DBT

Riding The Wave Of Big Emotions

March 14, 2020 by Juanita Lepage 3 Comments

COVID-19 Emergency Emotional Support Kit

Wow, a lot has happened in the span of a few days with the spiralling reactions and realities about COVID-19. I don’t know about you, but I’ve felt a lot of different emotions in a very short time, and I continue to ride those waves. I’ve been watching my own experience and reflecting on what has been helpful for me, and the most helpful thing is to acknowledge what I’m feeling without dismissing it as irrelevant because “other people have it worse”.

You Have The Right To Feel Angry, Sad, And Scared

If I can give you one recommendation, it’s to acknowledge your feelings, disappointments, anger, sadness, rage, fear, terror, numbness or whatever else that you are feeling. As soon as you do this, you give permission for those emotions to unwind from your physical and energetic body and your psyche instead of holding them all in. When you hold emotions in for a long time you can feel like Stephen King’s Carrie, ready to explode at the moment the threshold is broken.

Feel Your Emotions, AND Don’t Take Them Out On Others

The art is to NOT take it out on others, but to express and feel them in your own style. Fearful that if you start to feel these things that you’ll never pull yourself out of it? Then give yourself a time limit. For the next 10 minutes, 2 hours, 1 day etc, I give myself permission to feel _____________. Then I will regroup and do ____________ to shift my mood in a positive way. If you’re worried you won’t follow through on a positive activity, then plan it before you give yourself permission to feel your emotions.

Like waves, your emotions cannot be controlled. If you feel another surge of emotions, repeat the actions of feeling your emotions and then shifting them.

Ideas How To Feel Your Emotions In A Healthy Way

Here are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to google for more.

Scared? Go for a run, fast walk, or exercise. Hug a pillow and put a pillow along your back too. Say your fears out loud.
Disappointed? Maybe hole up in your bed and binge some Netflix.
Angry? Some people like to journal and others like to yell in their car while driving. I like to yell in the car (because i have family members at home) or dance – whichever feels the most natural and/or practical within my environment.
Sad? Watch a sad movie to feel your sadness or have a bath.

Then you can ground, regroup, and maybe even brightside things if you’re feeling like that’s right for you.

Want to learn more about how to Ride the Wave of Big Emotions? Then read on.

Riding The Wave Of Big Emotions (repost)

This post was originally posted on August 30, 2018.

Have you ever watched the big wave surfers such as Laird Hamilton ride an 80-foot wave?

Big wave surfers have made it their life mission to find ways to ride the largest waves out there. On the days that the coastguard recommends people to stay out of the water, these surfers go into the water. Here’s a clip to give you a taste of big wave surfing.

When I watch surfing clips on YouTube part of me is pulled to go and become a big wave surfer and part of me wants to sip coffee on the beach while watching big-wave surfers.

Or something stronger than coffee.

When I taught Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to groups of teens, one of the key skills was, Ride the Wave. It is one of the simplest and yet most challenging psychotherapeutic skills.

Simple Explanation

Notice when you have an uncomfortable emotion rising. Fully feel that emotion and release it. Carry on.

Reality

Now here are a few common reactions towards feeling those uncomfortable emotions

or there can be fear that your rage will explode or you’ll fall apart into a million pieces

or we might just show our inner Queen and wave while we say to ourselves, “what uncomfortable emotions?” “Maybe others feel them, but I don’t.” In fact I just feel love and such gratitude.

When we try to push painful emotions away, it typically creates more tension inside us and in our interactions with others.

What Can We Do?

Learn to Surf your Emotions

You can assess what kind of emotional surfer you are and depending on your skill and experience you can often do it on your own.

If you meditate, practice mindfulness, or do relaxation exercises this can be an excellent avenue to practice riding the wave. Part of riding the wave is noticing where you’re holding emotions in your body and giving them attention. It can be noticing the resistance to allowing an emotion. It can be noticing the thoughts or old patterns and beliefs that keep you from expressing your emotions.

One notice might be the common culturally valued pattern of “keeping it all together”. We often want our children to “keep it all together” too. This belief is a barrier to feeling your emotions. Notice the language ‘keep it all together” – the phrase intuits a fear that letting out emotion will result in falling apart.

Learning to Surf With a Guide

I don’t know about you, but i’m easily distracted when i try to emotionally surf on my own. My mind creates things that are much more urgent for me to do instead. Also if you’re a master at holding in emotions, it often takes time and space to allow for things to start moving.

As a psychotherapist, this is often what I help people do. Holding in emotions takes A LOT of power and energy. If we slow down and connect to those buried emotions this can help us shift the tension in our bodies and free us from old patterns. I have had many therapy sessions where it took the full hour to allow myself to feel something deeply, and if I wasn’t paying for the session, I would’ve ended it early and buried the emotions for a little longer (maybe a decade).

Like choosing a wave to surf, riding an emotional wave must be your choice. No one can make you do it. Yet like learning to surf, it can be helpful to have a guide on your journey.

No one becomes a big wave surfer overnight. It’s helpful to start by putting your toe in the water, or notice if you’re drowning in your emotions and need a life preserver or someone to take you back to smaller waves first.

Riding the wave is a skill that has taken me a long-time to learn, but with the help of some fabulous guides I keep going back in the water, even when I’d rather be on dry land.

Who is this skill best suited for?

This is a practical skill for everyone, yet it can be especially helpful if you are feeling:

Numbness or “feeling nothing” in most or all situations
Emotional overwhelm in some or many situations
Burned out
Or you’re experiencing the ripple of reactions and realities of COVID-19

Riding The Waves Of Life

September 6, 2018 by Juanita Lepage 4 Comments

My husband and I were commenting on the waves of the year both before we had children and afterwards. Before we had kids, September was just an extension of summer. It was a great time to go camping or take a vacation.

Once our children started school in September, the days leading up and into school are filled with new energy. As a parent, I start to get organized for making lunches, ensuring the kids have the things they need for their first day, and realizing what I forgot on the first day of school (shoes). I reconnect with parents at the bus-stop, whom I haven’t seen in a while. I then realize my days of walking my kids to the bus-stop are coming to completion because my kids were at the bus-stop before I even left the house. I’m a little sad and a little happy too.

Then there’s the quiet in the house with the children gone and the increased space to work on my business and meet with clients. Everyone comments how summer has gone so quickly, and most people are ready for fall.

We experience multiple layers of waves in our lives

We have waves related to what is going on in our personal life (emotions related to different circumstances).
We have waves related to the seasons. We see these phases in nature (spring, summer, fall, winter),
We have waves related to our age and period in our life with each decade brings something new.

In each of these waves of our lives we have the phases of Expansion, Contraction, and Stasis.

Wave preferences

Many of us have a preference for the phase we like the most. We can feel that high when life is expanding with fun, creativity, love and pleasure. We can feel relief when things are taken off our plate and we have more space to breath, travel, or do what we want to. We can feel that peace in sitting on the couch reading a book or watching Netflix. We can hide under the covers on a cold day.

You probably notice that you are at different phases for different parts of your life. If you’re highly stressed, it’s likely that the waves in many or all parts of your life are all peaking at the same time. If you’re very bored, it’s likely that the waves in many or all parts of your life are contracting or at a still point in your life.

The one truth about waves is that they cannot keep getting bigger or smaller indefinitely. Movement in the opposite direction is inevitable. This can be the one truth that can help in those times when everything feels too intense or too quiet. Things cannot and will not stay the same forever.

When we are over or underwhelmed by life, this can be an invitation to ourselves to see if we can influence our waves or whether we must ride it out. We consider whether we need to reach out to others or spend more time in quiet. We reflect on the things we think we can’t change and consider whether we can make a tiny change in that area. We consider what we can add to our lives and what we can remove from our lives. We ponder our expectations about life and whether those expectations are true or manufactured by us based on our life experience.

Fall is great time to take space for reflection as the energy of the seasons moves into contraction.

Distraction: Friend or Foe?

October 5, 2017 by Juanita Lepage Leave a Comment

Someone asked me what I do when I’m overwhelmed with life. I told them that I play Candy Crush. Sweet, sweet Candy Crush. Even better, finding a place to hide in my house where I play and leave the world for a little while. For those of you unfamiliar with the game, it’s a very simple game available on your phone or tablet where each level is a couple minutes long.

Doesn’t that seem like the WRONG thing to do when you’ve got issues to deal with? Yes and No. Playing Candy Crush when I am feeling an intense emotion, such as stress or overwhelm, is a great way to take some space and find my center. Even better if I’m in a space by myself. I can play a few rounds and check-in with myself to see if my mood has shifted. I will often feel the temptation to spend 16 hours playing this game instead of 10 minutes – like an ostrich covering her head in the sand. But if my mood has shifted enough, then I can find the will to go and problem-solve and carry on with my day.

ACCEPTS – Healthy Distraction Skills

One of the most important skills that we teach teens with mental health issues is how to use distraction in a healthy way. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy there is a distraction skill called ACCEPTS.

A is for Activities: Playing a game on your phone, going for a walk or drive, doing a chore, exercise, take a few deep breaths

C is for Contributions: Doing something for someone else to take your mind off your problems; make a card for someone, give someone a compliment or a cup of tea

C is for Comparisons: Compare yourself to either people who have been through something similar and who are an inspiration to you, or do things like read the news or gossip magazines

E is for opposite Emotions: Do something that evokes a different emotion than what you are feeling such as watch a funny or adorable funny YouTube video, watch a scary movie, or talk to someone who uplifts your mood

P is for Pushing Away: Imagine putting the current stress in a box, wrapping the box with chains and then throwing it in the ocean. Repeat

T is for Thoughts: I call this the waiting room strategy – what do you do in a waiting room when you are really bored? Count the ceiling tiles, do a crossword, read a book, count backwards, check your phone

S is for Sensations: Hold ice in your hand, run very fast, have a hot or cold shower, put white glue on your arm and let it dry and then peel it off

Choose Items that Shift Your Mood in a Positive Way

The key in choosing the best ones are to find the things that shift your mood. If you find that you feel worse after using one of the suggestions – pick something else. You can always try it again another time if you feel inclined.

Parents are often worried that distraction is a poor skill that will not solve their children’s problems. They are absolutely right, distraction will not solve anyone’s problems and teens know this very well too. Distraction skills are a strategic tool to help us get towards the space for problem-solving.

Anyone of any age is a poor problem solver when emotions are very high or very low. The goal of distraction is to shift your mood enough to get to the point of problem-solving.

If your teen is in a very angry mood, it is best in that situation not venture towards problem-solving until their mood has become less angry. It can be good to let teens go to their bedroom and take some space. The same is for parents, I don’t know about you, but I can think of times where I said something mean because it gave me pleasure to do so and didn’t help the problem. The art is to notice when these thoughts creep up and then take some space to cool down. Problem-solving comes after when things are less intense.

Depression

If your teen is depressed, then it can be helpful to invite them to do something with you. If a teen is very depressed they will be unable to choose distraction on their own. What is the least invasive way to engage them? Say, “Let’s go for a drive and get a coffee”, and drive in silence if needed. Watch a movie with them if that’s more their style. Share a funny YouTube video with them that meets their sense of humour. Even if they see you laugh at something they think is stupid, this can be therapeutic for some teens. You know your teen best – what is a good distraction for them?

Self-Awareness

If you want an even broader perspective about distraction, the ultimate goal is self-awareness. If we can be aware of our moods and our triggers, we will be less likely to react according to them and more to the situation at hand. Sometimes distraction can last a few breaths and sometimes it needs days, but as you practice, the amount of time you need will lessen. A mindful use of distraction requires creativity and practice to be effective. Create a list of possible distractions when you are in a frame of mind to do so. Take a picture of this list and keep it on your phone. Then when the need for a healthy distraction arises, you can thank yourself for making this list earlier.

What do you do when you need a break from life but you can’t disappear to a beach on Hawaii?

DBT