Juanita Lepage MSW, RSW, BHP

Counselling & Energy Healing (289) 812-8089 Hamilton, Ontario

Psychotherapy and Counselling Articles

Articles related to psychotherapy and counselling.

Racism, Fierce Women And Pleasure: 2020 Summertime Reads

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So, Racism. Let’s start there because it’s the most important in today’s blog. The world paid attention after the death of George Floyd, and so did I. As a white woman I’ve been spending some time reading, connecting to others, reflecting on what I need to change and starting to make some changes. This large cultural change that needs to happen starts with each of us making a change and it feels very much like a marathon goal and not a sprint.

I’ve included a few books that I’ve read in regards to racism and one of my goals has been to continue this process, so as I continue to find ones I like, I’ll recommend them in my blog on occasion.

As I’ve started to explore my own racism and support of systemic racism more deeply, it has felt heavy and overwhelming at times. I’m a person who can go deeply into heavy topics, but I need to balance it with doing things that bring me joy, pleasure, and peace. It can feel wrong to do these things when so many horrible things are happening around us, but it is very important. For me if I spend time in joy, pleasure, & peace, this allows me to continue exploring this topic of racism and spending energy on making changes. So I’ve included 2 other books today, and while neither of these books are what I would call beach reads, I wanted to include them. But please read those beach reads! I’ve been reading them too, they just didn’t make the list today.

Today’s Books

  1. Born a Crime by Trevor Noah
  2. The Skin We’re In by Desmond Cole
  3. White Fragility by Robin Diangelo
  4. Untamed by Glennon Doyle
  5. Find Your Pleasure by Cynthia Loyst

Born a Crime by Trevor Noah

Born a Crime by Trevor Noah

This was my favourite read. This book is a gift for us all in that Trevor is able to talk about his experiences with racism and oppression in South Africa with candor and humour. He talks about the complexities of racism within the black community and the racist and sexist systems built by white South Africans. Racism is not hidden in South Africa. In Canada, we like to spend time looking at other countries racism and ignoring our own. This book helped me reflect on what lies beneath the surface of our systems here in Canada. I had mixtures of laughter and tears while reading this book. You will end this book loving his mother and in awe of Trevor Noah.

The Skin We’re In by Desmond Cole

The Skin We're In: A Year of Black Resistance and Power: Cole, Desmond: 9780385686341: Books - Amazon.ca

If you’re a white Canadian (and especially Ontarian), if you read any book about racism, I’d recommend this one. Desmond is a black activist and writer based in Toronto, Ontario. He names how the the Canadian media consistently omits the racism happening in our own cities and country and focuses on what is happening in the USA. He details a month by month account of 2017 and racism and systemic racism he challenges in the school board, with the police, in major newspapers and provincial & federal agencies.

As a white woman I realize that I’ve had the privilege of choosing not to read the news when I don’t want to and also the privilege of feeling safe with the police and other agencies. This book was such a gift in that it wasn’t some random facebook article and you’d never find it in the big media outlets because of who owns the big Canadian Newspapers and Media. Read it! And then reflect on which systems in your life you need to hold accountable for change.

White Fragility by Robin Diangelo

White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism: DiAngelo, Robin, Dyson, Michael Eric ...

This is THE book that I’ve seen as recommended reading on anti-racism. Full disclosure, I haven’t read it all. It’s very helpful, but it’s written by an academic and you can tell. She has lots of videos online. I recommend this Youtube video as a start and then take this book chapter by chapter as she explains what white fragility is and how it shows up in our lives. My understanding is that white fragility shows up as a feeling of defensiveness that white people have when black people name that white people are acting racist. There are feelings of denial and shame. Robin shares how most white people aren’t racist in the conventional sense of hating black people, but that white people are complicit in keeping systemic racism in place by our silence about oppressive behaviours.

Robin asks us to notice our reaction when white or black people get angry in a large group. How do we perceive when men or women get angry in a group? Who’s the loudest? Who’s silent? Who ultimately gets heard?

I read a great facebook post that was shared through the myriad of threads that encouraged us all to reflect on the many forms of fragility in our lives – male fragility that arises with the request for equal pay among genders and the #MeToo movement, or the extensive heterosexual fragility when homosexuals were asking for the right to marry too and not be persecuted for their sexuality. The list goes on and on. What kind of fragility do you have in your life?

Untamed by Glennon Doyle

Untamed by Glennon Doyle

This book is raw, honest, heart-open writing. A friend had listened to the audiobook and recommended it to me (Thank you!). Glennon describes her pattern of writing books and then realizing afterwards that she no longer has the same reflections about her life. It seems that after this book (and me now following her now on Instagram) things have shifted for the better for her. She was/is? a Christian woman who was committed to her faith and her husband. She then worked through a period of his infidelity and after committing to stay, she met Abby Wombach (famous soccer player) at a Book Event and realized that she was attracted to her. She writes about this experience and ultimately her decision to divorce her husband and marry Abby.

She also talks about the realization that if she listens to herself, she is always guided about what to do that meets both her and society’s higher needs. This is what psychotherapy often does too. Our society has been built on telling people they need to go outside themselves to find the answers to their questions. This starts in parenting and our school systems and culture. What if you really could trust your own instincts? Or as Glennon infers, “What if you are really a wild cheetah but you’ve just been tamed? What if you started the practice of untaming yourself?” The focus of the book is on women, but it could be applied to any gender. She is also ahead of the curve of most white people (including me) in regards to racism and reflects on her own journey.

Find Your Pleasure by Cynthia Loyst

Find Your Pleasure | Book by Cynthia Loyst | Official Publisher Page | Simon & Schuster Canada

I happened up on this book at my local library and was introduced to Cynthia Loyst, who created a beautiful coffee-table book about simple ways to mindfully choose pleasure in your life. This book isn’t a must read, but a gentle reminder and inspiration to nourish ourselves and experience joy. When we do this we create greater space for growth within ourselves and compassion for others.

Phew! That’s a lot of books. I hope that I offered you a little inspiration as you either start or continue your conversations about racism with friends and family, and to also give yourself permission to have some pleasure & nourishment too along the way and within the greater context of the pandemic and all the extra stresses that it brings too.

Riding The Wave Of Big Emotions

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COVID-19 Emergency Emotional Support Kit

Wow, a lot has happened in the span of a few days with the spiralling reactions and realities about COVID-19.  I don’t know about you, but I’ve felt a lot of different emotions in a very short time, and I continue to ride those waves. I’ve been watching my own experience and reflecting on what has been helpful for me, and the most helpful thing is to acknowledge what I’m feeling without dismissing it as irrelevant because “other people have it worse”.

You Have The Right To Feel Angry, Sad, And Scared

If I can give you one recommendation, it’s to acknowledge your feelings, disappointments, anger, sadness, rage, fear, terror, numbness or whatever else that you are feeling. As soon as you do this, you give permission for those emotions to unwind from your physical and energetic body and your psyche instead of holding them all in. When you hold emotions in for a long time you can feel like Stephen King’s Carrie, ready to explode at the moment the threshold is broken.

Feel Your Emotions, AND Don’t Take Them Out On Others

The art is to NOT take it out on others, but to express and feel them in your own style. Fearful that if you start to feel these things that you’ll never pull yourself out of it? Then give yourself a time limit.  For the next 10 minutes, 2 hours, 1 day etc, I give myself permission to feel _____________.  Then I will regroup and do ____________ to shift my mood in a positive way.  If you’re worried you won’t follow through on a positive activity, then plan it before you give yourself permission to feel your emotions.

Like waves, your emotions cannot be controlled. If you feel another surge of emotions, repeat the actions of feeling your emotions and then shifting them.

Ideas How To Feel Your Emotions In A Healthy Way

Here are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to google for more.

  • Scared? Go for a run, fast walk, or exercise. Hug a pillow and put a pillow along your back too. Say your fears out loud.
  • Disappointed? Maybe hole up in your bed and binge some Netflix.
  • Angry? Some people like to journal and others like to yell in their car while driving. I like to yell in the car (because i have family members at home) or dance – whichever feels the most natural and/or practical within my environment.
  • Sad? Watch a sad movie to feel your sadness or have a bath.

Then you can ground, regroup, and maybe even brightside things if you’re feeling like that’s right for you.

Want to learn more about how to Ride the Wave of Big Emotions? Then read on.

Riding The Wave Of Big Emotions (repost)

This post was originally posted on August 30, 2018.

Have you ever watched the big wave surfers such as Laird Hamilton ride an 80-foot wave?

Big wave surfers have made it their life mission to find ways to ride the largest waves out there.  On the days that the coastguard recommends people to stay out of the water, these surfers go into the water. Here’s a clip to give you a taste of big wave surfing.

When I watch surfing clips on YouTube part of me is pulled to go and become a big wave surfer and part of me wants to sip coffee on the beach while watching big-wave surfers.

Or something stronger than coffee.

When I taught Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to groups of teens, one of the key skills was, Ride the Wave.  It is one of the simplest and yet most challenging psychotherapeutic skills.

Simple Explanation

Notice when you have an uncomfortable emotion rising.  Fully feel that emotion and release it. Carry on.

Reality

Now here are a few common reactions towards feeling those uncomfortable emotions

or there can be fear that your rage will explode or you’ll fall apart into a million pieces

or we might just show our inner Queen and wave while we say to ourselves, “what uncomfortable emotions?” “Maybe others feel them, but I don’t.” In fact I just feel love and such gratitude.

When we try to push painful emotions away, it typically creates more tension inside us and in our interactions with others.

What Can We Do?

Learn to Surf your Emotions

You can assess what kind of emotional surfer you are and depending on your skill and experience you can often do it on your own.

If you meditate, practice mindfulness, or do relaxation exercises this can be an excellent avenue to practice riding the wave.  Part of riding the wave is noticing where you’re holding emotions in your body and giving them attention. It can be noticing the resistance to allowing an emotion.  It can be noticing the thoughts or old patterns and beliefs that keep you from expressing your emotions.

One notice might be the common culturally valued pattern of “keeping it all together”.   We often want our children to “keep it all together” too. This belief is a barrier to feeling your emotions. Notice the language ‘keep it all together” – the phrase intuits a fear that letting out emotion will result in falling apart.

Learning to Surf With a Guide

I don’t know about you, but i’m easily distracted when i try to emotionally surf on my own.  My mind creates things that are much more urgent for me to do instead.  Also if you’re a master at holding in emotions, it often takes time and space to allow for things to start moving.

As a psychotherapist, this is often what I help people do. Holding in emotions takes A LOT of power and energy.   If we slow down and connect to those buried emotions this can help us shift the tension in our bodies and free us from old patterns.  I have had many therapy sessions where it took the full hour to allow myself to feel something deeply, and if I wasn’t paying for the session, I would’ve ended it early and buried the emotions for a little longer (maybe a decade).

Like choosing a wave to surf, riding an emotional wave must be your choice.  No one can make you do it. Yet like learning to surf, it can be helpful to have a guide on your journey.

No one becomes a big wave surfer overnight.  It’s helpful to start by putting your toe in the water, or notice if you’re drowning in your emotions and need a life preserver or someone to take you back to smaller waves first.

Riding the wave is a skill that has taken me a long-time to learn, but with the help of some fabulous guides I keep going back in the water, even when I’d rather be on dry land.

Who is this skill best suited for?

This is a practical skill for everyone, yet it can be especially helpful if you are feeling:

  1. Numbness or “feeling nothing” in most or all situations
  2. Emotional overwhelm in some or many situations
  3. Burned out
  4. Or you’re experiencing the ripple of reactions and realities of COVID-19

Practical Tips To Make Your New Years’ Resolutions A Success

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If you’re you the kind of person who likes to make resolutions for yourself and is determined that 2020 is your year for making those changes, then this post is for you. Today I’m going to share some of my successes and failures in changing habits and give you a few ideas to help make your resolutions a success.

Atomic Habits

It was very timely for me be the recipient on the local library waitlist for James Clear‘s New York Times Best-Seller Atomic Habits in mid-December. James Clear has made it his life mission to help companies and individuals change their habits. As an avid reader, I look at multiple books and when I find a good one, I like to share it with you. Easy to read, succinct, practical, evidence-based and information that we kind of know already is distilled clearly. Atomic Habits are about making tiny changes over time resulting in new habits.

1. Embody Your Goal

Most of the goals we create for ourselves are outcome-based: I want to lose weight, drink less alcohol, exercise more, change jobs etc. etc. So let’s pick one of those goals and figure out how to embody it. If we reverse-engineer these goals and connect them to the underlying identity we want to have for ourselves, we are much more likely to make a change.

Example Goal: Become More Proficient In French

One of my failed goals is always lurking the background – to become more proficient in French. When I lived in France for a year, I became better at understanding French, but I still struggled to speak it well. Part of me thought it might be nice to continue this learning, but it was never a priority and never happened.

James Clear writes that outcome-based goals are the least successful. We need to find out what it is about our identity that we want to change that is making us choose that goal. This is going to be different for everyone. Why do I want to become a better French speaker?

What I like about this exercise is that it helps me determine if I should even keep this on my resolution list, or just toss it and stop feeling bad about it if I never do it. If you’re struggling with the why in your goal or even choosing which resolution to make a priority, take a look at my earlier blog-post Overwhelmed? 3 Strategies to Filter Out the Noise.

My identity-based goal could be, “I want to be a person who can communicate well in another language, because I love visiting France and would like to be able to converse with ease with my French friends and French people in general”. For someone else, it could be, “I’m a person who likes to challenge myself and keep my mind sharp. I love learning languages so I want to learn French”.

If I want to be a person who wants to communicate well in another language, what choices will I make for myself to get there?

“The biggest barrier to positive change at any level – individual, team, society – is identity conflict. Good habits can make rational sense, but if they conflict with your identity you will fail to put them into action”. James Clear

2. It’s About Clarity, Not Lack of Motivation

I have always struggled with getting regular exercise unless it’s part of my daily routine. I used to have a job where I walked 30 minutes to work. Boom. 60 minutes of exercise a day without even thinking about it. Then I started my private practice and my built-in work-out plan was toast.

So did I stop exercising because I lack motivation? That’s what I’ve often thought, but I made a change last September and booked my exercise into my schedule and success! Apparently it was lack of clarity.

James Clear’s simple hack for creating clarity: “I will [BEHAVIOUR] at [TIME] in [LOCATION]. In retrospect, this is what I had done. If I want to apply this to my goal of learning French I need to do the same.

Example: I will [look up ways to find people to practice French] on [Wednesday January 15 from 1-2pm] [online].

3. Make It Easy – Environment Is Queen

Another factor that made my new work-out regime a success is that I do it in the same building I work. I have my gear in my office, and it’s very easy to go there even on days that I contemplate taking a nap instead. If my exercise class is 30 minutes away during rush hour, even if it’s in my schedule, I’m more likely to self-sabotage on days I feel resistance in going.

Not everyone has a gym or yoga studio in the place they work, but it’s more about connecting exercise to something you’re already doing. What’s on the way to your workplace or close to your home? How can you creatively add it to your life so that’s it’s just part of your schedule?

If I look at my goal for learning French, if the options I find are too expensive or inconvenient, I’m less likely to make it a priority. Maybe I need an online option if I can’t find something close to home or work location.

4. Changing Bad Habits

We all do things that aren’t always the best for our health. We do them because they serve an emotional need. I like sugar and find that a difficult habit to change. Eating a cookie feels like a reward to me and I relax as I eat it. Shaming ourselves or others will often backfire in changing bad habits. A person is smoking a cigarette because it gives them something emotionally – maybe peace, maybe reduction of anxiety, maybe connection to others. James Clear writes about how trying to shame people into eating healthier or stop smoking cigarettes (e.g. cigarette packets with horrible health warnings on them) actually increases our stress and then we’re more likely to continue a bad habit. Human beings are wilely like that.

For bad habits, also follow steps 1-3, but if it’s a habit that you’ve had for a long time, it might take a few extra tricks to help yourself out.

  • Reduce your exposure to the bad habit (e.g. don’t have too much sugar in your home, put your cigarettes in a locked box in the freezer, put your phone in a drawer or turn it off)
  • Reward yourself (track the money you didn’t spend on alcohol, pot, cigarettes and transfer that money daily or weekly into a separate account for yourself with a specific reward (getting a massage, vacation, an item that you’ve justified not buying because it’s too expensive). What I like about this option is that it doesn’t require you to quit something altogether, but that you can see a real result even reducing your consumption
  • (Unabashed Self-promo Alert) See a counsellor/psychotherapist to help you identify what emotional need your bad habit is giving you. Sometimes we have no idea and it’s exhausting to even think about. Sometimes when I try self-reflect on a bad habit, I will find that anything else is more important in that moment. Paying someone else to help you with changing habits can help you get clarity and take action. This also works for hiring coaches and personal trainers too.
  • Start with easier goals to reach your hard goal: e.g. if you want to eat less meat, create steps for yourself e.g. A. add 1 more vegetable to every meal B. Find and make 1 new vegetarian-based meal a week C. Increase that to 2 meals a week once I’ve found some recipes that I like etc.
  • Use a Habit Tracker App. My husband uses Loop Habit Tracker. Some people like Fit-bits. Both are great at giving you a visual of your progress over the days, months, and year.

“You can break a habit, but you’re unlikely to forget it…and that means that simply resisting temptation is an ineffective strategy…I have never seen someone consistently stick to positive habits in a negative environment”. James Clear

Summary

The book Atomic Habits goes in more depth about habit change, but consider this blog to be congruent with the tip “start with easier goals to reach your hard goal”. Start with these strategies and then get the book if this has whet your appetite for goal change.

  • Embody your goal,
  • It’s about Clarity, not Motivation,
  • Make it easy: Environment is Queen.

What are your goals for 2020?

Welcome to the 21st Century: 3 Must-Read Books About Women’s Sexuality

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Some of you will lean in closer after you read the title of this blog, and some of you will lean away. Guess what, both are normal reactions to talking, reading, or discussing anything related to female sexuality. Any woman knows that female sexuality is something that everyone has an opinion about. Morality of what is “appropriate” or good or bad often stop women from getting to know their sexuality in a deeper way. This is a detriment to ourselves and to our partners. If you can, for the remainder of this article (and maybe beyond), gather any self-judgments or opinions from your family, friends, and community and put them on a shelf as you learn a little more in one of these books.

I remember in Highschool during a biology dissection we had to go up to the teacher and label where the female genitalia was located on whatever poor creature we were dissecting. Only one woman in the room got it right, and it wasn’t me. The teacher marvelled out loud that so many women got it wrong. For many women, this story will probably not shock you in any sort of way, because we were never encouraged to become friends with our anatomy. If you grew up in a school that promoted abstinence (like mine), then this experience was probably even more likely. Can you think of any positive stories about female sexuality shared by family, educators or in the media growing up? I can’t think of a single one. That is highly concerning.

Sex and the City Cheatsheet

For fun I’ve put each of the Sex and the City characters with each book to give you sense of what you might be drawn to. I miss that show.

  • Come as You Are: Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, & Samantha
  • Pussy: A Reclamation: Samantha
  • Three Women: Carrie (and Miranda combined) – I’ve thought about this haha!

Come As You Are – Emily Nagoski

If you want me to choose one book for you to read, start with this one. This should be required for any person coming into their sexuality.

“What it comes down to is that a lot of women trust their bodies less than they trust what they’ve been taught, culturally, about their bodies. But culture has taught you stuff that is both incorrect and just wrong.” Emily Nagoski (p. 164)

Emily is a sex-educator in the USA with a plethora of degrees and experience. This books is based on science and psychology. There is way too much in this book to give a summary that will do it justice, but here are a few nuggets. This book is not heteronormative and includes discussion about experiences for someone who is intersex. Her examples are inclusive of the LGTBQI community.

  • There is less range in the range (low to high) of sexual desire between men and women than there is within a gender.
  • We all have things that arouse us (our accelerator) and we all have things that turn us off (our brakes). We all have different combinations of both and often feel both the brakes and the accelerator at the same time.
  • Stress can be an accelerator for some individuals and a major brake for others. When we don’t know what our partner’s accelerator or brake is (or they don’t), or if we don’t know what our accelerator or brake is so that we can share it with our partner, problems happen between couples.
  • Emily spends a lot of time repeating that whatever your sexual temperament is, that you are NORMAL.
  • There are many written exercises and self-reflective questions that are provided to explore different problems. I saw that she also has a workbook.

Pussy: A Reclamation – Regena Thomashauer

This book is not going to be for everyone, first because you’ll probably have a reaction to the title that again will have you lean in to read more or lean away because of your judgment about the word pussy. The author too started her journey cringing at the word pussy and over decades Regena decided to reclaim this word. She fully embodies a woman who owns and takes pleasure in her sexuality. She was tired of the patriarchal world-view of sexuality in which someone who has “balls” is someone who has courage and someone who is a “pussy” is a wimp. She takes the word pussy and reclaims it in a powerful and provactive way. She is highly regarded by such feminists as Christine Northrup, Eve Ensler, Kris Carr, & Gabrielle Bernstein, and it’s easy to see why.

I felt nauseous after reading the first half of this book because her reclamation spoke to me as truth and how polar opposite it is to the current patriarchal worldview and my experience growing up. Like the book Come as You Are, this book encourages women to get to know their anatomy, explore their desire and own their sexuality. Regena gives many ideas for women to start relaiming their sexuality at the pace that is right for you.

Three Women – Lisa Taddeo

This non-fiction book is one of those rare books that gives you a glimpse into the lives of female sexuality of three different American women. All are heteronormative relationships. One is the experience of a woman who was seduced by a highschool teacher when she was a teenager and all the different emotions she felt during and after she brought him to court and he was found to be not guilty. Another is the experience of a conservative woman in a relationship with a man who does not want to be with her sexually. She reconnects with a married man who she dated in highschool. The third is a woman who is in an open-relationship and enjoys sex on a daily basis. She is empowered in some ways, but in many ways it is a big challenge for her to own her actions and be with the judgment she experiences from herself and others.

It is saddening, but not surprising that none of the women are sexually empowered in this book. All of the women have the context of living in a patriarchal society and experience the invalidation that occurs to women by both the men and women in their lives.

It would’ve been great to have a one of the women be in a relationship that wasn’t heteronormative or if the author could’ve written about a female who was empowered in her sexuality like Regena Thomashauer (author of Pussy: A Reclamation). Maybe Lisa Taddeo could write a sequal?

Summary

All of these books gave me food for thought about my own sexuality, validation for my experience living in a patriarchal culture, and gratefulness for those times when I feel like I’ve embodied my sexuality. Three Women is a great overview of what it is often like to be a woman in a patriarchal culture. Come As You Are will encourage you to change that world-view with concrete suggestions and 21st century information about female sexuality. Pussy: A Reclamation is the frontier of what is possible for a woman to experience when she reclaims her sexuality and power. Have you read any of these books? Or what book will you start with?