One of the big books of 2025 has been Let Them by motivational coach Mel Robbins. I’ll admit, at first glance I judged it for being a bit gimicky and wasn’t sure whether I’d read the book. My local library determined that I should consider reading this book, when it was available in the Express Read Section, which is a luck of the draw popular books they put out to the public that can’t be reserved.
Well, I’ll take back my judging this book by it’s cover. It’s a great read.
Let Them AND Let Me
One of the things I liked most about this book, is that in one of the first chapters Mel highlights that her Let Them theory works combined with a “Let Me” factor in the equation.
When I first read & heard the phrase – Let Them – I could imagine hearing this phrase said in many different tones. I could imagine it in the tone of “Fuck them” and I could imagine it in a softer release of “Let Them do what they are going to do”.
Mel highlights that using the Let Them theory should result in better quality relationships with the important people in your life. She writes that if you find yourself alone with no one around you, that you might not be using it right.
She is using the phrase with the softer release of “Let them doing what they are going to do”. She then pivots and asks the reader to consider their role in the situation and own it.
As a therapist I could see this work so well in 2 situations:
- Situations where we know we need to release control over the actions or words of another person – our kids, spouses, co-workers, friends etc.
- We need to LET THEM do what they are going to do. We need to LET ME feel and manage the discomfort of seeing it unfold and the other person having to deal with the natural consequences. If you are the fixer or peace-maker in your family or life – the one that keeps everything running smoothly – this one is for you.
- Situations when a person needs to set a boundary with a person who will make life challenging for them in return.
- We have to set the boundary and LET THEM have the tantrum about it. We need to “LET ME” manage the discomfort and deal with the consequences of the other person’s tantrum. If you are dealing with a person who isn’t willing to problem-solve situations this one is for you.
As you can imagine there are A LOT of gray areas within both of these contexts. And sometimes – WE are the ones relying on others to fix things or WE are the one’s unwilling to problem-solve. Unfortunately, we are often bad at noticing our blind spots. I’ll get to that a little later.
Let Them Theory is CBT
What I love about this book is that it is essentially Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) but explained so much better than any CBT text-book.
Mel Robbins gets the reader to consider their thoughts and behaviours and gives many suggestions and examples about how to do so.
If you’re into Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) or love meditation expert Tara Brach, Let Them theory is the concept of Radical Acceptance.
It’s accepting that when you drive in traffic – you will have to accept the frustrations that can bring. To all the drivers around you: “Let Them drive how they are going to drive” and “Let Me take a few breaths because I’m a driver who chooses to drive with others”. We can change our thoughts about the situation or change our behaviour (don’t drive).
When you don’t get a raise at work even though you’ve done everything right – you have to accept that your workplace isn’t going to give you what you want. It then invites us to “Let Me” decide what I do next – what types of of thoughts or actions we want to take. In impossible workplaces, “Let Them do what they are going to do” and “Let Me consider whether I want to stay in this workplace and manage the inequality (because of many valid reasons – pay etc) and find ways to change my thoughts or whether I want to find a different opportunity (change my behaviour).
Let Them Theory with Relationships
This book shines for anyone in romantic relationships – dating or long-term. Mel spends ample time diving into many examples
- When do I stay?
- When do I leave?
- What are my patterns in relationships?
- What are the qualities I seek in a long-term relationship?
- How can I accept qualities I don’t like in another person?
- What are my challenging qualities in a relationship?
My Situation isn’t so Black & White – Now What?
I appreciate that the author encourages people to consider psychotherapy when they are stuck. Because anyone reading this book will find a situation in their life which won’t be mapped onto the theory with ease.
3 Ways Therapy can help:
- When you know what you should think or do in a situation – but you’re STUCK.
- Classic example: I know I shouldn’t care what other people think about me, but I do. You’re not alone – there’s a deeper pattern at play here. Therapy can help you sort it out and find ways to shift the pattern.
- When you’re stuck about what to “Let Them” do and what to “Let Me” do/feel
- Do I set a boundary and Let Them do/feel whatever they happen to do/feel or Do I Let Me try and problem-solve with the person or Do I Let Them do whatever they’re doing and not get involved? Ugh – my brain hurts now. If it’s starting to feel like Let Them Let Me Jenga – therapy can help untangle that rats nest.
- When you don’t know your own blind spots – (AKA I’m the Problem It’s Me)
- Spoiler alert: We all have blind spots that we’re likely to never uncover unless we’re open to learning about them. Sometimes if we’re lucky, we’ll start to catch cues about what they are. But for most of us we benefit from a helping hand. When I was at Barbara Brennan School of Healing I was lucky when a teacher pointed out a flagrant blind spot I had after 4 years of introspective work. It seemed so obvious afterwards, but I didn’t see it. Therapy can help us compassionately explore our blind spots.
Balancing Coaching & Therapy
A stellar psycho-therapist Frank Anderson recently wrote:
“Therapy says “go back.” Coaching says “move forward.” What if healing needs both? Some people get stuck in the past, endlessly revisiting childhood wounds. Others skip over it entirely, trying to manifest their way into the future. But trauma healing isn’t binary. It’s not either/or. It’s both/and. We do need to understand the origin. But we also need to build toward a future that isn’t ruled by it.”
The Let Them theory offers readers the incentive & resources to move forward. Counselling will help a person rebuild a foundation and change old patterns so that it’s easier to use the tools that Let Them theory provides to move forward.
