Juanita Lepage MSW, RSW, BHP

Counselling & Energy Healing (289) 812-8089 Hamilton & Burlington

Juanita’s Blog

How To Dance With Anger

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Anger. This emotion is so often disregarded. We disregard another person’s anger or we disregard our own anger. We can try to do anything to avoid another person’s anger or avoid our own anger. We can try to convince ourselves that the time we yelled or treated someone horribly, that we had good reason.

This article will give you one path to truly let go of your anger. I’ll be giving you 3 steps, and sorry, you can’t skip the first 2 and jump to number three, even though you might be tempted. Emotions need to be felt before they are met with reason. As someone once said,

“No one in the history of being told to calm down, has ever calmed down”.

The Pendulum of Anger

Anger can make us really uncomfortable. We are told, “Get over it”, “Let it go”, “What’s the point in being angry? It doesn’t change anything”.

OR

We can be told that our horrible actions were justified because another person “had it coming”.

What Do We Do With Anger?

The remedy to anger is to:

1) Acknowledge your anger

2) Feel your anger in a way that suits your personality, and

3) Reflect on what about the situation made you angry.

Step 1: Acknowledge Your Anger

This is the unfiltered part of what is making you angry, even if it’s “irrational”. “I hate the way that person looked at me.” “That person is being an asshole.” And all the softer or louder interpretations of those words.

The goal is not to say these words to person who triggered you. It’s to either say these words out loud (e.g. in the bathroom, while walking, or in your head, whichever approach suits the situation you’re in.

Step 2: Feel Your Anger In a Way that Suits Your Personality

Sometimes a loud person thinks they need to show their anger more quietly and a quiet person thinks they need to express their anger loudly. If you want to try either of those on, go ahead, but there is not one best way to express your anger.

That being said, it is always your responsibility not to take your anger out on another person.

So where can you express your anger in a respectful way?

There are an infinite number of ways to express anger, the adventure is finding out what is most suited to your personality. It can be saying it your head while you feel the anger. It can be going for a run and screaming in the forest. It can be shouting in your car with the music on. It can be daring to put it onto paper and ripping it up. It can be taking out the energy of that anger into a sport you play.

What feels right to you? Experiment with different options.

Step 3: Reflect on What About the Situation Made You Angry

We can’t move on until we have owned and felt our often long-repressed anger. We need to get curious about where our anger comes from. Are we projecting child-hood frustrations and problems onto the people around us? Are we minimizing our feelings because we’ve been taught that our feelings aren’t important?

Do you have the tendency to blame when you feel anger?

OR

Do you have the tendency to take responsibility for other people’s feelings, thoughts, and behaviours?

Both of these tendencies are LEARNED from somewhere. If we can realize the source of our reactions, this gives us insight when another similar situation occurs and the chance to respond differently. Maybe you’ve under-reacted to situations where you could have set boundaries. Maybe you’ve over-reacted to situations that were a little too close to home.

Compassion, Not Perfection

Anger is a misunderstood emotion in our society, so it can take time to change a habit that has often been engrained for years if not decades. So if you catch yourself in another situation and you respond the same you’ve always responded, pause and show yourself some compassion. “Of course I reacted that way, that’s really not too surprising because I’ve responded that way for decades! Next time I’ll try again”.

After giving yourself compassion, reflect on what you need to do.

Do you need to apologize if you have treated a person poorly? Notice if you want to blame your angry behaviour on someone else.

OR

Notice if you want to blame someone else’s angry behaviour on yourself. Do you need to make an intentional choice NOT to apologize? Consider ways to set a boundary with that person.

As always, when you stuck or overwhelmed by a situation or an emotion, it’s good to seek support from someone who is compassionate, honest, and encouraging.
What have you found to be the best way to help you with your anger?

Seagull expressing her emotions

Resources

  • If you want a few more curious questions to help you with Step #3 (What about the situation made me angry) OR you’re a parent and want to explore how to support your child’s anger, here’s a previous blog I wrote Anger What Is It Good For? A quick tip is to notice your tendency to problem-solve, and try validating. “I can guess why you would be angry about that” AND give them 3 reasons why you think they might be angry. The goal is not to be accurate or even agree with why they might be angry. The goal is to connect with that person and show them you care about them. Acknowledged anger diffuses it.
  • The book The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner is an excellent read for anyone exploring their own response to anger. It is written with the lens of supporting women, but it’s really a book for anyone.

Overwhelmed? 3 Strategies To Filter Out the Noise

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With summer coming to a close, the energy of fall will be upon us shortly. Fall is an excellent time to reflect on all the things we kept or added to our plate in 2019 and choose which items to keep, add, or let go.

One of the best books I’ve read in 2019 is Greg McKeown’s Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. It’s a business book and not a therapy book, but the tools for getting essential in business are the same anywhere else in your life. Today I’m going to share a few tools to help you determine how to filter out the excess in your life or counter any FOMO (fear of missing out) that you’re experiencing.

Using Our Values As Our Guides

Step # 1: Choosing Your Top 3 Priorities

When life gets overwhelming, it’s important to sit down and ask yourself, “What are my top 3 values in my life right now?” Even better if you can rate each item #1, #2, & #3. If you’re tempted to pick more, don’t! Then the exercise defeats the purpose.

Some Options: Family, Romantic Relationship, Work/Career, Health, Spirituality, Animals, Environment, School/Education, Philanthropy, Friends, Sports, Travel, Investing, Adventure, Having Fun, Self-Growth

There’s a million more you could you choose from, and each of the above items could be narrowed to be more specific – “My child who’s struggling in school, my dog, spending time with my 2 best friends, playing basketball, planning a trip to Greece, my mental health or my physical health, and so on.

After some reflection I chose #1 Family, #2 Work/Career, and #3 Health. I decided to have Family include my relationship with my kids and with my husband and then extended family. What did you choose?

Step #2: Using Your Top 3 Priorities To Shape Your Lens

Now create a list of things you’re wondering about whether to keep doing or to start doing and ask yourself, “Does this item fit into my top 3 Priorities?” If it doesn’t, cross if off of your list. If you don’t want to cross it off, take a moment to reflect if you need to choose a different top priority so that you can keep it, or whether there’s another reason you don’t want to let go of it.

Step #3: Experiment for 1 week

Each day notice when you have multiple choices at once and then pause. Choose the item that fits your top priority. I had a day where I was supposed to go out and see a group of women I enjoy spending time with, however one of my sons had a really rough day and needed some extra attention. In that moment I reflected on my priorities and decided that my son in that moment was my priority. This decision paid off as through spending time together we were able to connect, communicate and problem-solve.

At other times I may have chosen differently if my mental health tank was getting close to empty and nourishing my own mental health was more important. Then I may have chosen to see friends so that later I could come home and be a better mom after meeting my own needs. In that moment I may have moved health to #1 and family to #2.

Each day for one week spend time to reflect at the end of the day whether you spent your time during your day devoted to your top 3 values and times that you didn’t. Where you can make a change?

Tool #2: Simple Ways to Manage FOMO

This is a tool right from Greg McKeown’s book Essentialism (p. 111).

What is the Opportunity being offered you right now?

What are your 3 minimum criteria for this option to be considered?

What are your 3 extreme or ideal criteria for this option to be approved?

In order for you to say yes to this opportunity, it needs to meet all 3 of your minimum critieria and at least 2 of your extreme critiera. With this in mind, create your criteria.

Here is mine I created for Training opportunities related to my work. (Note: First I narrowed my focus on work by creating my top priority for my job as a therapist – Providing High-Quality Psychotherapy to my clients. I created other priorities too, but will keep them out for simplicity)

Minimum:

  1. Does it target one of my top 2 priorities for work?
  2. Does the leader of this training an expert in this field?
  3. Does the training incorporate engaging and interactive learning?

Maximum

  1. Is it within my budget?
  2. Do I have gut “yes!!” reaction to this opportunity
  3. Are there clear guidelines, expectations, and accountability built into this course?

I’m the kind of person who sometimes says yes to a course because it’s really cheap and has a small time commitment. Often this leaves me disappointed in the course because I didn’t do any further research. I’m also the kind of person who likes to go with my gut reaction to make decisions. This information is important, but it can’t be my only critieria because once I start the training I’m annoyed at myself if the training is boring or there’s no accountability built in or it’s uninspiring.

What are few opportunities that you’ve joined or considered getting involved in? This exercise can also be used for opportunities you’re wondering whether to stay involved with or keep in your life.

Tool # 3 For The People Pleaser – Setting Boundaries

When people make their problem our problem, we aren’t helping them; we’re enabling them (McKeown, 2014 p. 168).

I don’t know about you, but I’m definitely a people pleaser for some things in my life. Many of us learn this early in life and continue this pattern and later realize that boy, we’re awfully tired and don’t seem to have time for anything fun.

Boundaries are essential in helping us determine where to put our energy into our life. Do you ever get the feeling that someone, while innocently asking you a question, really hasn’t put any energy into their own research? Do you have that one parent who always asks you to watch their kids but never watches yours? Do you have that person who asks you to take the extra shift because you don’t have kids so you must have more time? Do have that friend or colleague who stops mid-conversation to answer a text?

Did any of your top values include you and your well-being? If they didn’t, get curious about this and consider adding something related to you. If you always value others before yourself, then this a recipe for burnout.

Notice in your personal or work life where your boundaries are being crossed. Then ask yourself – is the request that person is making fit one of your top 3 priorities?

Self-reflection: What are my boundaries in my work relationships, romantic relationships, with family or friends? In what situations do I always put others first? Psychotherapy can help if you get stuck with this question.

If you can’t articulate {your boundaries} to yourself and others, it may be unrealistic to expect other people to respect them or even figure them out (McKeown, 2014, p. 169-170).

Conclusion

Connecting with our values, knowing our minimum & maximum critieria to say yes to opportunities and knowing and setting our boundaries are 3 ways that can offer clarity and help the overwhelm diminish in our lives. I noticed the anxiety I sometimes feel when I look at a busy week, start to disappear when I take time to shape my week in a way that fits my values and respects my boundaries.

If you’re interested in learning more, Greg McKeown has many more strategies in his book Essentialism. Good luck!

References

McKeown, G. (2014). Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. New York: Penguin Random House LLC.

How To Give The Gift Of Presence

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During the open house of my new office location, I was inspired to offer a presence experiment. A friend gave me the idea as inspired by the performance artist Marina Abramović . Marina sat for 7 hours a day for 100 days at the Museum of Modern Art in 2010. She sat silently in a wooden chair with an open invitation for people to sit across from her as she gazed at them.

The Presence Experiment

Thinking that calling it the “Psychotherapist is Present” might be a little too intimidating, I called it the Presence Experiment. I invited people to come in to my space and sit across from me for 5 minutes. People were invited to come in by themselves or with others and were told that I’d silently gaze at them for 5 minutes and they were welcome to return my gaze or not. The timer was put on and we began.

In all honesty, while being excited about doing this experiment, I was also really nervous. I both hoped and didn’t hope for people to participate. In the end I sat with around 25 people and when I went home, my husband commented about how present I was with him.

The Response

I was lucky to have my landlord Tracy and her husband as my first participants. Afterwards we all commented that we felt calmer and more present. Whereas I am more of an introvert and would wait for people to come and find me, Tracy is an extrovert and started to send people my way to try it out. So the part of me that wanted to hide during the event didn’t get a chance.

I sat with all kinds of different people of different ages, races, and genders. Most people sat as a group and some people sat on their own. Some people returned my gaze, some experimented with holding my gaze and some closed their eyes. Some people giggled, and others felt annoyed if I spent more time gazing at one person over an another. As a whole the response was very positive.

Sometimes 5 minutes could feel like 30 minutes and sometimes it felt like 3 minutes. Afterwards I felt more grounded, connected and present with others and myself.

Try This At Home

Variation #1: Gazing at eachother

For variation # 1, I encourage you try it exactly as I listed out in this article with a friend or family member.

  • Put the timer on for 5 minutes
  • Sit across from eachother gazing into eachothers eyes. Try to keep your energy within yourself without an intent to influence the other or gaze into the depths of their soul. The goal is to simply be with one another without an agenda.
  • Notice how you feel afterwards

Variation #2: Presence during an activity

For variation #2, I encourage you to simply be present with a child, pet, a plant, a loved one, or yourself for 5 minutes.

  • With a child let them take the lead and give them neutral responses, “I see you like this game, what’s this you’re making?” and try to resist any impulse to lead or give them feedback . Try to avoid “you shouldn’t say that, don’t do that, why don’t we do x, y, z, what an amazing drawing you’ve made!”. Imagine you are an anthropoligist with them for 5 minutes and they are showing you their world.
  • With a pet, spend time just petting your cat, walking your dog, gazing at your fish or how ever else you like to spend time with your pets.
  • With a plant or tree spend your time connect either by leaning against the tree or gazing at it for 5 minutes.
  • With another adult, do something similar as to the instructions as when you’re with a child. Have a 5 minute conversation with them and try to resist any impulse to lead or give them feedback. Do an activity for 5 minutes together of anything that doesn’t involve screens.
  • With yourself it can feel more like mindfulness – notice your thoughts and emotions as you do an activity of your choice. Try not to change your thoughts or emotions, just notice as a witness.
  • Notice the impact of this experience on your relationship with the person you did this with. Notice how you and the other person feel too.

Conclusion

Psychotherapy involves presence, sometimes with silence and sometimes without silence. Presence as a concept can be felt and experienced by anyone, wherever and however they choose to feel it. If you notice that you struggle with being present, you’re not alone. I doubt that 5 years ago I could’ve intentionally sat with a person in silence for 5 minutes, it felt like too much. So start with the variation that feels best for you. Let me know how it goes!

New Hamilton Location

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It is always bittersweet to change locations. I have enjoyed my time at 16McMurray street in Dundas, and I will especially miss the fish tank and the Dundas locale. That being said, I am excited to share my new location as of June 17 at 430 York Blvd in Hamilton at the Hamilton Centre for Personal Development. It is a beautiful space that I’m looking forward to sharing with you.

I will be keeping my Thursday Burlington location for now.

The new space is located at the corner of Locke street and York Blvd in Hamilton. The parking entrance is off of Locke Street, and there is free street parking too.  It has easy access to the 403, being just minutes away.

The building is shared with De La Sol Yoga Studio, Studio Zee Pilates, and so much more. My entrance is located on the York Blvd side. Just go up the one set of stairs and I’m there. If you need wheelchair accessibility, please let me know and I will share the details.

I will continue to be available Mondays and Wednesdays. See the link for hours and details.

Hamilton Centre for Personal Development Open House

If you want to see the new space or anything else that is offered in the building, there will be an open house on June 14 from 6-9pm called the Night of Light.

How Valuing Both Femininity & Masculinity Can Heal Ourselves And The World

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In the May 2019 issue of the National Geographic magazine, there is an inspiring article, “A New Day in Mozambique”, about the turn-around of the wildlife and jungle in Gorgongosa National Park in the country of Mozambique. Once devastated due to civil war, the animal population and environment have been supported and nourished and they are now thriving once again.

One of the leads on the project, Gregory Carr regards the success of this project as directly correlated to the attention to projects that promote the health and well-being of girls and women. Girls are educated and supported by “godmothers” – women who help protect them from forced marriages, frequent pregenancies, poor health, and encourage educational opportunities. As the women begin to thrive in their environment, the men thrive too. If women & men thrive, then the environment and wildlife can thrive too. They are all connected.

“Rights for women and children, poverty alleviation – is what Africa needs to save its national parks” Gregory C. Carr (p.112)

I’ve been reading a lot lately about the balancing of the masculine and feminine in our world and this article provided some physical evidence of what happens when both the masculine and feminine are valued in our world. Both the feminine and masculine aspects of our world need to be valued in order for our world to heal and thrive. When one is valued more than the other, imbalance happens and this impacts the health of everyone.

Masculine Aspects

Everyone has masculine and feminine traits in themselves of varying degrees. Men as a whole have more masculine traits, which is why they are labeled as masculine aspects, BUT this is not a rule for all men. Many men will have more feminine than masculine traits too. Women as a whole have more feminine traits, which is why they are labeled as feminine aspects, BUT AGAIN, this is not a rule for all women. Many women will have more masculine than feminine traits.

You will find that there are different interpretations about what is encompassed in masculine and feminine traits. The masculine traits fall under a very grounded and centred lens with a focus on reason and will. Intelligence, courage, strength, leadership, and assertiveness are a few traits that fall under this lens.

Feminine Aspects

The feminine aspects are more centred in flow and in the realms of the heart. Some qualities include emotional intelligence, compassion, empathy, passion, and creativity.

The Current Imbalance In Our World

We live in a world that has highly prized the masculine traits. The largest religions in our world value the masculine more than the feminine. Civil rights have favoured the masculine until the last century when women were given the right to vote. Capitalism often favors the masculine in valuing money over the health of people and the earth. School systems often prize the mind over creativity and emotional well-being. The toxic masculine conquers, rapes, and pillages and ultimately destroys itself.

Masculine qualities are needed in our world, however when they are not used in balance with the feminine qualities, they become distorted and sometimes toxic.

The Distorted Masculine

The distorted masculine shows itself when reason and will are used without connection to the heart and emotion. The phrase “It’s just business, it’s not personal” is an example of the distorted masculine.

Sharon Blackie writes in her book If Women Rose Rooted, “The masculine striving towards achievement, production and domination takes hold and spirals out of control, while the feminine qualities of relatedness are suppressed: relatedness to other humans, to the non-humans who share the planet with us, to nature and the rhythms of nature, as well as to the rhythms of the physical body and the stages and passages of our lives”(p.237).

The Distorted Feminine

The distorted feminine is the opposite of the distorted masculine. When decisions are made in a highly emotional way without connection to reason or groundedness, or if we spiral into over-identifying with being a victim and no other aspects of our personality, then we fall into the distorted feminine.

Sharon Blackie also writes, “The pathological or ‘monstrous’ feminine which is not balanced by the masculine principle can manifest itself in an excess of emotion and neediness, a tendency to manipulation, an over-focus on relationships, and a refusal to apply reason to a situation” (p.237, If Women Rose Rooted).

If you reflect on the healthy and distorted masculine and feminine qualities you may see that you have ventured into each category at some point during your day, month, year, or life. They again are not limited to gender.

Society’s Slow Shift To Value The Feminine

In North America, I have SLOWLY seen society start to shift in valuing the feminine, but there is fear in change. If you examine your country’s leaders, notice whether they exemplify more masculine or feminine traits and values. In Ontario, currently we are swooping into the distorted masculine once again with a focus on cutting out all things feminine – care for women, children, health, the earth and those most vulnerable have services being cut in dramatic fashion in the name of balancing budgets. Balancing budgets are important, but when the decisions are not made in a heart-centred way, this is an example of the distorted masculine.

Most leaders have their own distortions, indeed I don’t want to set a tone favouring conservatives or liberals or any other party. I would guess a book could be written analyzing past leaders and governments and their relationship to distorted masculine and feminine traits. In Ontario we often swoop from parties that are distorted in either femininity or masculinity to the distorted masculine and then back again. Often times there is a swing from,”We’re spending too much money on services and we don’t have the money” (distorted feminine – bleeding heart) to the opposite, “We’re going to cut all the programs related to supporting children, women, health, and the environment, and focus on the economy” (the distorted masculine – “it’s business, not personal”).

Shifting to a society where the feminine and masculine traits are balanced in leadership is new territory for most of us. What does that look like? How to balance budget needs and a heart-centred approach? Good question.

Dare To Lead

Brené Brown’s book Dare To Lead is a beautifully written book about how to integrate heart and courage. Brené works with many CEOs and many big organizations to help them combine both feminine and masculine traits. Balanced leadership is possible, but it is not as quick as disconnecting from hearts to make a decision. Balanced leadership involves courage and connection.


Brené shares a quote about vulnerability armour in this book (p. 78). She never directly talks about masculine & feminine, yet the process she shares she is exactly about balancing the masculine & feminine. Her message over and over again is that vulnerability and courage are the SAME thing.

She is also a strong advocate for setting boundaries. Becoming vulnerable doesn’t mean sharing everything with everyone. Vulnerability without boundaries is an example of the distorted feminine.

“As children we found ways to protect ourselves from vulnerability, from being hurt, diminished, and disappointed. We put on armor; we used our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors as weapons; and we learned how to make ourselves scarce, even to disappear. Now as adults we realize that to live with courage, purpose, and connection – to be the person who we long to be – we must again be vulnerable. We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up, and let ourselves be seen”

Brené Brown

Resources

I haven’t gone out and scoured the research and all the books for what books there are available on the topic of balancing the masculine and feminine. If you have any you’d recommend please share! Here are a few books to get you started.

  • Sharon Blackie‘s books “When Women Rose Rooted” and “The Enchanted Life” (mainly a focus on the feminine). Here is a link to a summary of how to balance the masculine & feminine.
  • Brené Brown‘s book “Dare To Lead is a beautifully written book about how to integrate heart and courage. Brené works with many CEOs and many big organizations to help them combine both feminine and masculine traits. Balanced leadership is possible, but it is not as quick as disconnecting from hearts to make a decision. Balanced leadership involves courage and connection.

    ” target=”_blank”>Dare to Lead“. She also has some excellent TED Talks and a Netflix special – Call to Courage. If you like audiobooks, friends have highly recommended any of Brené’s books on audio. She is an excellent speaker. (focus on balancing the masculine & feminine)
  • Becoming by Michelle Obama is an example of person who tries to balance both the masculine & feminine in her life. Vulnerability and courage galore. She shares many of her struggles and successes. (focus on balancing the masculine & feminine)
  • Crossing to Avalon: A woman’s midlife quest for the sacred feminine by Jean Shinoda Bolen, M.D. (a focus on the feminine)
  • One book that my husband enjoyed was Robert Moore & Douglas Gillette’s King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine. (a focus on the masculine)

Summary

My own personal journey has been one of re-learning to focus on how to balance the feminine and masculine in myself. I grew up learning to value my masculine traits over my feminine ones. My journey has been one to re-connect to my heart, body, and spirit.

In private practice, my approach is often to help people connect to their heart and inner wisdom after being saturated in a mind-loving world. Often times there is so much noise in our heads that we forget about our ability to connect to our hearts.

Energy healing often also focuses on balancing reason, will (both masculine traits) and emotions (feminine traits). Energy healing also helps with individuals who struggle getting out of their head and into their bodies. If you feel like you have “talked something to death” without changing much in your life, then energy healing can often help.

Mentors

Who do you know in your life who embodies the balancing of the masculine & feminine, courage & heart? If you can recommend any public figures, I’d love to hear your recommendations about who has been inspirational to you. Until next time…

References

  • Blackie, S. (2016). If Women Rose Rooted. Denmark, September Publishing.
  • Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead. New York, NY, Penguin Random House LLC.
  • Quammen, D. (2019, May). A New Day in Mozambique. National Geographic. pp. 94-119.