Juanita Lepage MSW, RSW, BHP

Counselling & Energy Healing (289) 812-8089 Hamilton, Ontario

conflict resolution

A Call to Listen: Controversial Conversations With Family and Friends

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It’s that time again to re-post about this important topic as the heat rises in family and group dynamics about COVID and vaccines. I’ve had my own share of diversity in opinions in my own extended family and rifts have been created and some boundaries have ebbed and shifted.

First: What decision did you make about vaccines ( please don’t tell me, just answer this question to yourself)

Second: Are you the majority or minority in your family or community who made this decision?

If you’re in the majority in either of these groups, take some time to listen to the other side.  There are some families where most people chose to vaccinate and they ostracize the one who didn’t. There are other families who choose not to vaccinate and and they ostracize the one who did.  Then there are gradients of opinions within each side – with varying opinions about what are the best vaccines, vaccinating kids, mandatory vaccinating and on and on.

Civil Conversations

Sometimes it feels like the safest thing to do is to find that group of people who share our views and stay in the safety of that bubble.

We can choose to do that to some degree, but if you want to spend time with friends & family who might not see the world from your perspective, that can make it much more challenging.

Common Strategies

  • Avoid all conflictual topics

Try to pass family and friend events without touching on hot topics.  Sometimes this is the easiest and best option – no judgment! I probably use this one more often than I’d like to.

  • Avoid all friends and family that disagree with your viewpoint
  • Try to convince everyone of your viewpoint

Isn’t this the one you wish would work? I certainly do.  Often, we think that reason and logic are needed for persuasion.  Unfortunately, this is unlikely to work with hot topics.  Incredibly, research has shown that you can’t use reason alone with issues around morality (listen to the Jonathan Haidt podcast listed below to learn more). If you’re a family who loves a good argument or debate – carry on. But be curious if this is true for all parties involved and whether this debate brings you closer or further apart.

  • Discuss conflictual topics with those you love in a less argumentative way

This is by far the most challenging option, but if you want to do this, find some courage, and read on.

  1. Self-Reflection First

If you’ve read a few of my posts, you might see this as a theme.  Whenever conflict arises, this is where we go first.

What are your sensitive areas? Where do your emotions get heated up?  What are your assumptions and biases about the “other side?” What is something you don’t “get” about the other side?

Next – Why do you want to connect more with your family, friends, or others?  How do your personal values give you reason to connect with people who have different opinions?  Is it to have more peace in a relationship, community, country, or world? If you don’t want to connect with people who think differently, why don’t you?

Example

Here is an example of applying this to politics.

I found it incredibly helpful to listen to the interview, “The Psychology of Self-Righteousness” with Social Psychologist Jonathan Haidt and Krista Tippett.  Jonathan Haidt explores reasons to be compassionate and potentially even grateful for those liberal or conservative minded people in your family.

Jonathan identifies as a strong liberal/democrat and talks about his journey from hating republicans or those with a conservative viewpoint to understanding their views, having compassion for them, and using some conservative morals in his own life.  He is a social psychologist and talks about how his research influenced his journey. He also talks about how reason will not work in debating issues of morality.

Some highlights:

  • Liberal and Conservatives share two values Fairness and Compassion
  • Conservatives also have the values of Loyalty, Authority, and Sanctity
  • Liberals value diversity and variety more and Conservatives value structure and order more – both are important
  • A country with only Liberal or Conservative values will fail – both are needed

  1. Create a Safe Place to have The Conversation

No one likes to be ambushed.  Consider your environment. If you have a way to talk about the heated issue one-to-one, that is always best.  It is better to do it in a safe space where neither of you feel like you will be attacked, shamed or blamed.  Have one person who is pro-choice in a group of people who are pro-life? That’s not the place.  Have one person who voted from Trump in a group of people who voted for Biden?  Maybe somewhere different.

But what about family dinners?  What if you’re in public and the conversation just happens?

Safety also comes with your intention and words

  • Have you done your own self-reflection? Or do you have an agenda?
  • Do you really want to hear the other person’s point of view or not? Be Honest.

If we’ve done our own self-reflection this can help us ground and stay centred during those surprise conversations.

  1. Ask Curious Questions

Brené Brown’s book, Braving The Wilderness is great for digging deeper into how to have those potentially divisive conversations with family.  She explores how to have deeper connecting conversations with those we’re struggling to get along with.  She also talks about how to address it when a person is overtly racist, sexist etc.

Want a little bit more detail on what this could look like?  Read Brené Brown’s interview with Dr. Michelle Buck in the chapter four “People are Hard to Hate Close Up. Move In.”

Brené recommends trying these 3 steps:

a) Really listen to hear what the multiple layers of reasons are for this person’s point of view. Is it a moral or a value that is leading them to have an opinion so different than yours?

b) If you start to get into a conversation about the past (who said and did what), try to shift it to the present or look to what the person wants for the future. What do they envision your country looking like for future generations?

c) When you want to make a counter argument, see if you can say, “Tell me more” instead.

It will take some groundwork for you before you can have a conversation about a topic that is very important to you.

  • You can have these conversations with a wish to share your point of view, but you must be able to go into it without expecting that you will get to.
  • Jonathan Haidt talks about how it can be helpful to start a conversation by complimenting a few things that the other side has gotten right in the past.
  • Or if that’s too hard, with a few things that your side has gotten wrong historically.

The Art of Asking Meaningful Questions

I remember a few years ago being introduced to Krista Tippett on the Tim Ferriss podcast.  Her own podcasts are often about connecting people across lines.  In the podcast Calming Philosophies for Chaotic Times, she talks about deeper questions that help us connect with one another and be less separate.

  • “Answer this question through the story of your life” (apply to all heated topics e.g. choosing to vaccinate or not vaccinate)
  • Give your opinions through your experience, not just to give an opinion

If you want to hear more, you can start listening at 1:22:42 during the podcast.

  1. Set Boundaries Where Needed

Brené Brown also wrote the chapter about how to speak truth to bull-shit (BS).  She describes the nature of BS and how to approach to with others.  These tips are also good if you are the one being ambushed by others points of view.  Her main tips are:

  • Approach it with generosity, by not assuming that the person is being malicious or acting out of hate. If you’re ambushed, you can approach with generosity by being calm and curious. Why do they want your opinion to change?
  • Be civil by owning our “stuff” and having curious conversations. We can be civil while disagreeing or stating our boundaries.  Civil isn’t the same as “nice”.  Civil is firm and grounded.  Notice your body language – are you open or defensive?

Brené doesn’t encourage passivity when she speaks of being civil or being generous.  She talks of courage and disagreeing with grace.  I liked the quote she shared from Elie Wiesel, “We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim.  Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”

Speaking truth to bullshit is very difficult when emotions are high.  The chapter is well-worth a read as she goes into more detail about how to approach this with people in our lives.

NOTE IN BOLD: When it comes to the topic of vaccines, it never helps to start by speaking truth to bullshit!! Assume that the other side thinks that your opinion is bullshit.  Listening and curiosity as to their point of view within the context of their life is waaaay more important.  You may have to set boundaries afterwards about physically getting together, but can you imagine setting this boundary and also really understanding where the other person is coming from too? What would it be like to still be in relationship with this person even though you disagree?

The Cheat Sheet

  1. Self-reflection first
  2. Create a safe space to connect with a person
  3. Ask curious questions
  4. Set boundaries where needed

A Funny Story

I will share that after writing all of this, I shared it with my husband.  We then proceeded to have an argument about something extremely stupid (whether or not to buy a product or not) and not even in the realm of big issues.  Later, we couldn’t help but laugh at the irony. Those thoughts of, “If I can’t even have a civil conversation with something trivial, how can I do this with bigger issues!” can be blocks to trying it with bigger issues.  Upon reflection, we jumped to step 4 without doing steps 1-3. Give yourself permission to get it wrong and then try again. Take space and regroup if you try and realize you’re just not ready to hear the other side. Go back to #1.

The Gift of Wisdom and Kindness

It is a gift to be kind to others and also ourselves. Remember to be compassionate with yourself if you try and fail dramatically.  Be compassionate if you notice a time you could have tried to have a civil conversation and didn’t.  Find courage and then try it another time.

Emotions can get in the way of connecting in a difficult conversation.  Sometimes we can be ready to have a conversation and the other person is not.  Sometimes it’s the other way around. Start small by picking a topic that’s less heated and work your way to the more difficult topics. Finally, speak your opinions from your experiences:  “I experienced this in my life, which is why I made this choice”.

Good luck with all those get togethers!

This blog post was originally published on December 19, 2017. It has been updated with current content.

Validation: How To Support Your Children And Spouse When You Really Don’t Want To

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Your child rolls his eyes at you.

Your partner complains about her work for the 400th time and doesn’t take any of your advice.

What is your feeling in each of these situations?  Anger, irritation, or annoyance is quite likely.

The First Reaction: Defensiveness

It can be easy to get defensive in these situations – you probably feel disrespected and angry that your child rolled his eyes when you asked him to set the table because you work so hard to provide for that child, you do so much work around the house, and your child doesn’t seem to appreciate your hard work.

You may feel a simmering rage that your partner isn’t taking any of your advice after talking about her frustrations over and over and over. You may want to shout, “Just make a decision!” Or “Stop Complaining!”

The Shift To Validation

Validation is about looking at these situations with a different lens.  The lens I’ve described so far is the one where we look at the situation personally and make it about ourselves.  “My child is disrespecting ME” or “My partner doesn’t value MY opinion”.

Validation is a choice to shift the lens from ourselves to the other person.  Acknowledge your reaction and then take a breath and ask yourself, “What is this person feeling underneath the eye roll or complaining?”

Your son could be feeling angry and annoyed to have to shift from doing something fun to something so incredibly boring such as setting the table. That’s normal behavior for a kid.  You are the adult and get to make many decisions for your children. They are the child and must do things you ask them to even if they don’t want to do it.  That can be annoying.

Your partner could be really frustrated with work and may just want someone to say, “That sounds really tough, I can imagine how frustrated you are that you are being asked to work more hours/being treated so poorly/working hard and getting zero credit/fill-in-the-blank”.

The goal of validation is to help a person deepen into their emotions about a situation and feel heard.  Once these things happen, there can be space for problem solving IF needed.

Believe me, I love to give advice to my family – I don’t want to see them in pain or struggling!  I can see possible solutions that maybe they can’t. Yet, if I stop and validate instead, I often don’t have to give any unwanted advice – they can see it for themselves.  We often think people are asking for advice, but really, they just want to be heard.

Often, we are uncomfortable with someone else’s emotions and attempt to change their emotion, so that we can feel better.

Connection

Validation is about connection with the heart instead of the mind. I see you. I hear you.  We slow down and be more present with that person instead of seeing that the act of dealing with their emotions is another “to do” on our never-ending list. If we stop and take 2 minutes to really be there it can make a world of difference.

When Do I Get To Give My Advice?

After the other person appears to deepen into their emotion or relaxes after feeling heard, then we can ask them if they want our advice or want help solving the problem.

With the child who rolls his eyes, there may be zero advice-giving – sometimes just acknowledging that it’s frustrating can be enough.  If there’s more going on in the situation (e.g. swearing at you every time you ask) you can set a boundary AFTER validating them. “You have the right to be annoyed for being asked to do something you don’t like, but it’s not okay to swear me at me”.

With the partner who’s complaining about work all the time, after validating the person you can ask if they want your advice.  If you’re too tired to hear about your partner’s work woes, try saying, “I really want to give you my full attention right now, but I just can’t because I’m so exhausted. I’m a crappy listener when I’m exhausted. Can you tell me more when the kids are watching tv after dinner?” And then remember to ask them about their day when the kids are watching tv.

Want to see it in action? 

Validation, Movie Style!

This is an enjoyable video to watch.  Even if you just watch the first 3 minutes of this video, you will get a feel for what validation can be. The actor TJ Thyne conveys deep connection as he validates others.  His words are not as deep (he doesn’t really know the people he’s validating), yet his connection is strong.  The rest of the video is more of a short story – interesting but more Hollywood than reality.  You don’t need to have this depth of connection to do validation, it’s more important to be authentically you in your connection with your child.

Advanced Skills in Validation

If you have a list in your head of situations or words that are challenging to validate, then consider watching the video by a fellow Social Worker, Natasha Files from Mental Health Foundations. She takes 90 minutes to break it down in the one of the best explanations I have seen.  She teaches viewers how to validate phrases like, ‘I’m fat”, or “I give up”, or “It’s too hard”.  If you feel stuck and confused about validating, this is a great investment of your time that will help you deepen your connection with family members and save hours of time in frustration with them.

Validation Cheat Sheet (adapted from Emotion-Focused Family Therapy)

  1. Take a breath, acknowledge & notice your urge to be defensive – now shift your lens to them instead of you
  2. Attend to the emotion – be present with the person and notice what could be going on
  3. Label the emotion the other person is feeling (take a guess! It’s okay to be wrong)
    • You’re mad at me or
    • You’re frustrated with everything going on at work
  4. Validate the emotion
    • I can understand why you would feel angry, because you’re being asked to do something you don’t want to do, and that it can be annoying that adults tell you what to do at home and at school all the time
    • I can see why you would be frustrated at work because you’re being undervalued, your boss keeps treating you with disrespect, and you’re giving your 100%.
  5. Meet the emotional need
    • Give your son space to feel what he needs to feel – let him be annoyed while he sets the table. You can tell him that he still needs to set table (if he isn’t doing it) and you could let him know that you appreciate the help
    • Let your spouse know that you’re there for them
  6. Fix/Problem-Solve – ask if they want help solving their problem

Like talking about issues of morality with others, emotions are very similar.  We cannot use reason to shift someone’s moral views just as we cannot use reason to shift someone’s emotions. (See my blog post Controversial Conversations With Family & Friends to learn more). Connection is the most powerful tool and validation is great way to connect.

Want to learn more about supporting a child or adult with anxiety?  Stay tuned for a post in February.