Juanita Lepage MSW, RSW, BHP

Counselling & Energy Healing

Parenting Articles

The Epidemic Of Parent Shaming

by Leave a Comment

I’ll admit, when the latest parent shaming article came out, I clicked on it and read it. Have you heard about lawnmower parents who “mow” all the obstacles away for their children?

After reading it part of me basked in the pleasure of, “I wouldn’t drive a water bottle to school for my teen” and part of me judged myself where I may have indulged my children, when I “should” have let my kids figure out their own problems. Later I judged myself for judging that mom who brought the water bottle for her teen.  I thought, “I don’t know the story behind this.  I’m sure that lots of kids who grew up with the opposite of lawnmower parents wish they had a lawnmower mom or dad.”

Do you see what’s happening here?

The good ol’ parent shame factory is in full-tilt with September coming in strong.

I could continue this article by shaming all the people who re-posted the lawnmower parenting article. But I might as well point the finger at myself. It can feel really good when you find a post about some aspect of parenting that preaches what you’re already doing as a parent.  That negative pleasure about feeling smug about one of my parenting choices can feeling really good.

So, I thought it was a good time to re-post my article The Myth of Perfect Parenting. That’s right – the idea that there is a best parenting style is a myth. This truth is ridiculously easy to forget.

From Judgment to Empathy

Unless we see a parent physically or emotionally abusing their child or neglecting them to the point of it being unsafe, I wonder what it would be like to shift to compassionate curiousity when some one’s parenting style hits a nerve inside of us.  Often we are triggered by a parent who is “too soft” or “too strict” or “too wishy-washy”.  What parenting style triggers you?

Judging other Parents is also Judging ourselves

When we judge other parents, we are in a weird way actually judging our own insecurities about parenting.  When we judge other parents, we are inviting an opportunity to judge ourselves when we don’t meet our own standards of parenting.  We can make it harder to forgive ourselves when we don’t “practice what we preach”. Moms are particularly hard on themselves and each other. As parents, we can benefit from giving ourselves an empathic voice when our judging voice kicks in to keep us down.

The Unsaid Pressure placed on our Children

We place a lot of pressure on our kids to “turn out fine” because we did our best at parenting and  having been given so many privileges and opportunities compared to another kid.  As a psychotherapist mother who works with parents I can feel that self-induced pressure on myself and my children.  If we take that pressure off of our children, we may find a way to be more compassionate about our own parenting styles and just be ourselves.

Our parenting style impacts our children and at the same-time, it does not guarantee our children a problem-free future.

If our kids are struggling, then it’s a good time to reflect on whether a change in our parenting style may help them, and at the same time, our kids problems may not be related to our parenting choices.

Humour & Healing

To add a little light & lightness to this topic, here’s a couple of videos to all the lawnmower, helicopter, free-range, zen, competitive, and every other type of parent category out there. Yes, the videos are all women.  If you have a great one about types of fathers, please share!

The first is created by women who clearly aren’t parents.  It can be humbling to have an outside lens.

Cat and Nat, some hilarious moms talking about mom-shaming.

Brené Brown digs deep in this heart-felt Ted Talk about Shame.

The last five minutes she delves into the realities of shame for men and women.

I’ll leave you with Brené Brown’s words, “Empathy is the antidote to shame”.

The Art of Slowing Down

by Leave a Comment

I started writing this post about the art of slowing down about 3 weeks ago.  From one perspective you could say that I’ve mastered this skill, because it took me 3 weeks to write this post haha!  From another perspective you could say I failed, because I was busy in other areas of my life.  Success, failure?  Let’s call it a bit of both.

Here in southern Ontario spring has finally arrived.  The energy of spring is movement.  We get outside, get our yards or patios ready, buy some flowers and start moving after months of mainly being indoors.  Part of me wondered if it made more sense to write about slowing down in late fall or winter, but I’m curious, can I continue to find slow moments in the midst of the frenzy?

Slowing Down While Speeding Up

My family and I had the pleasure of living in the south of France for 2017.  Provence is an area that is all about the art of slowing down and enjoying the pleasures of life.  After living in the south of France for a year and then moving back to Ontario, many people have asked if we were able to bring parts of this experience of slowing down into our lives here.  Here are a few things we’ve done:

  • Giving ourselves lots of time in the morning before we start our day

Realistically we need 30 minutes to get ready in the morning, but we give ourselves 60 minutes instead.  I like to sit with my youngest son while I drink coffee.  My youngest likes to cuddle before he starts his day.  My oldest likes to get everything done in the first 10 minutes and then either read or play math games on his iPad for the rest of the time.  Being less rushed also helps us have the capacity to be nicer to each other and start the day with calm.

  • Taking 20-30 minutes at the end of the day to sit down before we start dinner

When the kids get home on the days they have after-school care they need some downtime before dinner.  Sometimes they read for awhile and sometimes they go and play with some kids in the neighbourhood.  My husband and I sit and chat and sometimes have a glass of wine.  We notice that when we skip this time, that everyone is grumpier and has less patience.

  • Being late sometimes

I have been known to be a little smug about being on time.  Now I find it’s easier to be late on occasion. Certainly, in my work world I will be on time, but when it comes to social events I won’t stress as much if we’re late.

In general, our family is trying to make a point to have days without plans or to have plans that have space in them, so it doesn’t feel like we’re on tight timelines.  Sometimes homework doesn’t get done.  Sometimes the house gets messier than I’d like it to be.  Sometimes I call procrastinating slowing down, when really, it’s just procrastinating.  But the idea behind it all is to find ways to enjoy life more on a daily basis even when the pulse of life is fast.

Depending on your family and your needs you may need less or more time to slow down. Use some of your creativity to find ways to slow down or even plan it in your schedule.   Have you mastered the art of slowing down in a fast-paced world?

 

Consciously Parenting A Child With Anxiety: Part 1

by Leave a Comment

Consciously parenting a child with anxiety is both rewarding and tough.  Our first reaction may be to get someone else to “fix” our child’s problem.  This has been the first step in supporting children for a long time in the therapy world.  As a parent it can feel overwhelming and intimidating to put the lens on ourselves instead of our children.  More research is showing that if parents makes shifts in their lives and also learn different ways to support their child that the outcomes are better for your child.  Read anything by the physician and author Gabor Maté and this will become clear.  I will explore this more in Part 2.

That being said, there are still some basics in supporting a child with anxiety and it’s helpful for parents to understand the framework.

Today will focus on the moment you wonder if your child has an anxiety disorder and how to support them.  Here is a breakdown of future posts.

Part 1: I have a child with anxiety and don’t know what to do

Part 2: I have a child with anxiety and they’ve been in therapy, but I need help supporting them

Part 3: I have tried the regular approach to supporting my child with anxiety but I’m searching for alternative methods to help them

Part 4: I want to understand what is going on in my family from a spiritual lens

Part 1: I have a child with anxiety and don’t know what to do

Supporting an anxious child can be tough.  Maybe you have a child that acts out or maybe you have a child that has stomachaches, headaches or panic.  Anxiety manifests in different ways.

Today I’m going to give you a brief break-down of conventional ways to support an anxious child.  I won’t lie, there are TONS of resources online to learn about anxiety and how to support your child. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) is the GO-TO starting point for supporting a child with anxiety.  It provides a framework for understanding anxiety and practical approaches to helping your child.

In summary, CBT helps you connect your emotions, behaviors, & thoughts.  It will give you tools to help you shift your thoughts or your behaviors so that your emotions can shift too.

The following is a combination of things I have used with my clients and recommendations from experts. Let’s start with the cheat-sheet to give you an overview of supporting your child.

Cheat-Sheet:

  1. Identifying if your Child has an Anxiety Disorder
  2. Understanding Anxious Thoughts
  3. Connecting with Your Child (aka validation)
  4. Shifting
  5. Encourage Connection to The Wise Brain
  6. Action: Taking Steps to Overcome Fears

Step 1: Identifying if your child has an anxiety disorder

Worry & anxiety is normal.  It’s when it starts interfering with life that a person can be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. It could be an intense fear about something specific (e.g. dogs), it could be extensive worries about everything, it could be acting out behaviors that look like anger and tantrums when going to school, or it could show itself with physical symptoms like headaches, stomachaches, nausea, or panic.  The main clue is that something is interfering with day-to-day life.

Example:

If you have a child who’s afraid of snakes and you live in Ontario – that fear is unlikely going to be a problem because snakes are fairly easy to avoid. However, if the intensity of that fear stops a person from doing things they enjoy such as camping, going outside, or on playdates – then it has become problematic.

  • When in doubt go to your doctor and they can help you determine if it’s diagnosable.
  • If you first want to research it yourself, the book– Freeing Your Child From Anxiety by Tamar E. Chansky is an excellent resource for summarizing each type of anxiety disorder and helping you assess if your child fits into one of them.

Step 2: Understanding Anxious Thoughts Yourself

Before supporting your child, it’s important to have some understanding – especially if your child’s anxiety seems ridiculous and frustrating.  If you want the anatomical understanding about anxiety and the brain, google it.  There’s a lot out there.  Today, I’m going to put it into kid language.

The brain has different parts and one of them is the worry part of the brain. We all have a worry part in our brain, and the worry brain is an important part.  Imagine you were in the jungle and you heard the grass start to rustle.  It could be something small or it could be a lion.  The worry brain will tell you to find a safe spot.  Without the worry brain you might get eaten by a lion.

Sometimes the worry brain starts over-acting.  You have other parts of your brain, but the worry brain is the loudest.  If a person is afraid of dogs, then with every dog or even pictures of dogs, the worry brain tells you that it’s dangerous and you need to get away.  The other part of your brain – the wise brain helps you pause and listen to all parts before deciding about whether a dog is dangerous or not.

As a parent you can name the parts of the brain whatever you want – the important part is using kid language.  I don’t know about you, but even as an adult – as soon as people start describing structural parts of the brain and their function, I start falling asleep.

Prefer a video explanation?  Here is simple explanation of what the world can be like for a person with anxiety.

Step 3: Connection to your child (aka Validation)

Any parent of an anxious child has said things that are unhelpful – how could you not?  You have a million things going on in your life and now your child is needing more attention and interfering with your routine.   Don’t be hard on yourself.  Take a deep breath and try again.  Connection with your child is the MOST helpful thing for your child.  They need to know that you’ve got their back no matter what happens in their life.  As much as you want to rush them out the door and drop them off at school, (or keep them at home and never let them face their anxieties), connection is key. 

Think of 3 reasons why your child might be scared/worried/anxious and then fill in the blanks.

“I can understand why you would be worried about ________  because ________  because _______ and because __________.  This is from Emotion Focused Family Therapy.  With each because you use, the nervous system relaxes more.  See how many reasons you can come up with.

Example:

“I can understand why you would be scared to go to school when your worry brain is pointing out all the things that could go wrong BECAUSE Your worry brain is saying, “it’s not safe to go to school”, BECAUSE your worry brain is pointing all the things that could go wrong, BECAUSE your worry brain is thinking about all the bad things that might happen.”

Remember: You CAN’T reason with emotions.  You need to connect with the person first. See my blog post: How to support your children and spouse when you really don’t want to

Step 4: Shift

Your child is stuck in their head and in their thoughts, and their body is quite likely to be tense.  When we are tense it’s hard to make a shift in thoughts.  Here are 2 ways to help your child shift – there are many ways – you can be creative.

Activity One

Clench your fists really tight, then let go. Now let’s take 3 deep breaths (in through the nose and out through the mouth), lift our hands up to the sky and then to the ground, rub your hands together while counting to 3, rub your thighs while counting to 3 and then think about a couple of things that make you happy – petting the cat, playing Minecraft, sitting with mom.

This shift is taken from the book When My Worries Get Too Big! A relaxation Book for Children Who Live With Anxiety by Kari Dunn Buron.

Activity Two

3 things – Say aloud 3 things you see, 3 things you hear and 3 things you feel (by touching), then you reduce that to 2 things you see, hear, & feel.  Then 1 things.  You can make this activity 5 things or 7 things – it’s whatever works.

Step 5: Encourage Connection to the Wise Brain

Once emotions have settled, then you can engage the part of brain that looks at reason.  Emotion does not care about reason.  If you’re having a tough day, and I try to use reason and tell you to relax and that your problems are no big deal, i’m doubtful that you will relax.

  1. Explain to your child about different parts of the brain that you learned about in step 2. You can give the names worry brain and wise brain if you want, or your child can give them a name (e.g. scaredy squirrel brain and batman brain).

If you want, you can use a book to guide you both.

  • When My Worries Get Too Big! A Relaxation Book for Children Who Live With Anxiety by Kari Dunn Buron
  1. Now let’s say your child is fearful about school. Ask your child, ‘your “worry brain” has a lot to say today, and what does the “wise brain” have to say about going to school?’  Perhaps wise brain will tell your child that school is safe, my teacher is nice, I like my friend Haley, it’s hard for the first little while at school but then it gets better, today I have gym – I like gym.

(NOTE: If there’s bullying involved you’ve entered a different territory – then we need to listen to the worry mind and do some problem-solving with teachers and coach our children for those situations.)

  1. What thoughts make you feel better? The worry thoughts or the wise thoughts? Remember that worry is a choice – imagine that worry is in one hand and wise/calm thoughts are in the other. Remember we need to bring BOTH into each situation, not just the worry thoughts.

There are numerous creative strategies to engage the wise brain.  If you like lots of examples, get the book:

  • Freeing Your Child From Anxiety

Step 6: Action – Taking Steps to Overcome Fears

If your child sees a therapist, they will help you create a ladder or scale of steps for your child to overcome their fears.  If I’m afraid of dogs, the worst thing you can do is bring a dog and put it next to me.  That is traumatizing and overwhelming.

Start small – you might find that the first step is reading a positive story about dogs or looking at a video of a dog doing adorable things.  Your child will guide you.  This is what a therapist will call Exposure.  You need to stay on each step of the ladder long enough for anxiety to both rise and calm.

What About Medication?

Sometimes medication is necessary to help a child.  A lot of research has shown the benefits of medication and therapy used together.  Not everyone agrees with medication and not everyone benefits from medication, but many people do.  You don’t need to start with medication, but it’s important to consider it if therapy isn’t working on its own.

These steps may look like they will take a long time.  Like trying any new things, it will take longer at the beginning, but after some practice it can be done in a few minutes.

Resource List:

  • Scaredy Squirrel by Melanie Watt (great for kids who are scared to go places)
  • When My Worries Get Too Big! A Relaxation Book for Children Who Live With Anxiety by Kari Dunn Buron
  • Freeing Your Child from Anxiety by Tamar E. Chansky

Child & Youth Mental Health Resources in Hamilton and Burlington Areas

by Leave a Comment

I recently attended a free workshop about depression & spirituality run by the LOST Organization in Hamilton – an inspiring new(ish) Non-Profit in Hamilton.  LOST stands for Living Outside of Suffering and Trauma.

They offer yoga, peer-group support, and creative time for people of any age, either with mental health issues or those supporting others with mental health issues. This place could be great for teens or adults.

The organization was created by a woman, Rebecca, who has depression and was tired of waiting for publicly-funded supports to become available to her.

The workshop I attended was packed and it was easy to see why. Events and support are either free or at a low cost.  Go check them out.  It’s not restricted by geographic area.

Here’s a quick list of other publicly-funded child and youth mental health supports in Hamilton & Burlington.

Child & Youth Mental Health Supports

Emergencies

For emergencies go to your local emergency department or call 911.

Crisis-Services

  • Adults

If you’re 16 or older contact the 24-hour services COAST Hamilton Crisis Line at 905-972-8338 or call the COAST Halton Crisis Line at 877-825-9011.

  • Children or Youth

If you’re a child or teenager, you can chat on-line at Kids Help Phone Line or call them at 1-800-668-6868. It is a 24-hour service.

Counselling & Psychotherapy

Contact Hamilton is the starting place for any publicly-funded programs related to child and youth mental health in the Hamilton region.  They have the most current list of services and will help you find the best fit.  Call 905-570-8888.

The Rock is great place to start in the Burlington area.  They offer some walk-in sessions.

Free Local Groups

Visit Growing Together for the most current list of workshops, groups and resources available free of charge to families living in the Hamilton area.

Interesting in learning how to advocate for your child?  Or do you want to connect with other parents going through similar issues as you are? Visit Parents for Children’s Mental Health.

LOST organization – If you’re a parent or teen/adult with your own mental health issues and want some FREE peer support, consider visiting this non-profit organization located in Hamiltong.

Tools to Use at Home

If you’re a parent on a waitlist or wanting tools to try now at home, go to Mental Health Foundations.  If you’re looking for local support using these tools, you can Contact Me.

If you have a burning question about mental health, a question that no one seems to be able to answer, or if you find google isn’t giving you what you want, check out Quora.  You’ll find questions and answers about all kinds of mental health concerns and very well written answers either by professionals in the field of child and youth mental health or from people who have anxiety, depression, bipolar, ADHD, and so much more. Please note that the answers provided on Quora are not reviewed for accuracy, but that that the content is a much better quality than other forums I’ve reviewed. Please use your best judgment.

 

Me? Angry? 10 Songs For Your Angry Moments

by Leave a Comment

This past weekend I went to the Phoenix in Toronto to see two cover bands play: the U2 cover band Elevation, and the Oasis cover band Supersonic.  The crowd was singing their heart out to the Oasis song – Don’t look back in Anger.  I think this is a funny song to be sung by Oasis, a band that has been notoriously angry.  My husband had seen them in concert when he was in university, and the lead singer, Liam Gallagher, walked off the stage after getting angry at the crowd.  I’m doubtful that he was singing this song at the time.

Listening to angry music or music about anger can be therapeutic for many people.  Parents struggling with what their teens listen to seems to be a right of passage in every generation.  I remember when I was a teenager, I was outside doing some work with one of my younger sisters (who is much cooler than I am).  She had chosen to listen to Rage against the Machine and I went along with it – it was actually pretty good, although perhaps angrier than the types of music I would have normally chosen.

Many parents have asked me about their teens listening to screamo music or other hate-filled music and its impact on their child. The main thing is to help your child notice if whether they feel better or angrier after listening to the piece of angry music.  If you’re feeling angrier, then consider a different choice. Or start with angry music and then shift to something that will help you feel better.

There are tons of angry songs out there, from passive-aggressive pop songs to rageful, expletive-filled screaming pieces.  People are so creative at expressing anger.

So, when Liam Gallagher walked off that stage – which one do you think he was most likely to be singing in his head?

(In order from “singing about anger nicely” to “ragefully singing a song”)

1. Justin Timberlake – Cry me a River

Oh Justin, your bitterness works so well in this song.  He never actually says he’s angry, but you can feel it simmering behind these words to Britney.

2. Kelly Clarkson – Since You’ve Been Gone

There are so many choices in the category of, “Look i’m hot, I’m doing really well without you, and you’re going to regret this”. I could’ve picked so many songs by Taylor Swift.

3. Carrie Underwood – Before He Cheats

This is “Look i’m hot, I’m doing really well without you, and you’re going to regret this”, but with revenge too.

4. Alanis Morrisette – You Oughta Know

If you grew up in the nineties, this was the epitomy of angst and bitterness.  I think I listened to Jagged Little Pill 100 times.

5. Pink – So What

Pink adds an extra edge to the pop songs about anger.  She makes fun of her anger and flows with it.

6. Cee Lo Green – F*ck You

It’s always amusing when you the radio version of the song is a sugar-coated version of the original message.  I guess depending on what mood you’re in you can choose the original or the revised version “Forget You”. Anger mixed with sugary-sweetness.  And he has kids singing it in this video! Controversy!

7. Smashing Pumpkins – Bullet with Butterfly Wings

I still have the album, Melancholy & The Infinite Sadness – this song probably captures my teen angst the most.

8. Twisted Sister – We’re Not Going to Take It

Eighties rockers sending a message about not taking it anymore – how much make-up and great hair will be involved?

9. Three Days Grace – I Hate Everything About You

Three Days Grace doesn’t mince words.

10. Rage Against the Machine – Killing in the Name Of

Ragefully singing an angry song. If someone is sure he’s angry, it’s this lead singer.  If only there was a mosh-pit available for anyone listening to this song.

I have no doubt that as you look at this list you can see HUGE gaps – where’s the rap, metal, or screamo music?  Don’t I have any choices past 2008?  There are a lot of angry songs. I was googling “angry rap songs” – and to be honest I didn’t want to listen to them all to choose a favourite.  So, if you see a song that is an obvious miss in this list – please post it in the comments.

When you’re angry, what piece of music speaks to you?

“Don’t hate us ‘cause we’re beautiful, because we don’t like you either! We are cheerleaders! We are cheerleaders” Kirsten Dunst and the cheerleaders from the movie Bring It On.

Validation: How To Support Your Children And Spouse When You Really Don’t Want To

by 3 Comments

Your child rolls his eyes at you.

Your partner complains about her work for the 400th time and doesn’t take any of your advice.

What is your feeling in each of these situations?  Anger, irritation, or annoyance is quite likely.

The First Reaction: Defensiveness

It can be easy to get defensive in these situations – you probably feel disrespected and angry that your child rolled his eyes when you asked him to set the table because you work so hard to provide for that child, you do so much work around the house, and your child doesn’t seem to appreciate your hard work.

You may feel a simmering rage that your partner isn’t taking any of your advice after talking about her frustrations over and over and over. You may want to shout, “Just make a decision!” Or “Stop Complaining!”

The Shift To Validation

Validation is about looking at these situations with a different lens.  The lens I’ve described so far is the one where we look at the situation personally and make it about ourselves.  “My child is disrespecting ME” or “My partner doesn’t value MY opinion”.

Validation is a choice to shift the lens from ourselves to the other person.  Acknowledge your reaction and then take a breath and ask yourself, “What is this person feeling underneath the eye roll or complaining?”

Your son could be feeling angry and annoyed to have to shift from doing something fun to something so incredibly boring such as setting the table. That’s normal behavior for a kid.  You are the adult and get to make many decisions for your children. They are the child and must do things you ask them to even if they don’t want to do it.  That can be annoying.

Your partner could be really frustrated with work and may just want someone to say, “That sounds really tough, I can imagine how frustrated you are that you are being asked to work more hours/being treated so poorly/working hard and getting zero credit/fill-in-the-blank”.

The goal of validation is to help a person deepen into their emotions about a situation and feel heard.  Once these things happen, there can be space for problem solving IF needed.

Believe me, I love to give advice to my family – I don’t want to see them in pain or struggling!  I can see possible solutions that maybe they can’t. Yet, if I stop and validate instead, I often don’t have to give any unwanted advice – they can see it for themselves.  We often think people are asking for advice, but really, they just want to be heard.

Often, we are uncomfortable with someone else’s emotions and attempt to change their emotion, so that we can feel better.

Connection

Validation is about connection with the heart instead of the mind. I see you. I hear you.  We slow down and be more present with that person instead of seeing that the act of dealing with their emotions is another “to do” on our never-ending list. If we stop and take 2 minutes to really be there it can make a world of difference.

When Do I Get To Give My Advice?

After the other person appears to deepen into their emotion or relaxes after feeling heard, then we can ask them if they want our advice or want help solving the problem.

With the child who rolls his eyes, there may be zero advice-giving – sometimes just acknowledging that it’s frustrating can be enough.  If there’s more going on in the situation (e.g. swearing at you every time you ask) you can set a boundary AFTER validating them. “You have the right to be annoyed for being asked to do something you don’t like, but it’s not okay to swear me at me”.

With the partner who’s complaining about work all the time, after validating the person you can ask if they want your advice.  If you’re too tired to hear about your partner’s work woes, try saying, “I really want to give you my full attention right now, but I just can’t because I’m so exhausted. I’m a crappy listener when I’m exhausted. Can you tell me more when the kids are watching tv after dinner?” And then remember to ask them about their day when the kids are watching tv.

Want to see it in action? 

Validation, Movie Style!

This is an enjoyable video to watch.  Even if you just watch the first 3 minutes of this video, you will get a feel for what validation can be. The actor TJ Thyne conveys deep connection as he validates others.  His words are not as deep (he doesn’t really know the people he’s validating), yet his connection is strong.  The rest of the video is more of a short story – interesting but more Hollywood than reality.  You don’t need to have this depth of connection to do validation, it’s more important to be authentically you in your connection with your child.

Advanced Skills in Validation

If you have a list in your head of situations or words that are challenging to validate, then consider watching the video by a fellow Social Worker, Natasha Files from Mental Health Foundations. She takes 90 minutes to break it down in the one of the best explanations I have seen.  She teaches viewers how to validate phrases like, ‘I’m fat”, or “I give up”, or “It’s too hard”.  If you feel stuck and confused about validating, this is a great investment of your time that will help you deepen your connection with family members and save hours of time in frustration with them.

Validation Cheat Sheet (adapted from Emotion-Focused Family Therapy)

  1. Take a breath, acknowledge & notice your urge to be defensive – now shift your lens to them instead of you
  2. Attend to the emotion – be present with the person and notice what could be going on
  3. Label the emotion the other person is feeling (take a guess! It’s okay to be wrong)
    • You’re mad at me or
    • You’re frustrated with everything going on at work
  4. Validate the emotion
    • I can understand why you would feel angry, because you’re being asked to do something you don’t want to do, and that it can be annoying that adults tell you what to do at home and at school all the time
    • I can see why you would be frustrated at work because you’re being undervalued, your boss keeps treating you with disrespect, and you’re giving your 100%.
  5. Meet the emotional need
    • Give your son space to feel what he needs to feel – let him be annoyed while he sets the table. You can tell him that he still needs to set table (if he isn’t doing it) and you could let him know that you appreciate the help
    • Let your spouse know that you’re there for them
  6. Fix/Problem-Solve – ask if they want help solving their problem

Like talking about issues of morality with others, emotions are very similar.  We cannot use reason to shift someone’s moral views just as we cannot use reason to shift someone’s emotions. (See my blog post Controversial Conversations With Family & Friends to learn more). Connection is the most powerful tool and validation is great way to connect.

Want to learn more about supporting a child or adult with anxiety?  Stay tuned for a post in February.