Juanita Lepage MSW, RSW, BHP

Counselling & Energy Healing

Spirituality

2 Songs To Bring Light To Your Day

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As Madonna sang, “Music, makes the people come together”…

My experience at the Barbara Brennan School of Healing(BBSH) helped me rediscover my love for dance.  I haven’t taken any dance classes, but I still like to move.  During my university years I enjoyed dancing with my friends at a club or bar.  At BBSH, during each school week we had a morning dance class and one evening where we danced at the end of the week.  No alcohol, no substance use – just dancing.

The morning dance class was similar to ecstatic dance. Ecstatic dance is pretty much dancing in whatever way the music inspires you to move.  I’ve been missing that dance class, so i’ve reached out locally to start a similar group one morning a month. Once it’s official, I share more about the details.  While creating some playlists, I came across 2 songs that I wanted to share with you to add some light to your day.  These delicate, heart-felt songs embody the element of air.  I couldn’t help but feel a little more lightness to my step after listening to them.

Song 1: Can’t Help Falling Love by Kinna Grannis

Have you seen Crazy Rich Asians?  If you have you may have been just as haunted as I was by Kina Grannis’ cover of Can’t Help Falling In Love

Song 2:  Girl by SYML

Thank you Spotify for leading me to this song.

Hope you find some space to dance today.  Until next time.

Juanita

Polyamory Explored In 3 Books And 2 TV Shows

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I remember years ago my husband told me about a well-known author who had come out as polyamorous.  If you’re new to the term polyamory, one definition from trusty Google is: the philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time.  This is a broad definition and can encompass many variations of relationships.

The author was married at the time, but wanted to open up his marriage because “he had so much love to give”.  I remember rolling my eyes and saying that he just wanted to have sex with someone outside his marriage. Indeed months later their marriage did dissolve.

That being said, the dissolution of a marriage is not the same result for every monogamous couple that ventures into polyamory.  Over my career as a therapist i’ve seen people in a variety of styles of marriage and relationships. Like a monogamous marriage, sometimes polyamory works for a couple and sometimes it doesn’t work for them in the long run.

If you talk to any psychotherapist, you’re likely to hear that conversations about polyamory are on the rise with their clients.  Indeed, well-known author and couples therapist Esther Perel documents this change in her experience over the past 20 years in her book State of Affairs.  I’d guess that you’re more likely to come across the term polyamory in television and books than you would 10 years ago, even if you’re not seeking it out.

Many couples know that they are not interested in polyamory or open marriages.  Some individuals know early in their lives that polyamory is the only route for them and marriage may or may not be something they’re seeking.  Then there are monogamous couples who decide to explore new territory for a variety of reasons.

If you’re an avid reader or watch Netflix, you’ve likely come across this topic in one form or another without looking too hard. Here are 3 books and 2 TV shows that i’ve come across and enjoyed.

Television

You, Me, Her (2016)

A polyamorous comedy that is available on Netflix in some countries.  This series explores the life of a suburban married couple who contemplate (inadvertently) adding a third to their relationship and the reactions of those around them.  I enjoyed the first season the most.

She’s Gotta Have It (2017)

Part comedy, part drama, this series by Spike Lee explores the life or Nola Darling in her twenties.  She identifies as a polyamorous pansexual, and this series follows her as she has consciously chooses to go after what she wants in her life with all sorts of learnings and complications.  Nola is bold, daring, and willing to live her life authentically no matter how much drama surfaces because of it.

Books:

Non-fiction:  The State of Affairs – Rethinking Infidelity (2017)

Esther Perel is big deal in the therapy world and she’s written a number of best-sellers.  There is a chapter near the end of this book that explores polyamory in depth.  She explores the rise of polyamory, corrects the misconception that open marriages mitigate affairs, and gives considerations for any couple considering polyamory.

A Memoir: The Art of Vanishing – A Memoir of Wanderlust (2018)

This memoir follows the journey of Laura Smith as she explores the notion of marriage and freedom. She writes candidly about her experience of opening up her marriage and the positive and negative ramifications with her husband, her peer group, and her relationship with herself.

Novel: All Inclusive (2015)

Farzana Doctor’s novel stars Ameera, a woman in her twenties who works at an all-inclusive.  Ameera is interested in sleeping with couples and someone has been spreading rumours about her behavior at the resort.  This is the lightest book of the group.  This book never uses the term polyamory, but explores one potential lived definition of it.

I’ll leave you with two quotes from Esther Perel’s book, The State of Affairs

“It does not follow that consensual nonmonagamy is a safeguard against betrayal, jealousy or heartbreak.  You may think affairs don’t happen in open relationships, but they do” pg. 257 

“Inequality, gender, power, & a solid foundation are all considerations that need to be addressed before branching how to open a relationship” p. 274

Summertime Reading: Books For Pleasure & Reflection

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This summer I’ve been reading like I’ve never read before. I pick up a book and I devour it.  Next.  My kids are at the age where they like to read too, which gives me more opportunities to read as well.

I have generally been a reader in my life, althought certainly the amount and style has ebbed and flowed over time.  When I lived in France, the library and the English book store were two of my favourite places.  When you’re immersed in a foreign language, being surrounded by books in your native language is a pleasure. I loved going to the library in town and perusing the compact English section.  Now I often get my books from my local library in Canada.  I like to own non-fiction and hold onto some fiction if I think i’ll read it again. I prefer the physical presence of a book in my hands versus a digital copy if I can get the actual book.

Julia Cameron, author of The Artist’s Way, challenges readers to spend a week without reading anything.  She writes that most people find this one of the most challenging weeks of her 12 week course and greatly resist it.  One of the points of the exercise is to notice how we are using reading in our lives and see if it’s for growth and pleasure or procrastination.  If our jobs are creative, we can use reading as a distraction from focusing on what we need to.  Notice I haven’t been blogging for over a month?  I’ve been reading. Last summer I tried a  week without reading or using screens, and I completed a lot of projects.

Reading can be an escape for me from doing things I “should” be doing, and it can also be a pleasure in my free-time to spend time with a good book.  I like that time goes more slowly when I’m reading than when I’m watching television.

For the most part I’ve been reading Fiction this summer.  Sarah J. Maas’ Throne of Glass series, Karen Marie Moning’s Fever series, and Jacqueline Winspear’s Maisie Dobbs series have occupied much of my summertime reading.  Intermittently I have added some non-fiction which I’ve included in the mix of 4 books to share with you.

The Books

Karen Marie Moning’s Feversong (Book 8 in the series)

Michael Pollan’s How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence

Maria Shriver’s I’ve Been Thinking… Reflections, Prayers, and Meditations for a Meaningful Life

Alice Miller’s The Drama of the Gifted Child

1. The Guilty Pleasure

I recently had a conversation with a friend about books you read but you don’t really talk about it with everyone.  You know what I’m talking about – that harlequin romance, that young adult series, or Fifty Shades of Grey.  But then in passing you mention said series, and you realize that many people are reading these books too.

A friend of mine introduced me to the Fever series by Karen Marie Moning.  This is one of those series that you are likely to both love and hate.  I have rolled my eyes, I have judged the characters (and myself for reading the series), and the pages of rehashing past events, yet I have kept reading the series.  The chemistry between the main characters is certainly a draw and the fantasy element of Fae and humans interacting and trying to save their respective worlds. These books are easy reading. Perfect for summer-time.

2. Up and Coming – Psychedelics & Psychotherapy

Michael Pollan is the perfect author to write about this heated topic. A skeptical New Yorker-style writer explores the history of psychedelics and it’s resurgence with clarity, groundedness, and evidence.  His vocabulary is much broader than my own.

There is a resurgence happening in the world of psychotherapy of integrating the use of psychedelics in treating addiction, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, terminal illnesses, and more.  LSD, psilocybin, MDMA (ecstasy), and ayahuasa are the main ones that I’ve heard and read about.  I’ve noticed more and more credible researchers starting to speak about this topic in 2018.  In fact Michael Pollan writes that there has been more research on psychedelics in the past 15 years than there was in the 60s.  Wow.  He is so intrigued by his own research that he decides to experiment with psychedelics himself in a guided environment.

If you’re curious to learn more but don’t feel like reading, I recommend two podcasts.

Consider:

Tim Ferriss – Michael Pollan: Exploring The New Science Of Psychedelics

Tim Ferriss – Gabor Maté: New Paradigms, Ayahuasca, & Redefining Addiction

3. Spirituality – Maria Shriver

I was listening to Krista Tippett interview Maria Shriver  and was impressed with Maria’s combination of fire and compassion.  She talks about finding her authentic voice in her 60s after decades of supporting those around her.  Her book of Prayers, Meditations, and Reflections are a great way to start or end your day.  Each reflection includes a story, a quote, and a small prayer.  They are each a few pages.  You can start at the beginning or randomly choose one.  She is a Catholic woman who is reconnecting with her faith.  This book isn’t specifically Catholic and can be read by anyone with spiritual interests.

4. Healing Old Wounds

Sometimes you find a book that is like a therapy session. Alice Miller’s book The Drama of the Gifted Child is exactly that.  The original title of this book was “Prisoner’s of Childhood” which is a better fit than the current title. This book matches my psychotherapeutic approach as it relates current problems to patterns developed in childhood.  Patterns often develop innocently in a way that serves our larger needs.  Over time this pattern becomes problematic in areas of our lives, and we’re often oblivious as to why we’re facing the same problem over and over in our life.

This book is especially humbling if you’re a psychotherapist yourself.  The author talks about the similarities in childhoods of psychotherapists (gulp).  The importance of choosing a psychotherapist who is doing her own work cannot be minimized.

What has made it onto your booklist this summer?

Happy #LGTBQI Pride Month

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Do you ever have those times when there are themes in your life? Sometimes it’s the problems that people close to you are dealing with in their lives.  Sometimes, it’s in the small things like seeing signs for pie everywhere you go and finally deciding to buy a piece.  Other times it’s in themes of movies or books that you read.  It’s LGTBQI Pride Month in Canada.  So perhaps it’s not too surprising that this is the theme that I’ve found in the latest shows and movies I’ve watched.

I love watching comedians and recently watched Hannah Gadsby’s Nanette. Wow.  She starts off with comedy and then shifts into getting very real with her audience. She shares how she can no longer make self-deprecating jokes about herself and gives the audience a glimpse of what happened in her life after the punch-line.  Hannah is a lesbian who grew up in Tasmania in a Bible belt. She talks about growing up hating herself and how she’s been trying to change this.  She also doesn’t identify as flamboyantly gay, joking that the pride flag has a “bit too much colour for her taste”.

I also recently finished watching Battle of the Sexes with Emma Stone and Steve Carrell.  This is based on the story of tennis champion Billie Jean King (Emma Stone) in the 1973 “Battle of the Sexes” tennis tournament with Bobby Riggs (Steve Carrell).  The movie is also the coming out story for Billie Jean King.  In 1971, while married, she realized that she was bisexual.  It took over a decade to come out to her family and the public. She now lives with her partner Ilana.

I was reflecting in my own life, that I haven’t heard an easy story from anyone who has come out as gay.  In many ways this isn’t surprising in our society, but that realization made me reflect on how difficult it really has been for friends and clients.  So, if you identify as Lesbian, Gay, Trans, Bi, Queer, Intersex or are currently finding your own definition of gender and sexuality, I want to honour you for your journey of coming out and interacting in a world that still holds a lot of judgment and stigma.  I have great love and respect for your courage, and I’m grateful that you’re showing up in the world as who you are in heart and soul.  I also honour those who are contemplating coming out to family and/or friends.

I also want to honour those who no longer believe that homosexuality is a sin even though they were brought up in communities that believed otherwise. For some people this is known very early in life, for others like me it took a couple of decades, and for others it will take longer.  A reflective movie on the topic of sexuality and Christianity is Give Me Sex Jesus (I kind of cringed at the title, but a very interesting watch). This documentary reflects on the subjects of sexuality as a broader topic, sex before marriage and also those who are LGBTQI and want to be Christians.

Attachment & Authenticity

Gabor Maté has said that as children we all want to have connection and to be loved for who we are at heart.  Attachment and Authenticity.  However, the need for connection is greater than the need for authenticity, so we will often hide or try to change who we are to be accepted by others.  This rings true for all of humanity, and I can only imagine what it has been like for my LGTBQI peers, especially those who grew up in religious communities that told them that their authentic selves were wrong.

Now, for #Pride Month (and every month hereafter), I raise my glass of wine to you, your journey, and gratitude for you in my life.  Happy Pride Month.