Juanita Lepage MSW, RSW, BHP

Counselling & Energy Healing (289) 812-8089 Hamilton, Ontario

Spirituality

Reflections On Mercy

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I’d be lying if I said I gave much thought to the concept of Mercy. This Christmas I was given the beautiful book – Hallelujah Anyway: Rediscovering Mercy by Anne Lamott.

Maybe you’re well acquainted with mercy, but in case you aren’t, mercy can be seen as offering forgiveness and unconditional love when our brain lists the many valid reasons not to.

Anne Lamott reflects on mercy with wit, honesty and humour. She’s a beautifully irreverent Christian who gives examples in her own life where she’s struggled to offer mercy. She also shares parts of the Bible that speak to mercy. Note: She is LGTBQI++ friendly Christian, hooray!

Here are a few reflections on the concept of mercy.

Mercy Cannot Be Forced

Forgiveness to someone who has hurt you or forgiveness to yourself is not something you can force yourself to do using will power. It’s a moment of grace where you make a shift and you might not even be sure why. It’s imagining that you are opening the internal doors of yourself to even a little bit of light.

Mercy To One Self Is Just As Important As Mercy Given To Others

Many people are excellent at giving mercy to others, but can’t extend that same gift to themselves. This is something I’ve certainly struggled with: holding on to those times that I did something kind of mean or in ignorance and at the same time easily forgiving someone else who would’ve done the same thing.

A great question to ask yourself is: Who do I forgive most easily in my life – myself, others or no one?

What is your first reaction to the thought of extending mercy to yourself or others?

I remember reading how the spiritual leader Ram Dass always put a picture on his altar of the individuals he was struggling to extend mercy towards. Who would be on your altar?

Mercy Is Not The Same As Not Setting Boundaries

Giving mercy is not martyrdom. If you’re giving mercy to everyone else and not yourself, that’s a big imbalance. If you have someone in your life who doesn’t take any accountability for their actions, it’s important to set a boundary. This can be a courageous place to show mercy to yourself for your struggle to set a boundary. It’s never too late to treat yourself with the same kindness and mercy you extend to others.

Starting With Intention

I haven’t forgiven all those that have wronged me. I’d love to blame the other and hold onto self-righteousness sometimes. Like Anne Lamott, some circumstances are either too fresh or I just don’t want to.

Anne would suggest using prayer. Ram Dass would suggest putting a photo of that person/those people on your altar. Another way is to start by asking:

Who am I struggling with right now? How can I open myself (even a little bit) to extend mercy here?

“What would it be like to forgive myself/other person? What might it’s impact be on my life?

Or: “I’d like to forgive __, maybe not today, but sooner, rather than later. I don’t know how that’s going to be possible, but I’m going to put it out there.”

All of these options open your world to the possibility of grace happening to allow mercy into your life. It’s the arrival of true compassion where none existed before.

“I’m not sure I even recognize the ever-presence of mercy anymore, the divine and the human: the messy, crippled, transforming, heartbreaking, lovely, devastating presence of mercy. But I have come to believe that I am starving to death for it, and my world is, too.” – Anne Lamott

I Don’t Know, I Don’t Know, I Don’t Know

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One thing that really stuck with me from my time at the Barbara Brennan School of Healing was when one week we had the theme, “I don’t know”. We spent time leaning into how much we truly don’t “know” about life and this world and all of it’s mysteries.

As a therapist and energy healer, there is this weird conundrum of knowing and not knowing when I’m with a client. I know generally what I can do to help a person, but I have to leave a lot of space open to the unknown too. Sometimes changes can happen rapidly for a person and with great ease. Other times healing takes time and this can be incredibly frustrating. Sometimes there are tools to help with managing some things, yet most of the time it’s most beneficial to give space to feel the discomfort of being in the unknown and then clarity arises and shifts happen.

One of the big things that living with COVID and the changing rules is that there is an incredible amount of unknown. In the span of 4 days as a parent I shifted from, “my kids are going to school in person” to “my kids are going to school online”. I felt incredibly frustrated with the change. I wish I felt like Lisa Kudrow (below) about this, but I didn’t.

The Tool Three Things (AKA being in the present moment)

One practical tool that helps me, is consciously shifting to the here and now. I was lying beside my son in his bed as we chatted about the upcoming announcement from the government and I could feel all my anxiety. Being that close to bed time I knew I didn’t want to sit with it so I started naming out loud where I was and what I saw around me.

So many spiritual leaders talk about the present moment being the only one that we have and to embrace it. In some therapeutic approaches, this technique is called “Three Things” – you take time to name 3 things you see, hear, and feel on your body and then 2 things and then 1 thing in each category. I find it interesting to note that while I am shifting to “the present moment”, I question if that’s really true. I think perhaps I am shifting from having one part of myself dominate my reality to other parts that are more peaceful. Often in the spiritual world we forget that the anxious part of ourselves is real too and needs attention at some point or it will let itself be known quite loudly.

Sitting With Discomfort (AKA – sitting with “I don’t know”)

At a different time of day, I might have intentionally sat with anxiety and saw it as one part of myself and not all of myself. I can notice what it feels like in my body and what other emotions arise. Often, being present with it in a conscious and safe way helps it release. Often with anxiety, one of the most helpful ways to reduce its intensity is to become more comfortable sitting with the discomfort that arises in a safe way. In other words, it’s becoming more comfortable with “I don’t know” and the emotions that arise from this notion and leaning into it.

If you’re a person who enjoys adventure, it can be like travelling to a new place knowing you have some resources at your finger tips to provide some safety and at the same time being with the variety of unknown factors such as language, culture, or moving around a new city. Every traveller I know has a story of plans that didn’t go as planned.

When I was growing up, my parents enjoyed travelling to a destination with a general plan, but nothing booked. Most of the time we found a place to sleep and sometimes we slept in the car or on the side of the road. I felt comfortable with the unknown because I felt safe with them there. The “I don’t know” was sometimes uncomfortable and stressful and at other times provided us with new experiences we never would’ve imagined.

What ways have you found helpful to sit with “I don’t know”? Do you find that some places it easier to embrace in some areas of your life than others?

Intentional Gratitude: Helpful Or Over-Rated?

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I’ve had a touch and go relationship with gratitude over the years. Growing up in a Christian community, we practised gratitude mostly through prayer and giving to those who needed money or connection. As I’ve shifted to becoming less religious and more spiritual, the messages I get are often about the importance of having an energetic vibration akin to joy and peace.

I love how gratitude can translate to noticing the bright moments even on those days that seem challenging. I love how gratitude can translate to generosity of spirit.

My struggle with gratitude is when it’s used as a mask or method to deny or minimize pain. I often hear from people, “My life is good – I have so many great things going on in my life – (insert: money, home, health, family etc) and I still feel horrible”.

If you’re a person who minimizes your pain, my challenge today is for you to really look at why having food, clothing, home etc means that you shouldn’t feel pain.

So often gratitude is used to minimize the pain of ourselves or others – “at least you’ve got (insert blank)”, “everything happens for a reason” or “others have it worse than I do, so I shouldn’t complain”.

When you minimize your pain, notice what happens in your body. For me, I can physically start to feel tense inside the core of my body. Scan your body and notice where you hold your tension or pain. Emotionally I can shift to numbness (chakras closing) and sometimes I will disconnect from my body all together. You may notice similar things or you may notice your emotions such as anxiety & anger intensify.

What if you acknowledged both your privilege and your pain?

“I’m really hurting right now”. “I feel incredibly sad and overwhelmed”. “What I’m going through is challenging in so many ways – it makes a lot of sense that I feel what I’m feeling”.

We often find it easier to do this when we have an obvious trauma that happens, for example the loss of family member or dear friend. We’d never say – “Sorry about the loss of your parent, but at least you have a nice house”.

This can be more challenging when it’s difficult to put your finger on exactly what is bothering you right now. Maybe it’s stress, maybe it’s overwhelm and you’re judging yourself because other people don’t seem to be overwhelmed by the same things you are. Many times it’s a subconscious pattern of disregarding our own needs or even acknowledging our own needs leaving us with a feeling of anxiety or anger. Sometimes emotional pain exhibits as physical/somatic pain in your body.

If you don’t know why you’re feeling what you’re feeling, I encourage you to try and simply it acknowledge it without rationalizing it. “I’m feeling like crap today, and I don’t know why”. Imagine giving this place a little room to breathe for 5 minutes or more.

My experience with myself and in helping others, is that allowing space for pain allows it to expand and then release. Allowing pain doesn’t have to deny the capacity for gratitude.

Sometimes there are fears that arise around feeling pain – “What if it overwhelms me? What if it takes over and I never feel joy?” With psychotherapy we can explore what your fears are about feeling your pain and take a path that allows you to experience your pain at a pace that’s respectful to you. Energy healing too can help a person ground and reconnect with one’s body and emotions.

So What About Gratitude?

Gratitude has its place in all of this, and my encouragement is to see if you can BOTH acknowledge those areas of gratitude and also those areas of pain and shift away from an either/or attitude.

I’ve found that starting my day with 3 things I’m grateful for can be a beautiful way to shift my energy to be more connected with the present. Or even the intention of doing one thing that I enjoy today and being specific about it – play a game on my phone, go for a walk, eat something delicious, read a chapter of good book. Genuine gratitude feels really good. It has also helped me look beyond myself and give to others – whether that be a family member or friend or a charity.

I’ve found that seeing a therapist has been a great way for me to acknowledge my pain. I grew up learning to be at adept at disregarding my own needs and it took me a good while to really acknowledge and be present with my own pain. As I practice intentionally allowing my pain & struggles, I’ve found more peace and connection with myself & others. When I allow my pain, it often passes a lot more quickly than I had anticipated.

What are your rituals to feel your gratitude, and how do you give yourself space to feel your pain?

The Art of Letting Shit Go

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I’ve been rereading Michael Singer’s book, The Untethered Soul. I love the simplicity and clarity of this book and I’ve also been frustrated with the simplicity too. After his recommended step of opening one’s heart chakra no matter the circumstance, he then writes about “letting stuff go”.

I have struggled with this recommendation for years. God, wouldn’t you just love to let shit go? Set your intention to “let go” and voila! When I hear this phrase I think of someone coming over and just turning a switch off on me. “Here Juanita, You’ll never have to feel that emotional about that situation again, I found the let go switch!”. Well, wouldn’t that be nice? It’s never been that easy for me and I’m guessing it hasn’t for you either.

Through conversations with others I found that “letting go” actually means being fully present with whatever emotions are present and even embracing them. When I’m fully present with uncomfortable emotions, the intensity of them lessens and then I get closer to that feeling of letting something go.

For some triggers in my life, I find it impossible to fully let it go, because these reactions were learned early in childhood. And just when I think I have let it go, a situation arises and I realize that there’s another layer of emotion that needs my presence.

In the meditation world, this presence is often given to oneself by cultivating the witness/observer part of your Self as you feel an emotion and want to react to it. Meditation can teach us to watch ourselves instead of react. Sometimes we can see an emotion rise and fall if we sit with it long enough and our minds don’t take over.

In the counselling world, there are many psychotherapeutic techniques that can help a person cultivate the wise self watching all the emotions and other parts of themselves engage with the world. But perhaps the most helpful things psychotherapy can offer is the act of presence with another as they feel their uncomfortable emotions. It can be very powerful to have another person anchoring & present as feel the depths of our pains & struggles.

I’ve often found that the only way I can be present with certain uncomfortable emotions is with my own therapist. I’ve paid that person to be with me for an hour and while I could end the session early, I won’t because I’ve paid and that often helps me commit to the act of fully being present with my emotions and even embracing them. This process is closest one I’ve found to actually letting shit go.

With energy healing, presence is also a valuable gift to give to others and to ourselves - fully being present as a chakra opens or shifts. Energy healing also offers techniques to help clear the blockages in our chakras which lessens the emotional intensity. Often an integrated session of both psychotherapy & energy healing can help you integrate and process things with more ease.

What things have you found to be helpful or unhelpful as you try and let go of things?

The Art Of Opening The Heart Chakra

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I’ve been rereading Michael Singer’s book, The Untethered Soul. I remember reading it for the first time five years ago and was in awe of Michael’s ability to capture a process towards inner peace & freedom with such clarity and simplicity. Reading this book felt like being bathed in something so pure.

On the surface, Michael is writing about the art of meditation as a way to find freedom from our pains & struggles . He names one of the key pieces of meditative work is to open one’s heart. Many times he encourages his readers to “just keep opening and not closing [their heart]”. I remember when reading this book the first time, I was frustrated at Michael’s message of “simply open up your heart”. It has never been that easy in my experience to open my heart, especially when I’ve spent a lifetime finding reasons to keep it closed in certain situations and often for very good reason.

If you too have struggled to simply open your heart in times you really want to close it, you are not alone. Meditation is one path to cultivate awareness of when you open and close your heart, and fortunately there are others.

The essence of psychotherapy is often also to help us open our hearts. With psychotherapy I often help people to feel their emotional pain and create a new relationship with it. People engage with counselling often because opening one’s heart chakra and being present with what emerges is often met with many of our own internal resistances – the sudden urgency to do laundry, or watch Netflix, smoke a cigarette, or really do anything but feel. Then shame & self-judgment at our distraction emerges and adds another layer of protection from feeling the deeper pain.

With energy healing, attunement & techniques are used to balance and clear chakras. Sometimes the focus is on the heart and sometimes not. If you watched my Energy Healing at Home Series, the chakra series shows you a gentle way to open your chakras simply by offering your presence to each one. Today, my invitation to you is to start with awareness. Any time you notice yourself distracting yourself or pushing away or shutting emotions down, pause for a moment and notice your urge in that moment when that uncomfortable emotion arises. Often it’s anxiety, shame, sadness or anger. Notice what you do when you start to feel those emotions, even if you realize it 24 hours later. See if you can both notice the part of you that feels the pain and the other part that doesn’t want to feel it. Overwhelmed? Talk-therapy is a great way to do this in a supportive way.

Experiment with your process of being present with your uncomfortable emotions. Notice all the different parts of you that get activated when you try and sit with them in a non-judgmental way. What method do you prefer to open your heart chakra- energy healing, meditation or psychotherapy?

As always, if there’s anything else you’re curious to learn about in the energy healing world and/or how it combines with the psychological, send me a note 🙂

Spiritual Resources During This Pandemic

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For those of you craving a few ways to explore your spiritual side during this pandemic, today is your lucky day. Whether you label yourself as more spiritual or religious or somewhere on the edges or inbetween, here are a few ideas to explore spirituality more deeply during this pandemic. What’s your go-to spiritual resource during this time?

1. Ram Dass

Using your current situation as your spiritual path

My husband recently shared a great talk about Dharma with me (see link below). In essence, one way to understand Dharma, is that we can use whatever situation we’re in as our spiritual path. Ram Dass is most famous for being a Harvard professor (formerly Richard Alpert) connected to Timothy Leary. After experimenting with psychedelics, researching their possible contribution to expanding one’s spiritual path, and then later getting kicked out of Harvard, he found himself fully immersed on a spiritual path after he met is guru in India. If you’ve ever listened to Ram Dass you know he is a pleasure to listen to and a naturally gifted teacher with a sense of humour.

Ram Dass’ talk – Becoming One with our Dharma

Dharma

2. The Hathors (with Tom Kenyon)

A macro lens on the pandemic with ways to soften resistance to change and fear during this time.

Tom Kenyon is an American psychologist who has studied the healing qualities of sound. He also connects to spiritual figures and beings from different dimensions. One group of interdimensional beings he has connected to over the past few decades are the Hathors. For over a decade the Hathors have shared spiritual resources for turbelent times with meditations and articles (shared via Tom Kenyon). Take a read of this interesting article on chaotic nodes, and their resources for ways to soften resistance to change and fear during this time. Chaotic nodes are times on the planet when there are multiple chaotic events happening at once.

3. Religion

Grounding, connection to others and something larger than yourself (God)

If you’re religious, I’m probably “speaking to the choir”, as you know how religion can be something to help find grounding, peace, and wisdom during this time. I grew up in a Christian community, and while I don’t practice it anymore, I’ve found that a few ways in which religion can help are: 1) Being in a church community supported by others during this time 2) Reading the Bible or other spiritual texts and either doing self-reflection or connecting with others 3) Prayer in times of struggle or gratitude.

4. Nature

Connection to animals, plants, stars, and the earth.

It’s more challenging right now for most of us to spend time in nature. The pleasure of sun on our face, the grass between our fingers, the sounds of birds and animals in the night, the stars gazing down on us, our pets, the sounds of waves or wind.. the options are endless.

It’s springtime where I live, and we’re allowed to go for walks. I enjoy noticing the leaves and flowers start to show themselves slowly each day. I enjoy seeing the stars from the warmth of inside. I enjoy being with my cats and dog.

How do you connect to your spirituality during this time?