Psychotherapy and Counselling Articles

Articles related to psychotherapy and counselling.

Third Chakra 101

May 17, 2022 by Juanita Lepage Leave a Comment

Every year when the Forsythia starts to bloom in my back yard, I breathe a sigh of relief that Spring is officially here (not that March 21 nonsense). Gorgeous yellow flowers that will warm my heart for 3-4 weeks until summer weather arrives.

Forsythia always remind of the third chakra. And every year I think about writing about that, and today is the day! Today I’m going to keep it simple for anyone wanting to learn more about their third chakra. If you’re brand new to chakras, I encourage you to start with my post – Anatomy of Energy Healing (Energy Healing 101).

Location

The third chakra is located in your solar plexus, above your belly button and below your ribs. Each chakra opens in 2 directions – the front of your body and the back of your body.

Colour

Vibrant sunshiney yellow! It can vary in brightness and hue.

Biological Functions

The simplest way to connect the chakras to biological functions is to notice what key organs and body parts are located near that chakra. This organ is strongly connected to digestion. Organs in this area include stomach, intestines, liver, pancreas, gall bladder, kidneys, adrenals and spleen (A lot of organs!). Research has shown that our nervous system is connected to this area too.

Psychological Functions

The front-facing third chakra is connected to your sense of who you are in the world. It is connected to our relationship with our personal power.Your back-facing third chakra is connected towards your intention towards your physical health.

Element

The third chakra is associated with the sun. There is fire energy in this place. Personal power and taking steps towards your physical and emotional well-being require energy. It matches the energy of Spring and Summer, where energy starts to move again after a slowing down during Autumn and Winter. You can see this as people start to exercise more, get outside and become more social.

How To Nourish Your Third Chakra

The third chakra is associated with digestion, both physically and psychologically. Healthy eating and exercise are both helpful for this area. This does not need to be dramatic to have a positive impact on your third chakra – it is about starting to do even one thing differently in your life.

If you’re the type of person who thrives on doing – then sometimes nourishing yourself will be the action of rest or slowing down. Again – it’s not about stopping all the things you do, it’s about adding more rest or slowness into your life.

If you have stomach issues or digestive issues, reflect on areas in your life that you are having trouble digesting. Seek out help in moving this area or bringing healing to them – psychotherapy is a great way to help digest these areas in your life. There is a lot of clearing and determining what to keep in your system and what to let go that happens in the organs in this area. Sometimes (Not always) this relates to emotions too – what are you holding and what do you struggle to release?

Playing With The Third Chakra

Gentle ways to play with the third chakra and it’s energies are wearing yellow or wrapping yourself in a yellow blanket. If you like crystals, it’s choosing a yellow one that you’re drawn to. If you resonate with sound, search Youtube for chakra balancing sound baths or meditations. Add some yellow flowers to your garden, altar, or in a vase in your home. Dandelion bouquets and crowns are welcome too.

Resource

If you’re interested in diving more deeply into the anatomy of chakras, my favourite book is Anodea Judith’s Eastern Body Western Mind: Psychology and the Chakra System as a Path to the Self.

How To Respond To Allegations Of Sexual Assault

May 4, 2022 by Juanita Lepage Leave a Comment

Today I’m dipping into a heavier topic. I debated between this one and something lighter, but I find when topics stick around in my brain, I generally know I’ve got to write about it before I can move on to another topic.

I’ve been so thrilled to see television shows and books show how to be supportive when someone shares about sexual assault or abuse. There are have been so many stories shared over the years focusing on whether or not the victim is telling the truth. In reality, it is incredibly challenging for a victim to say what happened out loud and then be at risk of not being believed, then shamed and potentially abandoned by those they love. The “long story short” is – Believe Them.

1. Book: Run Towards The Danger by Sarah Polley

I love this entire book and may dedicate an entire post in the future to all things Sarah Polley. This book is divided into 6 different stories. Her second story is entitled, “The Woman Who Stayed Silent”.

If you live in Canada, you probably have heard about Jian Ghomeshi, the CBC Radio Host, who got charged with multiple accounts of assault and was found not guilty. Sarah shares her experience of being sexually assaulted by Jian Ghomeshi and the internal struggle she had whether to speak up during the trial. Coming from a place of privilege and access to multiple lawyers (including her husband), 99% of the advice was, “I would have a very hard time recommending that someone I knew and loved come forward in a sexual assault case. p. 80).” She was also told that while it was safe to come forward to the police, that she would undergo much trauma as a result of process of the current legal system.

She ultimately decided not to come forward with her story because she was advised that the inconsistencies in her story might lead to more harm than good. That being said, she also received the message, “The advice you get from lawyers about what to do here isn’t necessarily going to be the same that you will give yourself as a woman, as a mother, as a political activist. p. 82).”

Two messages that stood out for me in her story were 1) Making a choice whether to and when to come forward with one’s story is a personal choice, And 2) Inconsistencies in one’s story is perhaps a way show that a person is telling the truth. These are both things that you can say to a person who shares information about sexual assault.

2. Netflix Show: Dear White People Season 3

This show is so good for so many reasons and like Sarah Polley, they don’t ever shy away from delving into challenging topics. Season Three dives into what to do when someone everyone puts on a pedestal is charged with sexual assault. A Black professor who has done incredible things for race issues at their College is the one charged with these allegations. A white girl is the one is hesitant to come forward. Everyone shares different opinions about whether they believe her and whether she should come forward.

Spoiler Alert (don’t read if you don’t want to know what happens). There are so few Black mentors at this college, that the student and mentee Reggie struggles the most to grapple with two sides of this professor. He thrives under this man’s mentorship and at the same time struggles with what to do if these allegations are true. Ultimately he shows viewers how to respond – he believes and supports the woman and stands up to the professor.

Message: You don’t need to respond perfectly the first time some one shares about a sexual assault. What matters is that you need to spend some time to reflect on what it is that makes it challenging for you to believe this person. What emotions does it bring it up? Can you make space for the complexity of having multiple opposing emotions? There is a heartbreak that happens when someone you love is the one who’s charged. And then after you’ve done this work, make sure you apologize to that person for your hesitation in believing them and tell them you are going to try and do better.

3. Show: Sex Lives of College Girls

In all honesty, I didn’t finish the first season, but I still want to give it a shout out. What I loved about this show was how it shared the complexity in the dynamic of a sex positive culture and also believing a “sexually promiscuous” person when they share about sexual assault. This show also shows a male peer at first not believing the individual and then later apologizing to this person. Yes!!! I’m all for more shows teaching audiences how to respond. We need more shows to continue sharing this message.

Message: Being sex-positive and enjoying sex with multiple partners doesn’t mean a person didn’t get sexually assaulted. Consent is deserved by all.

Summary

Believe the person
Choosing what/when/how to share one’s story is a personal choice
Inconsistency in one’s story/behaviours is likely a cue that their story is true
If you responded poorly to someone, reflect on your internal reactions (not the accuracy of their story) about why it’s challenging for you to support this person. Then apologize to them and support them.
Being a person who has sex with multiple partners doesn’t mean a person didn’t get sexually assaulted. Consent is deserved by all.
Also – Being a person who has had sex with one consistent partner doesn’t mean that this person didn’t get sexually assaulted by that partner

Privilege And Pain

April 14, 2022 by Juanita Lepage Leave a Comment

Recently, I got to tick the “I got COVID box”, along with my family, cancel an exciting vacation and also revisit some deep inner-wounds (with the help of my therapist). I also watched The Ultimatum on Netflix, which can’t be unseen, so to say I’ve had better weeks would be an understatement.

My family and I are doing physically well now, but the emotional and spiritual pieces are still shifting and landing.

One thing I appreciated was that not one person minimized my pain about this experience. That’s a braggy thing to say, isn’t it? Bear with me. No one said, “It could be worse”, or that, “At least you don’t have to deal with __________ “, or, “maybe it happened for a reason?” And noticing this seems important to highlight. I got a lot of, “You really needed a vacation”, or “You were really looking forward to that”, or “That sucks so bad!”

The reason I want to note this occasion is that it hasn’t been the norm in my life experience. Growing up in a conservative Christian community, this belief that privilege should minimize pain was very strong among my family, friends and community. Yet instead of connecting people or making anyone feel better, it created distance, arrogance, and disconnection from one’s self, the environment, each-other and the world. It created Savior complexes and badges of honour for bearing pain with no complaint.

The belief that privilege should negate pain is one of the most persistent beliefs I come across in those seeking therapy. Often people feel a deep shame about feeling sadness and anger about life’s circumstances, when they have so many aspects of privilege in their life.

Why should privilege mean that you don’t feel emotional pain?

If you start to unpack this, you may find that it doesn’t make any logical sense that any type of privilege should stop you from feeling emotional pain. This would only lead to a small portion of the world being allowed to feel pain and I guarantee you that many of them would probably think of someone else they know who has it worse than them.

A Different Perspective

In the Western world we haven’t been taught to think with a lot of nuance. You either love your parents or hate them. You either agree vaccination is a good choice or you don’t. You’re pro-life or you’re pro-choice. And on and on to any issue with some polarity.

A lot of times we carry multiple opposing truths within ourselves. “I love my parent/spouse/friend but I find some experiences with that person to be quite painful and hurtful”.

Acknowledging that a parent or partner did something wounding, doesn’t mean you don’t love them too.

Acknowledging that a parent or partner is a loving human being, doesn’t mean that they didn’t do something wounding.

If you’ve ever seen Canadian Dr. Gabor Mate in person or listened to him online, you’ll get introduced to his party trick of connecting current pain to childhood pain. Any time someone says, “I had a great childhood”, he will quickly find the dialectic in that person’s experience, leaving them with a conundrum of whether they can hold two truths at once, or disregard the pain or the love.

A different way to look at things are to acknowledge privileges in one’s life and also one’s pains and struggles. I am a white heterosexual woman living in Ontario – I have a ton of privilege. At the same time I also experience pain, shame, anger, sadness and so much more.

Acknowledging Our Own Pain Allows Us to Hold Space for Others Pain

Sometimes there is a fear that if we feel our pain we’ll get sucked into some vortex of pain that will never let us see the light of day. Is that true?

Sometimes one’s pain is extremely overwhelming – in that case I always recommend trying this out with a therapist. Some things are best unpacked with some care.

Ultimately, as we find new ways to be present with our pain, I’ve noticed that it helps us connect more deeply and compassionately with those around us. If I can learn to create a safe place to feel my own pain, it also allows me to hold this space with others in an authentic way. It allows me to be open to different perspectives. Life can be really hard. Life can really suck. Sometimes people in our lives are really irritating. And life is sometimes exciting, fun and joyful too.

Reflections On Mercy

February 1, 2022 by Juanita Lepage Leave a Comment

I’d be lying if I said I gave much thought to the concept of Mercy. This Christmas I was given the beautiful book – Hallelujah Anyway: Rediscovering Mercy by Anne Lamott.

Maybe you’re well acquainted with mercy, but in case you aren’t, mercy can be seen as offering forgiveness and unconditional love when our brain lists the many valid reasons not to.

Anne Lamott reflects on mercy with wit, honesty and humour. She’s a beautifully irreverent Christian who gives examples in her own life where she’s struggled to offer mercy. She also shares parts of the Bible that speak to mercy. Note: She is LGTBQI++ friendly Christian, hooray!

Here are a few reflections on the concept of mercy.

Mercy Cannot Be Forced

Forgiveness to someone who has hurt you or forgiveness to yourself is not something you can force yourself to do using will power. It’s a moment of grace where you make a shift and you might not even be sure why. It’s imagining that you are opening the internal doors of yourself to even a little bit of light.

Mercy To One Self Is Just As Important As Mercy Given To Others

Many people are excellent at giving mercy to others, but can’t extend that same gift to themselves. This is something I’ve certainly struggled with: holding on to those times that I did something kind of mean or in ignorance and at the same time easily forgiving someone else who would’ve done the same thing.

A great question to ask yourself is: Who do I forgive most easily in my life – myself, others or no one?

What is your first reaction to the thought of extending mercy to yourself or others?

I remember reading how the spiritual leader Ram Dass always put a picture on his altar of the individuals he was struggling to extend mercy towards. Who would be on your altar?

Mercy Is Not The Same As Not Setting Boundaries

Giving mercy is not martyrdom. If you’re giving mercy to everyone else and not yourself, that’s a big imbalance. If you have someone in your life who doesn’t take any accountability for their actions, it’s important to set a boundary. This can be a courageous place to show mercy to yourself for your struggle to set a boundary. It’s never too late to treat yourself with the same kindness and mercy you extend to others.

Starting With Intention

I haven’t forgiven all those that have wronged me. I’d love to blame the other and hold onto self-righteousness sometimes. Like Anne Lamott, some circumstances are either too fresh or I just don’t want to.

Anne would suggest using prayer. Ram Dass would suggest putting a photo of that person/those people on your altar. Another way is to start by asking:

Who am I struggling with right now? How can I open myself (even a little bit) to extend mercy here?

“What would it be like to forgive myself/other person? What might it’s impact be on my life?

Or: “I’d like to forgive __, maybe not today, but sooner, rather than later. I don’t know how that’s going to be possible, but I’m going to put it out there.”

All of these options open your world to the possibility of grace happening to allow mercy into your life. It’s the arrival of true compassion where none existed before.

“I’m not sure I even recognize the ever-presence of mercy anymore, the divine and the human: the messy, crippled, transforming, heartbreaking, lovely, devastating presence of mercy. But I have come to believe that I am starving to death for it, and my world is, too.” – Anne Lamott

I Don’t Know, I Don’t Know, I Don’t Know

January 4, 2022 by Juanita Lepage Leave a Comment

One thing that really stuck with me from my time at the Barbara Brennan School of Healing was when one week we had the theme, “I don’t know”. We spent time leaning into how much we truly don’t “know” about life and this world and all of it’s mysteries.

As a therapist and energy healer, there is this weird conundrum of knowing and not knowing when I’m with a client. I know generally what I can do to help a person, but I have to leave a lot of space open to the unknown too. Sometimes changes can happen rapidly for a person and with great ease. Other times healing takes time and this can be incredibly frustrating. Sometimes there are tools to help with managing some things, yet most of the time it’s most beneficial to give space to feel the discomfort of being in the unknown and then clarity arises and shifts happen.

One of the big things that living with COVID and the changing rules is that there is an incredible amount of unknown. In the span of 4 days as a parent I shifted from, “my kids are going to school in person” to “my kids are going to school online”. I felt incredibly frustrated with the change. I wish I felt like Lisa Kudrow (below) about this, but I didn’t.

The Tool Three Things (AKA being in the present moment)

One practical tool that helps me, is consciously shifting to the here and now. I was lying beside my son in his bed as we chatted about the upcoming announcement from the government and I could feel all my anxiety. Being that close to bed time I knew I didn’t want to sit with it so I started naming out loud where I was and what I saw around me.

So many spiritual leaders talk about the present moment being the only one that we have and to embrace it. In some therapeutic approaches, this technique is called “Three Things” – you take time to name 3 things you see, hear, and feel on your body and then 2 things and then 1 thing in each category. I find it interesting to note that while I am shifting to “the present moment”, I question if that’s really true. I think perhaps I am shifting from having one part of myself dominate my reality to other parts that are more peaceful. Often in the spiritual world we forget that the anxious part of ourselves is real too and needs attention at some point or it will let itself be known quite loudly.

Sitting With Discomfort (AKA – sitting with “I don’t know”)

At a different time of day, I might have intentionally sat with anxiety and saw it as one part of myself and not all of myself. I can notice what it feels like in my body and what other emotions arise. Often, being present with it in a conscious and safe way helps it release. Often with anxiety, one of the most helpful ways to reduce its intensity is to become more comfortable sitting with the discomfort that arises in a safe way. In other words, it’s becoming more comfortable with “I don’t know” and the emotions that arise from this notion and leaning into it.

If you’re a person who enjoys adventure, it can be like travelling to a new place knowing you have some resources at your finger tips to provide some safety and at the same time being with the variety of unknown factors such as language, culture, or moving around a new city. Every traveller I know has a story of plans that didn’t go as planned.

When I was growing up, my parents enjoyed travelling to a destination with a general plan, but nothing booked. Most of the time we found a place to sleep and sometimes we slept in the car or on the side of the road. I felt comfortable with the unknown because I felt safe with them there. The “I don’t know” was sometimes uncomfortable and stressful and at other times provided us with new experiences we never would’ve imagined.

What ways have you found helpful to sit with “I don’t know”? Do you find that some places it easier to embrace in some areas of your life than others?

Intentional Gratitude: Helpful Or Over-Rated?

October 12, 2021 by Juanita Lepage Leave a Comment

I’ve had a touch and go relationship with gratitude over the years. Growing up in a Christian community, we practised gratitude mostly through prayer and giving to those who needed money or connection. As I’ve shifted to becoming less religious and more spiritual, the messages I get are often about the importance of having an energetic vibration akin to joy and peace.

I love how gratitude can translate to noticing the bright moments even on those days that seem challenging. I love how gratitude can translate to generosity of spirit.

My struggle with gratitude is when it’s used as a mask or method to deny or minimize pain. I often hear from people, “My life is good – I have so many great things going on in my life – (insert: money, home, health, family etc) and I still feel horrible”.

If you’re a person who minimizes your pain, my challenge today is for you to really look at why having food, clothing, home etc means that you shouldn’t feel pain.

So often gratitude is used to minimize the pain of ourselves or others – “at least you’ve got (insert blank)”, “everything happens for a reason” or “others have it worse than I do, so I shouldn’t complain”.

When you minimize your pain, notice what happens in your body. For me, I can physically start to feel tense inside the core of my body. Scan your body and notice where you hold your tension or pain. Emotionally I can shift to numbness (chakras closing) and sometimes I will disconnect from my body all together. You may notice similar things or you may notice your emotions such as anxiety & anger intensify.

What if you acknowledged both your privilege and your pain?

“I’m really hurting right now”. “I feel incredibly sad and overwhelmed”. “What I’m going through is challenging in so many ways – it makes a lot of sense that I feel what I’m feeling”.

We often find it easier to do this when we have an obvious trauma that happens, for example the loss of family member or dear friend. We’d never say – “Sorry about the loss of your parent, but at least you have a nice house”.

This can be more challenging when it’s difficult to put your finger on exactly what is bothering you right now. Maybe it’s stress, maybe it’s overwhelm and you’re judging yourself because other people don’t seem to be overwhelmed by the same things you are. Many times it’s a subconscious pattern of disregarding our own needs or even acknowledging our own needs leaving us with a feeling of anxiety or anger. Sometimes emotional pain exhibits as physical/somatic pain in your body.

If you don’t know why you’re feeling what you’re feeling, I encourage you to try and simply it acknowledge it without rationalizing it. “I’m feeling like crap today, and I don’t know why”. Imagine giving this place a little room to breathe for 5 minutes or more.

My experience with myself and in helping others, is that allowing space for pain allows it to expand and then release. Allowing pain doesn’t have to deny the capacity for gratitude.

Sometimes there are fears that arise around feeling pain – “What if it overwhelms me? What if it takes over and I never feel joy?” With psychotherapy we can explore what your fears are about feeling your pain and take a path that allows you to experience your pain at a pace that’s respectful to you. Energy healing too can help a person ground and reconnect with one’s body and emotions.

So What About Gratitude?

Gratitude has its place in all of this, and my encouragement is to see if you can BOTH acknowledge those areas of gratitude and also those areas of pain and shift away from an either/or attitude.

I’ve found that starting my day with 3 things I’m grateful for can be a beautiful way to shift my energy to be more connected with the present. Or even the intention of doing one thing that I enjoy today and being specific about it – play a game on my phone, go for a walk, eat something delicious, read a chapter of good book. Genuine gratitude feels really good. It has also helped me look beyond myself and give to others – whether that be a family member or friend or a charity.

I’ve found that seeing a therapist has been a great way for me to acknowledge my pain. I grew up learning to be at adept at disregarding my own needs and it took me a good while to really acknowledge and be present with my own pain. As I practice intentionally allowing my pain & struggles, I’ve found more peace and connection with myself & others. When I allow my pain, it often passes a lot more quickly than I had anticipated.

What are your rituals to feel your gratitude, and how do you give yourself space to feel your pain?