I grew up in a house of mostly women. We would joke to my father that he was so lucky to have 4 daughters and my Mom in his life. He didn’t always agree 🙂
As a woman, surrounded by women, it has been easy to see the wounding of a patriarchal culture on women. Ask any woman and they will give you an example where they have been hurt by living in a culture that values men first.
At this period in my life, I am surrounded by white men. I live with my husband and two teenage boys. Not surprisingly, I have carried some of my anger & pain of these patriarchal wounds of childhood and life as a woman in this world, into these relationships.
Having men that I love in my life has nudged me to do some deeper inner work around the impact of the patriarchy not only on myself, but also on men – those in my life and as a whole in society.
The Men in My Life Did Not Create The Patriarchy
Recently my therapist said to me, “These men in your life did not create the patriarchy”. And sometimes you just need to hear that message at the right time and it sinks in that much deeper. She’s absolutely right.
At the same time, I was reading Bell Hooks’ book The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity & Love. This masterpiece by feminist Bell Hooks explores the negative impact of a patriarchal society on men.The pressure men feel to be a “success”, to demonstrate hyper-masculine traits and not show vulnerability.
Over the past few decades, there has been a confusing demand from women for men to show more vulnerability and then be shut down by these same women when they did that. Hooks’ book does a beautiful job of sharing how the patriarchy has had a negative impact on men too. She also shows how women & men both keep the patriarchal cultural norm in motion.
So if you are a man, I’d encourage you to explore how a patriarchal culture has hurt you. It has especially given so many benefits to white men, but at what cost?
If like me, you’re a woman, or if you identify as a different gender, it is helpful to explore how we have been complicit in patriarchal culture.
Either way – read Bell Hooks The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity & Love if you haven’t yet. OR – if you want to hear about the negative impact of the patriarchy from a male perspective, listen to renowned couples therapist Terry Real talk about it with Tim Ferriss on episode #810 – Terry Real – the Therapist who Breaks All the Rules.
The #METOO Movement DID NOT Cause Cancel Culture
I’ve heard a few podcasts lately with famous white men naming the #METOO movement as an impetus for cancel culture or inflicting more emotional abuse on men. The #METOO movement did not CAUSE cancel culture. But they were both occurring at the same time.
One of the biggest rules in research is that “Correlation does not equal Causation“. I remember my first year of university, my Psychology professor describing how violence increased in the summer months and how the purchase of ice cream also increased in the summer months. One could infer that ice cream must be related to violence or that violence led to eating ice cream because they are both occurring at the same time. Or, you could dig a little deeper and see what is underneath both spikes in behaviour. The research connected the change in behaviour to a rise in summer temperatures.
So what could be beneath cancel culture & the #METOO movement? I haven’t done the research, but one hypotheses I would want to explore is the impact of a deep-seated patriarchal culture over centuries.
Healing From Patriarchal Wounds
Whether my hypotheses is accurate or not, I think we would all benefit from digging deeper to explore what is happening in our culture underneath both the #METOO movement & cancel culture. What could be happening underneath both of them that would lead to such an outburst?
As a woman who resonated with the #METOO movement, I felt such relief & gratitude to all the woman who shouted out loud the truths that were happening to them in this world. We live in a world with the strong over-arching culture that these things were not to be talked about or believed. There is so much resentment & percolating rage that arises from centuries of oppression. Cancel culture was a gift at first when many oppressors did get cancelled.
At the same time, to all the men who love women and genuinely don’t want to hurt them, AND who have been impacted by cancel culture, I can see how it hurts to be judged and to feel fearful of saying any words with the possibility of being ostracized for one wrong statement at one wrong time. You did not create the culture that resulted in having to experience these wounds.
Yet, while you did not create our current culture, are you willing to dig deeper than the old cliché of blaming women for these problems? What is happening underneath in our culture that might have led to these circumstances at this time? How are you complicit in keeping the status quo?
White Lotus and More
As it goes when you’re exploring themes in your life, you start to see it everywhere. I thought I’d bring in few current examples in stand-up, television & movies.
Nikki Glaser
I recently saw the comedian Nikki Glaser. Her audience was an even split of women & men. In this show she did a bit on sexual abuse. I felt my own discomfort as she went into this part of her show – but that’s what comedians do best – ride that edge of truth & discomfort. She said that she had determined through all of the tv shows, movies and stories that she heard that the best way to prevent sexual abuse was to never leave your child with ANY man.
Edgy. But also incredibly sad. What kind of culture do we live in that created a place safer for those who abuse than those who are abused? Why are so many men involved in sexual abuse?
White Lotus
I recently finished White Lotus season 3, and the patriarchal wounding on men was a dominant theme. Tim is a father and finds out that he might lose all of his wealth and go to jail and he dares not tell his family who have told him and shown him that they wouldn’t be able to live without the money, success, & privilege he has provided for them in their lives. Chelsea tells her partner Rick who is in deep emotional pain to go and talk to someone about his stuff – he resists this idea but engages anyways. He starts to see some clear wounds & patterns in his life – but will he engage with the love from Chelsea right in front of him or will opting for revenge feel more sweet? The Buddhist hotel guard Daitok is told by his love interest Mook that she’d be more interested in him if he was more ambitious or willing to fight. What does he value more – the path of non-violence or the path of violence that would allow him to date the woman he adores?
Sabah
I’ve been enjoying stories about Egypt these days, and the movie Cairo Time by Ruba Nadda caught my eye at the library. As one does when they find a director or story-teller that they like, I started to look into anything else Ruba Nadda had created and I was introduced to Sabah.
Sabah is a 40 year old traditional Muslim woman living in Toronto. She happens to fall in love with an atheist white Canadian from Sudbury. Sabah cannot fathom how this relationship could possibly work in the long-term as she has been told by her family that she will lose them if she dates anyone outside her faith. When things finally come to a head, this movie beautifully shows the impact of these rigid patriarchal beliefs both on Sabah but also on her brother too. Both cry, “I’ve sacrificed so much!” and both have in the name of patriarchal tradition.
Alright – that was a lot – I promise to balance it out with something lighter next time. I’m not an academic expert on this topic and at the same time it’s a topic close to my heart. One of my missions in life is to align with that part of me that doesn’t seek to blame but instead to understand & connect with all.
And always dive deeper than what’s at the surface.
