Juanita Lepage MSW, RSW, BHP

Counselling & Energy Healing (289) 812-8089 Hamilton, Ontario

Life Skills

A Call to Listen: Controversial Conversations With Family and Friends

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It’s that time again to re-post about this important topic as the heat rises in family and group dynamics about COVID and vaccines. I’ve had my own share of diversity in opinions in my own extended family and rifts have been created and some boundaries have ebbed and shifted.

First: What decision did you make about vaccines ( please don’t tell me, just answer this question to yourself)

Second: Are you the majority or minority in your family or community who made this decision?

If you’re in the majority in either of these groups, take some time to listen to the other side.  There are some families where most people chose to vaccinate and they ostracize the one who didn’t. There are other families who choose not to vaccinate and and they ostracize the one who did.  Then there are gradients of opinions within each side – with varying opinions about what are the best vaccines, vaccinating kids, mandatory vaccinating and on and on.

Civil Conversations

Sometimes it feels like the safest thing to do is to find that group of people who share our views and stay in the safety of that bubble.

We can choose to do that to some degree, but if you want to spend time with friends & family who might not see the world from your perspective, that can make it much more challenging.

Common Strategies

  • Avoid all conflictual topics

Try to pass family and friend events without touching on hot topics.  Sometimes this is the easiest and best option – no judgment! I probably use this one more often than I’d like to.

  • Avoid all friends and family that disagree with your viewpoint
  • Try to convince everyone of your viewpoint

Isn’t this the one you wish would work? I certainly do.  Often, we think that reason and logic are needed for persuasion.  Unfortunately, this is unlikely to work with hot topics.  Incredibly, research has shown that you can’t use reason alone with issues around morality (listen to the Jonathan Haidt podcast listed below to learn more). If you’re a family who loves a good argument or debate – carry on. But be curious if this is true for all parties involved and whether this debate brings you closer or further apart.

  • Discuss conflictual topics with those you love in a less argumentative way

This is by far the most challenging option, but if you want to do this, find some courage, and read on.

  1. Self-Reflection First

If you’ve read a few of my posts, you might see this as a theme.  Whenever conflict arises, this is where we go first.

What are your sensitive areas? Where do your emotions get heated up?  What are your assumptions and biases about the “other side?” What is something you don’t “get” about the other side?

Next – Why do you want to connect more with your family, friends, or others?  How do your personal values give you reason to connect with people who have different opinions?  Is it to have more peace in a relationship, community, country, or world? If you don’t want to connect with people who think differently, why don’t you?

Example

Here is an example of applying this to politics.

I found it incredibly helpful to listen to the interview, “The Psychology of Self-Righteousness” with Social Psychologist Jonathan Haidt and Krista Tippett.  Jonathan Haidt explores reasons to be compassionate and potentially even grateful for those liberal or conservative minded people in your family.

Jonathan identifies as a strong liberal/democrat and talks about his journey from hating republicans or those with a conservative viewpoint to understanding their views, having compassion for them, and using some conservative morals in his own life.  He is a social psychologist and talks about how his research influenced his journey. He also talks about how reason will not work in debating issues of morality.

Some highlights:

  • Liberal and Conservatives share two values Fairness and Compassion
  • Conservatives also have the values of Loyalty, Authority, and Sanctity
  • Liberals value diversity and variety more and Conservatives value structure and order more – both are important
  • A country with only Liberal or Conservative values will fail – both are needed

  1. Create a Safe Place to have The Conversation

No one likes to be ambushed.  Consider your environment. If you have a way to talk about the heated issue one-to-one, that is always best.  It is better to do it in a safe space where neither of you feel like you will be attacked, shamed or blamed.  Have one person who is pro-choice in a group of people who are pro-life? That’s not the place.  Have one person who voted from Trump in a group of people who voted for Biden?  Maybe somewhere different.

But what about family dinners?  What if you’re in public and the conversation just happens?

Safety also comes with your intention and words

  • Have you done your own self-reflection? Or do you have an agenda?
  • Do you really want to hear the other person’s point of view or not? Be Honest.

If we’ve done our own self-reflection this can help us ground and stay centred during those surprise conversations.

  1. Ask Curious Questions

Brené Brown’s book, Braving The Wilderness is great for digging deeper into how to have those potentially divisive conversations with family.  She explores how to have deeper connecting conversations with those we’re struggling to get along with.  She also talks about how to address it when a person is overtly racist, sexist etc.

Want a little bit more detail on what this could look like?  Read Brené Brown’s interview with Dr. Michelle Buck in the chapter four “People are Hard to Hate Close Up. Move In.”

Brené recommends trying these 3 steps:

a) Really listen to hear what the multiple layers of reasons are for this person’s point of view. Is it a moral or a value that is leading them to have an opinion so different than yours?

b) If you start to get into a conversation about the past (who said and did what), try to shift it to the present or look to what the person wants for the future. What do they envision your country looking like for future generations?

c) When you want to make a counter argument, see if you can say, “Tell me more” instead.

It will take some groundwork for you before you can have a conversation about a topic that is very important to you.

  • You can have these conversations with a wish to share your point of view, but you must be able to go into it without expecting that you will get to.
  • Jonathan Haidt talks about how it can be helpful to start a conversation by complimenting a few things that the other side has gotten right in the past.
  • Or if that’s too hard, with a few things that your side has gotten wrong historically.

The Art of Asking Meaningful Questions

I remember a few years ago being introduced to Krista Tippett on the Tim Ferriss podcast.  Her own podcasts are often about connecting people across lines.  In the podcast Calming Philosophies for Chaotic Times, she talks about deeper questions that help us connect with one another and be less separate.

  • “Answer this question through the story of your life” (apply to all heated topics e.g. choosing to vaccinate or not vaccinate)
  • Give your opinions through your experience, not just to give an opinion

If you want to hear more, you can start listening at 1:22:42 during the podcast.

  1. Set Boundaries Where Needed

Brené Brown also wrote the chapter about how to speak truth to bull-shit (BS).  She describes the nature of BS and how to approach to with others.  These tips are also good if you are the one being ambushed by others points of view.  Her main tips are:

  • Approach it with generosity, by not assuming that the person is being malicious or acting out of hate. If you’re ambushed, you can approach with generosity by being calm and curious. Why do they want your opinion to change?
  • Be civil by owning our “stuff” and having curious conversations. We can be civil while disagreeing or stating our boundaries.  Civil isn’t the same as “nice”.  Civil is firm and grounded.  Notice your body language – are you open or defensive?

Brené doesn’t encourage passivity when she speaks of being civil or being generous.  She talks of courage and disagreeing with grace.  I liked the quote she shared from Elie Wiesel, “We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim.  Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”

Speaking truth to bullshit is very difficult when emotions are high.  The chapter is well-worth a read as she goes into more detail about how to approach this with people in our lives.

NOTE IN BOLD: When it comes to the topic of vaccines, it never helps to start by speaking truth to bullshit!! Assume that the other side thinks that your opinion is bullshit.  Listening and curiosity as to their point of view within the context of their life is waaaay more important.  You may have to set boundaries afterwards about physically getting together, but can you imagine setting this boundary and also really understanding where the other person is coming from too? What would it be like to still be in relationship with this person even though you disagree?

The Cheat Sheet

  1. Self-reflection first
  2. Create a safe space to connect with a person
  3. Ask curious questions
  4. Set boundaries where needed

A Funny Story

I will share that after writing all of this, I shared it with my husband.  We then proceeded to have an argument about something extremely stupid (whether or not to buy a product or not) and not even in the realm of big issues.  Later, we couldn’t help but laugh at the irony. Those thoughts of, “If I can’t even have a civil conversation with something trivial, how can I do this with bigger issues!” can be blocks to trying it with bigger issues.  Upon reflection, we jumped to step 4 without doing steps 1-3. Give yourself permission to get it wrong and then try again. Take space and regroup if you try and realize you’re just not ready to hear the other side. Go back to #1.

The Gift of Wisdom and Kindness

It is a gift to be kind to others and also ourselves. Remember to be compassionate with yourself if you try and fail dramatically.  Be compassionate if you notice a time you could have tried to have a civil conversation and didn’t.  Find courage and then try it another time.

Emotions can get in the way of connecting in a difficult conversation.  Sometimes we can be ready to have a conversation and the other person is not.  Sometimes it’s the other way around. Start small by picking a topic that’s less heated and work your way to the more difficult topics. Finally, speak your opinions from your experiences:  “I experienced this in my life, which is why I made this choice”.

Good luck with all those get togethers!

This blog post was originally published on December 19, 2017. It has been updated with current content.

Practical Tips To Make Your New Years’ Resolutions A Success

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If you’re you the kind of person who likes to make resolutions for yourself and is determined that 2020 is your year for making those changes, then this post is for you. Today I’m going to share some of my successes and failures in changing habits and give you a few ideas to help make your resolutions a success.

Atomic Habits

It was very timely for me be the recipient on the local library waitlist for James Clear‘s New York Times Best-Seller Atomic Habits in mid-December. James Clear has made it his life mission to help companies and individuals change their habits. As an avid reader, I look at multiple books and when I find a good one, I like to share it with you. Easy to read, succinct, practical, evidence-based and information that we kind of know already is distilled clearly. Atomic Habits are about making tiny changes over time resulting in new habits.

1. Embody Your Goal

Most of the goals we create for ourselves are outcome-based: I want to lose weight, drink less alcohol, exercise more, change jobs etc. etc. So let’s pick one of those goals and figure out how to embody it. If we reverse-engineer these goals and connect them to the underlying identity we want to have for ourselves, we are much more likely to make a change.

Example Goal: Become More Proficient In French

One of my failed goals is always lurking the background – to become more proficient in French. When I lived in France for a year, I became better at understanding French, but I still struggled to speak it well. Part of me thought it might be nice to continue this learning, but it was never a priority and never happened.

James Clear writes that outcome-based goals are the least successful. We need to find out what it is about our identity that we want to change that is making us choose that goal. This is going to be different for everyone. Why do I want to become a better French speaker?

What I like about this exercise is that it helps me determine if I should even keep this on my resolution list, or just toss it and stop feeling bad about it if I never do it. If you’re struggling with the why in your goal or even choosing which resolution to make a priority, take a look at my earlier blog-post Overwhelmed? 3 Strategies to Filter Out the Noise.

My identity-based goal could be, “I want to be a person who can communicate well in another language, because I love visiting France and would like to be able to converse with ease with my French friends and French people in general”. For someone else, it could be, “I’m a person who likes to challenge myself and keep my mind sharp. I love learning languages so I want to learn French”.

If I want to be a person who wants to communicate well in another language, what choices will I make for myself to get there?

“The biggest barrier to positive change at any level – individual, team, society – is identity conflict. Good habits can make rational sense, but if they conflict with your identity you will fail to put them into action”. James Clear

2. It’s About Clarity, Not Lack of Motivation

I have always struggled with getting regular exercise unless it’s part of my daily routine. I used to have a job where I walked 30 minutes to work. Boom. 60 minutes of exercise a day without even thinking about it. Then I started my private practice and my built-in work-out plan was toast.

So did I stop exercising because I lack motivation? That’s what I’ve often thought, but I made a change last September and booked my exercise into my schedule and success! Apparently it was lack of clarity.

James Clear’s simple hack for creating clarity: “I will [BEHAVIOUR] at [TIME] in [LOCATION]. In retrospect, this is what I had done. If I want to apply this to my goal of learning French I need to do the same.

Example: I will [look up ways to find people to practice French] on [Wednesday January 15 from 1-2pm] [online].

3. Make It Easy – Environment Is Queen

Another factor that made my new work-out regime a success is that I do it in the same building I work. I have my gear in my office, and it’s very easy to go there even on days that I contemplate taking a nap instead. If my exercise class is 30 minutes away during rush hour, even if it’s in my schedule, I’m more likely to self-sabotage on days I feel resistance in going.

Not everyone has a gym or yoga studio in the place they work, but it’s more about connecting exercise to something you’re already doing. What’s on the way to your workplace or close to your home? How can you creatively add it to your life so that’s it’s just part of your schedule?

If I look at my goal for learning French, if the options I find are too expensive or inconvenient, I’m less likely to make it a priority. Maybe I need an online option if I can’t find something close to home or work location.

4. Changing Bad Habits

We all do things that aren’t always the best for our health. We do them because they serve an emotional need. I like sugar and find that a difficult habit to change. Eating a cookie feels like a reward to me and I relax as I eat it. Shaming ourselves or others will often backfire in changing bad habits. A person is smoking a cigarette because it gives them something emotionally – maybe peace, maybe reduction of anxiety, maybe connection to others. James Clear writes about how trying to shame people into eating healthier or stop smoking cigarettes (e.g. cigarette packets with horrible health warnings on them) actually increases our stress and then we’re more likely to continue a bad habit. Human beings are wilely like that.

For bad habits, also follow steps 1-3, but if it’s a habit that you’ve had for a long time, it might take a few extra tricks to help yourself out.

  • Reduce your exposure to the bad habit (e.g. don’t have too much sugar in your home, put your cigarettes in a locked box in the freezer, put your phone in a drawer or turn it off)
  • Reward yourself (track the money you didn’t spend on alcohol, pot, cigarettes and transfer that money daily or weekly into a separate account for yourself with a specific reward (getting a massage, vacation, an item that you’ve justified not buying because it’s too expensive). What I like about this option is that it doesn’t require you to quit something altogether, but that you can see a real result even reducing your consumption
  • (Unabashed Self-promo Alert) See a counsellor/psychotherapist to help you identify what emotional need your bad habit is giving you. Sometimes we have no idea and it’s exhausting to even think about. Sometimes when I try self-reflect on a bad habit, I will find that anything else is more important in that moment. Paying someone else to help you with changing habits can help you get clarity and take action. This also works for hiring coaches and personal trainers too.
  • Start with easier goals to reach your hard goal: e.g. if you want to eat less meat, create steps for yourself e.g. A. add 1 more vegetable to every meal B. Find and make 1 new vegetarian-based meal a week C. Increase that to 2 meals a week once I’ve found some recipes that I like etc.
  • Use a Habit Tracker App. My husband uses Loop Habit Tracker. Some people like Fit-bits. Both are great at giving you a visual of your progress over the days, months, and year.

“You can break a habit, but you’re unlikely to forget it…and that means that simply resisting temptation is an ineffective strategy…I have never seen someone consistently stick to positive habits in a negative environment”. James Clear

Summary

The book Atomic Habits goes in more depth about habit change, but consider this blog to be congruent with the tip “start with easier goals to reach your hard goal”. Start with these strategies and then get the book if this has whet your appetite for goal change.

  • Embody your goal,
  • It’s about Clarity, not Motivation,
  • Make it easy: Environment is Queen.

What are your goals for 2020?

How To Dance With Anger

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Anger. This emotion is so often disregarded. We disregard another person’s anger or we disregard our own anger. We can try to do anything to avoid another person’s anger or avoid our own anger. We can try to convince ourselves that the time we yelled or treated someone horribly, that we had good reason.

This article will give you one path to truly let go of your anger. I’ll be giving you 3 steps, and sorry, you can’t skip the first 2 and jump to number three, even though you might be tempted. Emotions need to be felt before they are met with reason. As someone once said,

“No one in the history of being told to calm down, has ever calmed down”.

The Pendulum of Anger

Anger can make us really uncomfortable. We are told, “Get over it”, “Let it go”, “What’s the point in being angry? It doesn’t change anything”.

OR

We can be told that our horrible actions were justified because another person “had it coming”.

What Do We Do With Anger?

The remedy to anger is to:

1) Acknowledge your anger

2) Feel your anger in a way that suits your personality, and

3) Reflect on what about the situation made you angry.

Step 1: Acknowledge Your Anger

This is the unfiltered part of what is making you angry, even if it’s “irrational”. “I hate the way that person looked at me.” “That person is being an asshole.” And all the softer or louder interpretations of those words.

The goal is not to say these words to person who triggered you. It’s to either say these words out loud (e.g. in the bathroom, while walking, or in your head, whichever approach suits the situation you’re in.

Step 2: Feel Your Anger In a Way that Suits Your Personality

Sometimes a loud person thinks they need to show their anger more quietly and a quiet person thinks they need to express their anger loudly. If you want to try either of those on, go ahead, but there is not one best way to express your anger.

That being said, it is always your responsibility not to take your anger out on another person.

So where can you express your anger in a respectful way?

There are an infinite number of ways to express anger, the adventure is finding out what is most suited to your personality. It can be saying it your head while you feel the anger. It can be going for a run and screaming in the forest. It can be shouting in your car with the music on. It can be daring to put it onto paper and ripping it up. It can be taking out the energy of that anger into a sport you play.

What feels right to you? Experiment with different options.

Step 3: Reflect on What About the Situation Made You Angry

We can’t move on until we have owned and felt our often long-repressed anger. We need to get curious about where our anger comes from. Are we projecting child-hood frustrations and problems onto the people around us? Are we minimizing our feelings because we’ve been taught that our feelings aren’t important?

Do you have the tendency to blame when you feel anger?

OR

Do you have the tendency to take responsibility for other people’s feelings, thoughts, and behaviours?

Both of these tendencies are LEARNED from somewhere. If we can realize the source of our reactions, this gives us insight when another similar situation occurs and the chance to respond differently. Maybe you’ve under-reacted to situations where you could have set boundaries. Maybe you’ve over-reacted to situations that were a little too close to home.

Compassion, Not Perfection

Anger is a misunderstood emotion in our society, so it can take time to change a habit that has often been engrained for years if not decades. So if you catch yourself in another situation and you respond the same you’ve always responded, pause and show yourself some compassion. “Of course I reacted that way, that’s really not too surprising because I’ve responded that way for decades! Next time I’ll try again”.

After giving yourself compassion, reflect on what you need to do.

Do you need to apologize if you have treated a person poorly? Notice if you want to blame your angry behaviour on someone else.

OR

Notice if you want to blame someone else’s angry behaviour on yourself. Do you need to make an intentional choice NOT to apologize? Consider ways to set a boundary with that person.

As always, when you stuck or overwhelmed by a situation or an emotion, it’s good to seek support from someone who is compassionate, honest, and encouraging.
What have you found to be the best way to help you with your anger?

Seagull expressing her emotions

Resources

  • If you want a few more curious questions to help you with Step #3 (What about the situation made me angry) OR you’re a parent and want to explore how to support your child’s anger, here’s a previous blog I wrote Anger What Is It Good For? A quick tip is to notice your tendency to problem-solve, and try validating. “I can guess why you would be angry about that” AND give them 3 reasons why you think they might be angry. The goal is not to be accurate or even agree with why they might be angry. The goal is to connect with that person and show them you care about them. Acknowledged anger diffuses it.
  • The book The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner is an excellent read for anyone exploring their own response to anger. It is written with the lens of supporting women, but it’s really a book for anyone.

Overwhelmed? 3 Strategies To Filter Out the Noise

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With summer coming to a close, the energy of fall will be upon us shortly. Fall is an excellent time to reflect on all the things we kept or added to our plate in 2019 and choose which items to keep, add, or let go.

One of the best books I’ve read in 2019 is Greg McKeown’s Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. It’s a business book and not a therapy book, but the tools for getting essential in business are the same anywhere else in your life. Today I’m going to share a few tools to help you determine how to filter out the excess in your life or counter any FOMO (fear of missing out) that you’re experiencing.

Using Our Values As Our Guides

Step # 1: Choosing Your Top 3 Priorities

When life gets overwhelming, it’s important to sit down and ask yourself, “What are my top 3 values in my life right now?” Even better if you can rate each item #1, #2, & #3. If you’re tempted to pick more, don’t! Then the exercise defeats the purpose.

Some Options: Family, Romantic Relationship, Work/Career, Health, Spirituality, Animals, Environment, School/Education, Philanthropy, Friends, Sports, Travel, Investing, Adventure, Having Fun, Self-Growth

There’s a million more you could you choose from, and each of the above items could be narrowed to be more specific – “My child who’s struggling in school, my dog, spending time with my 2 best friends, playing basketball, planning a trip to Greece, my mental health or my physical health, and so on.

After some reflection I chose #1 Family, #2 Work/Career, and #3 Health. I decided to have Family include my relationship with my kids and with my husband and then extended family. What did you choose?

Step #2: Using Your Top 3 Priorities To Shape Your Lens

Now create a list of things you’re wondering about whether to keep doing or to start doing and ask yourself, “Does this item fit into my top 3 Priorities?” If it doesn’t, cross if off of your list. If you don’t want to cross it off, take a moment to reflect if you need to choose a different top priority so that you can keep it, or whether there’s another reason you don’t want to let go of it.

Step #3: Experiment for 1 week

Each day notice when you have multiple choices at once and then pause. Choose the item that fits your top priority. I had a day where I was supposed to go out and see a group of women I enjoy spending time with, however one of my sons had a really rough day and needed some extra attention. In that moment I reflected on my priorities and decided that my son in that moment was my priority. This decision paid off as through spending time together we were able to connect, communicate and problem-solve.

At other times I may have chosen differently if my mental health tank was getting close to empty and nourishing my own mental health was more important. Then I may have chosen to see friends so that later I could come home and be a better mom after meeting my own needs. In that moment I may have moved health to #1 and family to #2.

Each day for one week spend time to reflect at the end of the day whether you spent your time during your day devoted to your top 3 values and times that you didn’t. Where you can make a change?

Tool #2: Simple Ways to Manage FOMO

This is a tool right from Greg McKeown’s book Essentialism (p. 111).

What is the Opportunity being offered you right now?

What are your 3 minimum criteria for this option to be considered?

What are your 3 extreme or ideal criteria for this option to be approved?

In order for you to say yes to this opportunity, it needs to meet all 3 of your minimum critieria and at least 2 of your extreme critiera. With this in mind, create your criteria.

Here is mine I created for Training opportunities related to my work. (Note: First I narrowed my focus on work by creating my top priority for my job as a therapist – Providing High-Quality Psychotherapy to my clients. I created other priorities too, but will keep them out for simplicity)

Minimum:

  1. Does it target one of my top 2 priorities for work?
  2. Does the leader of this training an expert in this field?
  3. Does the training incorporate engaging and interactive learning?

Maximum

  1. Is it within my budget?
  2. Do I have gut “yes!!” reaction to this opportunity
  3. Are there clear guidelines, expectations, and accountability built into this course?

I’m the kind of person who sometimes says yes to a course because it’s really cheap and has a small time commitment. Often this leaves me disappointed in the course because I didn’t do any further research. I’m also the kind of person who likes to go with my gut reaction to make decisions. This information is important, but it can’t be my only critieria because once I start the training I’m annoyed at myself if the training is boring or there’s no accountability built in or it’s uninspiring.

What are few opportunities that you’ve joined or considered getting involved in? This exercise can also be used for opportunities you’re wondering whether to stay involved with or keep in your life.

Tool # 3 For The People Pleaser – Setting Boundaries

When people make their problem our problem, we aren’t helping them; we’re enabling them (McKeown, 2014 p. 168).

I don’t know about you, but I’m definitely a people pleaser for some things in my life. Many of us learn this early in life and continue this pattern and later realize that boy, we’re awfully tired and don’t seem to have time for anything fun.

Boundaries are essential in helping us determine where to put our energy into our life. Do you ever get the feeling that someone, while innocently asking you a question, really hasn’t put any energy into their own research? Do you have that one parent who always asks you to watch their kids but never watches yours? Do you have that person who asks you to take the extra shift because you don’t have kids so you must have more time? Do have that friend or colleague who stops mid-conversation to answer a text?

Did any of your top values include you and your well-being? If they didn’t, get curious about this and consider adding something related to you. If you always value others before yourself, then this a recipe for burnout.

Notice in your personal or work life where your boundaries are being crossed. Then ask yourself – is the request that person is making fit one of your top 3 priorities?

Self-reflection: What are my boundaries in my work relationships, romantic relationships, with family or friends? In what situations do I always put others first? Psychotherapy can help if you get stuck with this question.

If you can’t articulate {your boundaries} to yourself and others, it may be unrealistic to expect other people to respect them or even figure them out (McKeown, 2014, p. 169-170).

Conclusion

Connecting with our values, knowing our minimum & maximum critieria to say yes to opportunities and knowing and setting our boundaries are 3 ways that can offer clarity and help the overwhelm diminish in our lives. I noticed the anxiety I sometimes feel when I look at a busy week, start to disappear when I take time to shape my week in a way that fits my values and respects my boundaries.

If you’re interested in learning more, Greg McKeown has many more strategies in his book Essentialism. Good luck!

References

McKeown, G. (2014). Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. New York: Penguin Random House LLC.

To Meditate Or Not To Meditate: Easy Ways To Get Started Or Restarted

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I have been an on again-off again meditator for years.  I have always envied those individuals that have made meditation a regular habit in their lives.  When I met my husband, he would meditate daily for 30-minutes to an hour every morning and evening. He would invite me to join him, but at the time I thought it looked pretty boring to sit silently for that long. He too goes through periods of meditating and not meditating.

Over the years I would read about people such as Ram Dass, Yogananda, or Michael Singer who had mystical and transformative experiences meditating, and I thought, “Well of course if you’re having that type of “wow/life-changing” experience, you would continue to meditate”. Or I would think, “Of course if you’ve chosen the spiritual vocation as your life path, these transformative experiences would happen”. And then at the same time I would read about stories of people who meditated for years and never had that “wow” experience while meditating.

So, if I can’t get a Guarantee of that “Wow Factor”, Why Meditate?

So, without having the “wow” factor goal in mind, I wondered why meditation would be so highly recommended for individuals.

  1. Physical, mental, and emotional benefits

Calmness, focus, centeredness, happiness, better health, and self-love are all benefits of meditation.  It seems that as each year goes by, more and more research demonstrates the healing benefits of mindfulness[1]  or meditation for more and more things. Pain, mental illness, stress, and burnout is just a few of the things it can help with.  Just google “research meditation” or “research mindfulness” and you’ll notice a plethora of information at your fingertips.

When I taught Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to teens and adults, mindfulness was a key component to this therapy. The main benefit of mindfulness in DBT is to help a person pause and connect with their thoughts & emotions and how they are using this information to interact with the world. Many other types of psychotherapy involving mindfulness have been created too, with the most famous probably being Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) created by Jon-Kabat Zinn. In other psychotherapies, the word mindfulness is never mentioned, but it is used in practice to help a person connect to their emotions and bring awareness to thoughts.

  1. Spiritual benefits

If you’re on a spiritual path, meditation seems a key part in going deeper into one’s spiritual journey whether it be with a religion or a more general spiritual path.  Meditation allows a person to connect beyond themselves to something on a much grander scale – God, the universe, specific religious individuals such as Jesus or Buddha, and more.

Where Do I Start (or restart)?

 

Books

  1. Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book Wherever You Go, There You Are, was one of the books that inspired me to start meditation. It’s an easy read with short chapters. This book is especially helpful if you’re interested in the Physical, Mental, & Emotional benefits. If you’re a person who is interested in being mindful but doesn’t want to sit quietly in meditation, this book provides many other options.  You can do anything mindfully. Really.
  2. Want a book that also captures the spiritual benefits? Michael A. Singer’s The Untethered Soul  is succinct and you can tell from the depth and simplicity of this book that he is a seasoned meditator.

YouTube Meditations

There are a lot of guided meditations available on YouTube, it can be a matter of trying a few to find your favourites.

  1. Tara Brach is my favourite person to listen to for a guided meditation. I love her voice and her variety of meditations. You can find many selections on her website or on YouTube.

Apps

There are many apps related to mindfulness and meditation. After not meditating for many months, I tried the 14-day trial with Headspace.  This was a great way to hear if I liked the person’s voice for guided meditation and try out some of their meditations.  When flying on Air Canada earlier this year I found some of their meditations available on the online entertainment system.

After the 14-day trial I decided to buy a subscription for a year (They offer a great discount after you’ve completed the trial).  I really appreciate the options to have a 1 minute or a 30-minute meditation.  Also my screen can be dark and it can keep playing (unlike YouTube). Some days I’m happy if I meditated for 1 minute. Other days I want to meditate for a longer time.  They also have great packages for different topics such as sleep, restlessness, worry and more.

Summary

If you notice in your life that it feels busy, even a few minutes of meditation a day can provide benefits of restoration and calm.  Often between sessions with clients a take a few minutes to connect to myself and shift my energy from the past client to the next one.

I don’t use the word mindfulness in most of my sessions, but often I’m helping clients to connect with themselves in a deeper way to find the solutions that they seek. Many of us like to spend time in our minds, and while we would benefit from connecting with our bodies or our emotions, we are often not practiced at doing so. We are often on the move.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you found something to inspire you to start or restart your journey with meditation!

 

[1] Meditation is a form of mindfulness. There are many ways to be mindful without meditating, but meditation is a popular method of mindfulness.

Polyamory Explored In 3 Books And 2 TV Shows

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I remember years ago my husband told me about a well-known author who had come out as polyamorous.  If you’re new to the term polyamory, one definition from trusty Google is: the philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time.  This is a broad definition and can encompass many variations of relationships.

The author was married at the time, but wanted to open up his marriage because “he had so much love to give”.  I remember rolling my eyes and saying that he just wanted to have sex with someone outside his marriage. Indeed months later their marriage did dissolve.

That being said, the dissolution of a marriage is not the same result for every monogamous couple that ventures into polyamory.  Over my career as a therapist i’ve seen people in a variety of styles of marriage and relationships. Like a monogamous marriage, sometimes polyamory works for a couple and sometimes it doesn’t work for them in the long run.

If you talk to any psychotherapist, you’re likely to hear that conversations about polyamory are on the rise with their clients.  Indeed, well-known author and couples therapist Esther Perel documents this change in her experience over the past 20 years in her book State of Affairs.  I’d guess that you’re more likely to come across the term polyamory in television and books than you would 10 years ago, even if you’re not seeking it out.

Many couples know that they are not interested in polyamory or open marriages.  Some individuals know early in their lives that polyamory is the only route for them and marriage may or may not be something they’re seeking.  Then there are monogamous couples who decide to explore new territory for a variety of reasons.

If you’re an avid reader or watch Netflix, you’ve likely come across this topic in one form or another without looking too hard. Here are 3 books and 2 TV shows that i’ve come across and enjoyed.

Television

You, Me, Her (2016)

A polyamorous comedy that is available on Netflix in some countries.  This series explores the life of a suburban married couple who contemplate (inadvertently) adding a third to their relationship and the reactions of those around them.  I enjoyed the first season the most.

She’s Gotta Have It (2017)

Part comedy, part drama, this series by Spike Lee explores the life or Nola Darling in her twenties.  She identifies as a polyamorous pansexual, and this series follows her as she has consciously chooses to go after what she wants in her life with all sorts of learnings and complications.  Nola is bold, daring, and willing to live her life authentically no matter how much drama surfaces because of it.

Books:

Non-fiction:  The State of Affairs – Rethinking Infidelity (2017)

Esther Perel is big deal in the therapy world and she’s written a number of best-sellers.  There is a chapter near the end of this book that explores polyamory in depth.  She explores the rise of polyamory, corrects the misconception that open marriages mitigate affairs, and gives considerations for any couple considering polyamory.

A Memoir: The Art of Vanishing – A Memoir of Wanderlust (2018)

This memoir follows the journey of Laura Smith as she explores the notion of marriage and freedom. She writes candidly about her experience of opening up her marriage and the positive and negative ramifications with her husband, her peer group, and her relationship with herself.

Novel: All Inclusive (2015)

Farzana Doctor’s novel stars Ameera, a woman in her twenties who works at an all-inclusive.  Ameera is interested in sleeping with couples and someone has been spreading rumours about her behavior at the resort.  This is the lightest book of the group.  This book never uses the term polyamory, but explores one potential lived definition of it.

I’ll leave you with two quotes from Esther Perel’s book, The State of Affairs

“It does not follow that consensual nonmonagamy is a safeguard against betrayal, jealousy or heartbreak.  You may think affairs don’t happen in open relationships, but they do” pg. 257 

“Inequality, gender, power, & a solid foundation are all considerations that need to be addressed before branching how to open a relationship” p. 274