spirituality from journeying to Nepal to experiencing a group event with Tom Kenyon this past October.

What types of experience with sound healing have been healing for you? I’d love to hear about what you enjoy the most.

 

 

2 Songs To Bring Light To Your Day

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As Madonna sang, “Music, makes the people come together”…

My experience at the Barbara Brennan School of Healing(BBSH) helped me rediscover my love for dance.  I haven’t taken any dance classes, but I still like to move.  During my university years I enjoyed dancing with my friends at a club or bar.  At BBSH, during each school week we had a morning dance class and one evening where we danced at the end of the week.  No alcohol, no substance use – just dancing.

The morning dance class was similar to ecstatic dance. Ecstatic dance is pretty much dancing in whatever way the music inspires you to move.  I’ve been missing that dance class, so i’ve reached out locally to start a similar group one morning a month. Once it’s official, I share more about the details.  While creating some playlists, I came across 2 songs that I wanted to share with you to add some light to your day.  These delicate, heart-felt songs embody the element of air.  I couldn’t help but feel a little more lightness to my step after listening to them.

Song 1: Can’t Help Falling Love by Kinna Grannis

Have you seen Crazy Rich Asians?  If you have you may have been just as haunted as I was by Kina Grannis’ cover of Can’t Help Falling In Love

Song 2:  Girl by SYML

Thank you Spotify for leading me to this song.

Hope you find some space to dance today.  Until next time.

Juanita