A quick quote from one the inspirational author of The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. More on The Artist’s Way coming soon…
Psychotherapy and Counselling Articles
Articles related to psychotherapy and counselling.
How To Dance With Anger
Anger. This emotion is so often disregarded. We disregard another person’s anger or we disregard our own anger. We can try to do anything to avoid another person’s anger or avoid our own anger. We can try to convince ourselves that the time we yelled or treated someone horribly, that we had good reason.
This article will give you one path to truly let go of your anger. I’ll be giving you 3 steps, and sorry, you can’t skip the first 2 and jump to number three, even though you might be tempted. Emotions need to be felt before they are met with reason. As someone once said,
“No one in the history of being told to calm down, has ever calmed down”.
The Pendulum of Anger
Anger can make us really uncomfortable. We are told, “Get over it”, “Let it go”, “What’s the point in being angry? It doesn’t change anything”.
OR
We can be told that our horrible actions were justified because another person “had it coming”.
What Do We Do With Anger?
The remedy to anger is to:
1) Acknowledge your anger
2) Feel your anger in a way that suits your personality, and
3) Reflect on what about the situation made you angry.
Step 1: Acknowledge Your Anger
This is the unfiltered part of what is making you angry, even if it’s “irrational”. “I hate the way that person looked at me.” “That person is being an asshole.” And all the softer or louder interpretations of those words.
The goal is not to say these words to person who triggered you. It’s to either say these words out loud (e.g. in the bathroom, while walking, or in your head, whichever approach suits the situation you’re in.
Step 2: Feel Your Anger In a Way that Suits Your Personality
Sometimes a loud person thinks they need to show their anger more quietly and a quiet person thinks they need to express their anger loudly. If you want to try either of those on, go ahead, but there is not one best way to express your anger.
That being said, it is always your responsibility not to take your anger out on another person.
So where can you express your anger in a respectful way?
There are an infinite number of ways to express anger, the adventure is finding out what is most suited to your personality. It can be saying it your head while you feel the anger. It can be going for a run and screaming in the forest. It can be shouting in your car with the music on. It can be daring to put it onto paper and ripping it up. It can be taking out the energy of that anger into a sport you play.
What feels right to you? Experiment with different options.
Step 3: Reflect on What About the Situation Made You Angry
We can’t move on until we have owned and felt our often long-repressed anger. We need to get curious about where our anger comes from. Are we projecting child-hood frustrations and problems onto the people around us? Are we minimizing our feelings because we’ve been taught that our feelings aren’t important?
Do you have the tendency to blame when you feel anger?
OR
Do you have the tendency to take responsibility for other people’s feelings, thoughts, and behaviours?
Both of these tendencies are LEARNED from somewhere. If we can realize the source of our reactions, this gives us insight when another similar situation occurs and the chance to respond differently. Maybe you’ve under-reacted to situations where you could have set boundaries. Maybe you’ve over-reacted to situations that were a little too close to home.
Compassion, Not Perfection
Anger is a misunderstood emotion in our society, so it can take time to change a habit that has often been engrained for years if not decades. So if you catch yourself in another situation and you respond the same you’ve always responded, pause and show yourself some compassion. “Of course I reacted that way, that’s really not too surprising because I’ve responded that way for decades! Next time I’ll try again”.
After giving yourself compassion, reflect on what you need to do.
Do you need to apologize if you have treated a person poorly? Notice if you want to blame your angry behaviour on someone else.
OR
Notice if you want to blame someone else’s angry behaviour on yourself. Do you need to make an intentional choice NOT to apologize? Consider ways to set a boundary with that person.
As always, when you stuck or overwhelmed by a situation or an emotion, it’s good to seek support from someone who is compassionate, honest, and encouraging.
What have you found to be the best way to help you with your anger?
Resources
- If you want a few more curious questions to help you with Step #3 (What about the situation made me angry) OR you’re a parent and want to explore how to support your child’s anger, here’s a previous blog I wrote Anger What Is It Good For? A quick tip is to notice your tendency to problem-solve, and try validating. “I can guess why you would be angry about that” AND give them 3 reasons why you think they might be angry. The goal is not to be accurate or even agree with why they might be angry. The goal is to connect with that person and show them you care about them. Acknowledged anger diffuses it.
- The book The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner is an excellent read for anyone exploring their own response to anger. It is written with the lens of supporting women, but it’s really a book for anyone.
Overwhelmed? 3 Strategies To Filter Out the Noise
With summer coming to a close, the energy of fall will be upon us shortly. Fall is an excellent time to reflect on all the things we kept or added to our plate in 2019 and choose which items to keep, add, or let go.
One of the best books I’ve read in 2019 is Greg McKeown’s Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. It’s a business book and not a therapy book, but the tools for getting essential in business are the same anywhere else in your life. Today I’m going to share a few tools to help you determine how to filter out the excess in your life or counter any FOMO (fear of missing out) that you’re experiencing.
Using Our Values As Our Guides
Step # 1: Choosing Your Top 3 Priorities
When life gets overwhelming, it’s important to sit down and ask yourself, “What are my top 3 values in my life right now?” Even better if you can rate each item #1, #2, & #3. If you’re tempted to pick more, don’t! Then the exercise defeats the purpose.
Some Options: Family, Romantic Relationship, Work/Career, Health, Spirituality, Animals, Environment, School/Education, Philanthropy, Friends, Sports, Travel, Investing, Adventure, Having Fun, Self-Growth
There’s a million more you could you choose from, and each of the above items could be narrowed to be more specific – “My child who’s struggling in school, my dog, spending time with my 2 best friends, playing basketball, planning a trip to Greece, my mental health or my physical health, and so on.
After some reflection I chose #1 Family, #2 Work/Career, and #3 Health. I decided to have Family include my relationship with my kids and with my husband and then extended family. What did you choose?
Step #2: Using Your Top 3 Priorities To Shape Your Lens
Now create a list of things you’re wondering about whether to keep doing or to start doing and ask yourself, “Does this item fit into my top 3 Priorities?” If it doesn’t, cross if off of your list. If you don’t want to cross it off, take a moment to reflect if you need to choose a different top priority so that you can keep it, or whether there’s another reason you don’t want to let go of it.
Step #3: Experiment for 1 week
Each day notice when you have multiple choices at once and then pause. Choose the item that fits your top priority. I had a day where I was supposed to go out and see a group of women I enjoy spending time with, however one of my sons had a really rough day and needed some extra attention. In that moment I reflected on my priorities and decided that my son in that moment was my priority. This decision paid off as through spending time together we were able to connect, communicate and problem-solve.
At other times I may have chosen differently if my mental health tank was getting close to empty and nourishing my own mental health was more important. Then I may have chosen to see friends so that later I could come home and be a better mom after meeting my own needs. In that moment I may have moved health to #1 and family to #2.
Each day for one week spend time to reflect at the end of the day whether you spent your time during your day devoted to your top 3 values and times that you didn’t. Where you can make a change?
Tool #2: Simple Ways to Manage FOMO
This is a tool right from Greg McKeown’s book Essentialism (p. 111).
What is the Opportunity being offered you right now?
What are your 3 minimum criteria for this option to be considered?
What are your 3 extreme or ideal criteria for this option to be approved?
In order for you to say yes to this opportunity, it needs to meet all 3 of your minimum critieria and at least 2 of your extreme critiera. With this in mind, create your criteria.
Here is mine I created for Training opportunities related to my work. (Note: First I narrowed my focus on work by creating my top priority for my job as a therapist – Providing High-Quality Psychotherapy to my clients. I created other priorities too, but will keep them out for simplicity)
Minimum:
- Does it target one of my top 2 priorities for work?
- Does the leader of this training an expert in this field?
- Does the training incorporate engaging and interactive learning?
Maximum
- Is it within my budget?
- Do I have gut “yes!!” reaction to this opportunity
- Are there clear guidelines, expectations, and accountability built into this course?
I’m the kind of person who sometimes says yes to a course because it’s really cheap and has a small time commitment. Often this leaves me disappointed in the course because I didn’t do any further research. I’m also the kind of person who likes to go with my gut reaction to make decisions. This information is important, but it can’t be my only critieria because once I start the training I’m annoyed at myself if the training is boring or there’s no accountability built in or it’s uninspiring.
What are few opportunities that you’ve joined or considered getting involved in? This exercise can also be used for opportunities you’re wondering whether to stay involved with or keep in your life.
Tool # 3 For The People Pleaser – Setting Boundaries
When people make their problem our problem, we aren’t helping them; we’re enabling them (McKeown, 2014 p. 168).
I don’t know about you, but I’m definitely a people pleaser for some things in my life. Many of us learn this early in life and continue this pattern and later realize that boy, we’re awfully tired and don’t seem to have time for anything fun.
Boundaries are essential in helping us determine where to put our energy into our life. Do you ever get the feeling that someone, while innocently asking you a question, really hasn’t put any energy into their own research? Do you have that one parent who always asks you to watch their kids but never watches yours? Do you have that person who asks you to take the extra shift because you don’t have kids so you must have more time? Do have that friend or colleague who stops mid-conversation to answer a text?
Did any of your top values include you and your well-being? If they didn’t, get curious about this and consider adding something related to you. If you always value others before yourself, then this a recipe for burnout.
Notice in your personal or work life where your boundaries are being crossed. Then ask yourself – is the request that person is making fit one of your top 3 priorities?
Self-reflection: What are my boundaries in my work relationships, romantic relationships, with family or friends? In what situations do I always put others first? Psychotherapy can help if you get stuck with this question.
If you can’t articulate {your boundaries} to yourself and others, it may be unrealistic to expect other people to respect them or even figure them out (McKeown, 2014, p. 169-170).
Conclusion
Connecting with our values, knowing our minimum & maximum critieria to say yes to opportunities and knowing and setting our boundaries are 3 ways that can offer clarity and help the overwhelm diminish in our lives. I noticed the anxiety I sometimes feel when I look at a busy week, start to disappear when I take time to shape my week in a way that fits my values and respects my boundaries.
If you’re interested in learning more, Greg McKeown has many more strategies in his book Essentialism. Good luck!
References
McKeown, G. (2014). Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. New York: Penguin Random House LLC.
How To Give The Gift Of Presence
During the open house of my new office location, I was inspired to offer a presence experiment. A friend gave me the idea as inspired by the performance artist Marina Abramović . Marina sat for 7 hours a day for 100 days at the Museum of Modern Art in 2010. She sat silently in a wooden chair with an open invitation for people to sit across from her as she gazed at them.
The Presence Experiment
Thinking that calling it the “Psychotherapist is Present” might be a little too intimidating, I called it the Presence Experiment. I invited people to come in to my space and sit across from me for 5 minutes. People were invited to come in by themselves or with others and were told that I’d silently gaze at them for 5 minutes and they were welcome to return my gaze or not. The timer was put on and we began.
In all honesty, while being excited about doing this experiment, I was also really nervous. I both hoped and didn’t hope for people to participate. In the end I sat with around 25 people and when I went home, my husband commented about how present I was with him.
The Response
I was lucky to have my landlord Tracy and her husband as my first participants. Afterwards we all commented that we felt calmer and more present. Whereas I am more of an introvert and would wait for people to come and find me, Tracy is an extrovert and started to send people my way to try it out. So the part of me that wanted to hide during the event didn’t get a chance.
I sat with all kinds of different people of different ages, races, and genders. Most people sat as a group and some people sat on their own. Some people returned my gaze, some experimented with holding my gaze and some closed their eyes. Some people giggled, and others felt annoyed if I spent more time gazing at one person over an another. As a whole the response was very positive.
Sometimes 5 minutes could feel like 30 minutes and sometimes it felt like 3 minutes. Afterwards I felt more grounded, connected and present with others and myself.
Try This At Home
Variation #1: Gazing at eachother
For variation # 1, I encourage you try it exactly as I listed out in this article with a friend or family member.
- Put the timer on for 5 minutes
- Sit across from eachother gazing into eachothers eyes. Try to keep your energy within yourself without an intent to influence the other or gaze into the depths of their soul. The goal is to simply be with one another without an agenda.
- Notice how you feel afterwards
Variation #2: Presence during an activity
For variation #2, I encourage you to simply be present with a child, pet, a plant, a loved one, or yourself for 5 minutes.
- With a child let them take the lead and give them neutral responses, “I see you like this game, what’s this you’re making?” and try to resist any impulse to lead or give them feedback . Try to avoid “you shouldn’t say that, don’t do that, why don’t we do x, y, z, what an amazing drawing you’ve made!”. Imagine you are an anthropoligist with them for 5 minutes and they are showing you their world.
- With a pet, spend time just petting your cat, walking your dog, gazing at your fish or how ever else you like to spend time with your pets.
- With a plant or tree spend your time connect either by leaning against the tree or gazing at it for 5 minutes.
- With another adult, do something similar as to the instructions as when you’re with a child. Have a 5 minute conversation with them and try to resist any impulse to lead or give them feedback. Do an activity for 5 minutes together of anything that doesn’t involve screens.
- With yourself it can feel more like mindfulness – notice your thoughts and emotions as you do an activity of your choice. Try not to change your thoughts or emotions, just notice as a witness.
- Notice the impact of this experience on your relationship with the person you did this with. Notice how you and the other person feel too.
Conclusion
Psychotherapy involves presence, sometimes with silence and sometimes without silence. Presence as a concept can be felt and experienced by anyone, wherever and however they choose to feel it. If you notice that you struggle with being present, you’re not alone. I doubt that 5 years ago I could’ve intentionally sat with a person in silence for 5 minutes, it felt like too much. So start with the variation that feels best for you. Let me know how it goes!
Weeds Are Just Misunderstood
Sometimes the best quotes are from people you know.
Today’s photo comes from my Dad, taken last week somewhere in Dundas. Here is the dialogue between my Dad and one of my sisters about it, and I thought it was a great metaphor for many things in our lives that we hold judgment about.
Embrace those weeds!
New Hamilton Location
| It is always bittersweet to change locations. I have enjoyed my time at 16McMurray street in Dundas, and I will especially miss the fish tank and the Dundas locale. That being said, I am excited to share my new location as of June 17 at 430 York Blvd in Hamilton at the Hamilton Centre for Personal Development. It is a beautiful space that I’m looking forward to sharing with you. I will be keeping my Thursday Burlington location for now. The new space is located at the corner of Locke street and York Blvd in Hamilton. The parking entrance is off of Locke Street, and there is free street parking too. It has easy access to the 403, being just minutes away. The building is shared with De La Sol Yoga Studio, Studio Zee Pilates, and so much more. My entrance is located on the York Blvd side. Just go up the one set of stairs and I’m there. If you need wheelchair accessibility, please let me know and I will share the details. I will continue to be available Mondays and Wednesdays. See the link for hours and details. |
Hamilton Centre for Personal Development Open House
| If you want to see the new space or anything else that is offered in the building, there will be an open house on June 14 from 6-9pm called the Night of Light. |
