The musical artist Franz Ferdinand’s lyrics from their song This Fire have been playing in the back of my mind as I prepped for this post.
This fire is out of control,
I’m gonna burn this city, burn this city
Often when a person connects to their rage or anger, fire is an element that can show up to help move and process this energy. The energy of rage can move slowly like a controlled prairie fire, like a blast of hot fiery magma from a volcano or with the destruction of a massive bomb destroying everything in it’s path.
Anger is much misunderstood emotion. In the New Age world it is often feared – there is a worry that the thought or acknowledgement of anger will manifest something bad into your life. In Canadian culture, anger is often expressed passive-aggressively. The approach is often, “I’m angry, but I want to be nice”. Kind words can actually be a “Fuck you”.
If you grew up in a household with parental rage, the expression of anger might have been harmful both physically & emotionally. This is a place where anger is a dangerous light-switch – never expressed in a healthy way – always with danger.
The suppression of anger in a household can show up in the silences. Parents can use the silent treatment or mask it in not-so covert behaviours.
This discomfort and mis-education about anger leads us to be uncomfortable with our children’s anger. We can meet them with, “Don’t be angry, be grateful”. We can meet them with anger at their expression of anger. And then introduce shame to ourselves or our children about expressing anger. And shame is a powerful suppressor.
We can brush off aggressive behaviour as “just being kids” instead of calling it out and setting a boundary.
How was anger expressed or not expressed in your childhood? Who was allowed to be angry? If you look at the culture of your country & your community, who is allowed to express anger? What are the cultural beliefs about anger?
Anger is Just Energy
If you’ve had a healthy education about anger, you will have been taught that anger is just energy. Like a volcano or a fire – it is energy in your body that wants to move.
Unfortunately a healthy education about anger is rare, and this a place to bring some self-compassion. “I don’t think I’ve ever been taught how to be with anger or how to move it”. The fortunate part, is that this is an old pattern that can be changed.
Anger Expression Doesn’t Have to be Loud
I have participated in many psychotherapy process groups that invite loud anger to be expressed in a group. For some people, this is exactly what is needed to move anger. People were given pool noodles or punching bags. Angry music was played loudly. It can be a healthy release of anger when done in a contained and safe space. I’m guessing that’s why there’s an emergence of rooms you can rent for an hour to go and smash everything in the room. During an episode of Sex Education, characters go to the dump and smash things. If this works for you – go for it!
Those types of psychotherapy process groups did the opposite for me. My terror of anger suppressed any type of emotion I felt, and instead I felt numb and disconnected from everyone in that room. There was a “safe space” in the room for anyone who needed it, but I didn’t feel unsafe either. I just felt nothing.
With the help of a skilled therapist, I learned that anger expression doesn’t have to be loud. I also learned that I was using my incredible dissociative skills to manage those large group process groups. That type of group was very unhelpful for someone like myself.
If you’re a visual person, anger can be expressed by imagining your anger moving and letting it be it’s most destructive self – destroying planets and more – the imagination has no bounds. If you’re not a visual person, you can start by connecting to the feeling of anger in your body and inviting it to move outside of you into the world.
Support & Grounding
If you are a master of dissociating or numbing whenever you touch your feelings of anger, you may need a hand grounding or having a supportive presence work through the layers that stop you from feeling your anger in a safe way. Having the physical presence of someone grounded and in the field of unconditional love/non-judgment can be what is needed to allow old patterns around anger to heal & change.
One of my most supportive experiences with my terror around anger was also in a large group. I was in my 4th year at the Barbara Brennan School of Healing and the room next door was being used for those second year students expressing their rage. I remember thinking, “thank God I’m not in that room”, and “wow!, I think I’m doing okay”. My teacher at the time then called me out, “How are you doing Juanita”. Because I was a skilled dissociater, I genuinely said, “I think I’m fine” and brushed it off. Instead of believing me, she decided to move the group outside for the rest of our session. In that moment I still believed the goal was to be able to be in a loud angry environment and stay there. I often felt shame about my terror around anger.
Psychotherapy & Energy Healing
The combination of psychotherapy & energy healing shine when it comes to processing anger. There is a balance of talking & presence that is needed. Sometimes it is enough to do this with a person sitting across from me (virtually or in-person). Often, energy healing can help someone go that much deeper into this process in a safe and supportive way. Anger can be expressed without any visible emotions or words. Again – Anger is just energy that wants to move.
Psychotherapy can also help us get curious about our anger and what it is trying to tell us. Sometimes it’s about a boundary that needs to be set. Other times it gets buried when there’s a change that needs to occur, but we’re scared. Sometimes it’s old anger that shows up in unique and unexpected ways. There are many different reasons anger shows up.
Sometimes the fear of anger isn’t even related directly to our experience with anger. My childhood wasn’t rage-filled and dangerous, so why was I so scared of this emotion? Psychotherapy helped me unpack what this terror was actually associated with and then introduced safety so that I could process the emotions.
When you connect to your anger, you may feel the energy of fire, but it could be an other element too. Which element resonates with your experience of anger?
If you’re looking for support around your relationship with anger, I’m here.
