Brene Brown

A Call to Listen: Controversial Conversations With Family and Friends

August 3, 2021 by Juanita Lepage Leave a Comment

It’s that time again to re-post about this important topic as the heat rises in family and group dynamics about COVID and vaccines. I’ve had my own share of diversity in opinions in my own extended family and rifts have been created and some boundaries have ebbed and shifted.

First: What decision did you make about vaccines ( please don’t tell me, just answer this question to yourself)

Second: Are you the majority or minority in your family or community who made this decision?

If you’re in the majority in either of these groups, take some time to listen to the other side. There are some families where most people chose to vaccinate and they ostracize the one who didn’t. There are other families who choose not to vaccinate and and they ostracize the one who did. Then there are gradients of opinions within each side – with varying opinions about what are the best vaccines, vaccinating kids, mandatory vaccinating and on and on.

Civil Conversations

Sometimes it feels like the safest thing to do is to find that group of people who share our views and stay in the safety of that bubble.

We can choose to do that to some degree, but if you want to spend time with friends & family who might not see the world from your perspective, that can make it much more challenging.

Common Strategies

Avoid all conflictual topics

Try to pass family and friend events without touching on hot topics. Sometimes this is the easiest and best option – no judgment! I probably use this one more often than I’d like to.

Avoid all friends and family that disagree with your viewpoint
Try to convince everyone of your viewpoint

Isn’t this the one you wish would work? I certainly do. Often, we think that reason and logic are needed for persuasion. Unfortunately, this is unlikely to work with hot topics. Incredibly, research has shown that you can’t use reason alone with issues around morality (listen to the Jonathan Haidt podcast listed below to learn more). If you’re a family who loves a good argument or debate – carry on. But be curious if this is true for all parties involved and whether this debate brings you closer or further apart.

Discuss conflictual topics with those you love in a less argumentative way

This is by far the most challenging option, but if you want to do this, find some courage, and read on.

Self-Reflection First

If you’ve read a few of my posts, you might see this as a theme. Whenever conflict arises, this is where we go first.

What are your sensitive areas? Where do your emotions get heated up? What are your assumptions and biases about the “other side?” What is something you don’t “get” about the other side?

Next – Why do you want to connect more with your family, friends, or others? How do your personal values give you reason to connect with people who have different opinions? Is it to have more peace in a relationship, community, country, or world? If you don’t want to connect with people who think differently, why don’t you?

Example

Here is an example of applying this to politics.

I found it incredibly helpful to listen to the interview, “The Psychology of Self-Righteousness” with Social Psychologist Jonathan Haidt and Krista Tippett. Jonathan Haidt explores reasons to be compassionate and potentially even grateful for those liberal or conservative minded people in your family.

Jonathan identifies as a strong liberal/democrat and talks about his journey from hating republicans or those with a conservative viewpoint to understanding their views, having compassion for them, and using some conservative morals in his own life. He is a social psychologist and talks about how his research influenced his journey. He also talks about how reason will not work in debating issues of morality.

Some highlights:

Liberal and Conservatives share two values Fairness and Compassion
Conservatives also have the values of Loyalty, Authority, and Sanctity
Liberals value diversity and variety more and Conservatives value structure and order more – both are important
A country with only Liberal or Conservative values will fail – both are needed

Create a Safe Place to have The Conversation

No one likes to be ambushed. Consider your environment. If you have a way to talk about the heated issue one-to-one, that is always best. It is better to do it in a safe space where neither of you feel like you will be attacked, shamed or blamed. Have one person who is pro-choice in a group of people who are pro-life? That’s not the place. Have one person who voted from Trump in a group of people who voted for Biden? Maybe somewhere different.

But what about family dinners? What if you’re in public and the conversation just happens?

Safety also comes with your intention and words

Have you done your own self-reflection? Or do you have an agenda?
Do you really want to hear the other person’s point of view or not? Be Honest.

If we’ve done our own self-reflection this can help us ground and stay centred during those surprise conversations.

Ask Curious Questions

Brené Brown’s book, Braving The Wilderness is great for digging deeper into how to have those potentially divisive conversations with family. She explores how to have deeper connecting conversations with those we’re struggling to get along with. She also talks about how to address it when a person is overtly racist, sexist etc.

Want a little bit more detail on what this could look like? Read Brené Brown’s interview with Dr. Michelle Buck in the chapter four “People are Hard to Hate Close Up. Move In.”

Brené recommends trying these 3 steps:

a) Really listen to hear what the multiple layers of reasons are for this person’s point of view. Is it a moral or a value that is leading them to have an opinion so different than yours?

b) If you start to get into a conversation about the past (who said and did what), try to shift it to the present or look to what the person wants for the future. What do they envision your country looking like for future generations?

c) When you want to make a counter argument, see if you can say, “Tell me more” instead.

It will take some groundwork for you before you can have a conversation about a topic that is very important to you.

You can have these conversations with a wish to share your point of view, but you must be able to go into it without expecting that you will get to.
Jonathan Haidt talks about how it can be helpful to start a conversation by complimenting a few things that the other side has gotten right in the past.
Or if that’s too hard, with a few things that your side has gotten wrong historically.

The Art of Asking Meaningful Questions

I remember a few years ago being introduced to Krista Tippett on the Tim Ferriss podcast. Her own podcasts are often about connecting people across lines. In the podcast Calming Philosophies for Chaotic Times, she talks about deeper questions that help us connect with one another and be less separate.

“Answer this question through the story of your life” (apply to all heated topics e.g. choosing to vaccinate or not vaccinate)
Give your opinions through your experience, not just to give an opinion

If you want to hear more, you can start listening at 1:22:42 during the podcast.

Set Boundaries Where Needed

Brené Brown also wrote the chapter about how to speak truth to bull-shit (BS). She describes the nature of BS and how to approach to with others. These tips are also good if you are the one being ambushed by others points of view. Her main tips are:

Approach it with generosity, by not assuming that the person is being malicious or acting out of hate. If you’re ambushed, you can approach with generosity by being calm and curious. Why do they want your opinion to change?
Be civil by owning our “stuff” and having curious conversations. We can be civil while disagreeing or stating our boundaries. Civil isn’t the same as “nice”. Civil is firm and grounded. Notice your body language – are you open or defensive?

Brené doesn’t encourage passivity when she speaks of being civil or being generous. She talks of courage and disagreeing with grace. I liked the quote she shared from Elie Wiesel, “We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”

Speaking truth to bullshit is very difficult when emotions are high. The chapter is well-worth a read as she goes into more detail about how to approach this with people in our lives.

NOTE IN BOLD: When it comes to the topic of vaccines, it never helps to start by speaking truth to bullshit!! Assume that the other side thinks that your opinion is bullshit. Listening and curiosity as to their point of view within the context of their life is waaaay more important. You may have to set boundaries afterwards about physically getting together, but can you imagine setting this boundary and also really understanding where the other person is coming from too? What would it be like to still be in relationship with this person even though you disagree?

The Cheat Sheet

Self-reflection first
Create a safe space to connect with a person
Ask curious questions
Set boundaries where needed

A Funny Story

I will share that after writing all of this, I shared it with my husband. We then proceeded to have an argument about something extremely stupid (whether or not to buy a product or not) and not even in the realm of big issues. Later, we couldn’t help but laugh at the irony. Those thoughts of, “If I can’t even have a civil conversation with something trivial, how can I do this with bigger issues!” can be blocks to trying it with bigger issues. Upon reflection, we jumped to step 4 without doing steps 1-3. Give yourself permission to get it wrong and then try again. Take space and regroup if you try and realize you’re just not ready to hear the other side. Go back to #1.

The Gift of Wisdom and Kindness

It is a gift to be kind to others and also ourselves. Remember to be compassionate with yourself if you try and fail dramatically. Be compassionate if you notice a time you could have tried to have a civil conversation and didn’t. Find courage and then try it another time.

Emotions can get in the way of connecting in a difficult conversation. Sometimes we can be ready to have a conversation and the other person is not. Sometimes it’s the other way around. Start small by picking a topic that’s less heated and work your way to the more difficult topics. Finally, speak your opinions from your experiences: “I experienced this in my life, which is why I made this choice”.

Good luck with all those get togethers!

This blog post was originally published on December 19, 2017. It has been updated with current content.

How Valuing Both Femininity & Masculinity Can Heal Ourselves And The World

May 9, 2019 by Juanita Lepage Leave a Comment

In the May 2019 issue of the National Geographic magazine, there is an inspiring article, “A New Day in Mozambique”, about the turn-around of the wildlife and jungle in Gorgongosa National Park in the country of Mozambique. Once devastated due to civil war, the animal population and environment have been supported and nourished and they are now thriving once again.

One of the leads on the project, Gregory Carr regards the success of this project as directly correlated to the attention to projects that promote the health and well-being of girls and women. Girls are educated and supported by “godmothers” – women who help protect them from forced marriages, frequent pregenancies, poor health, and encourage educational opportunities. As the women begin to thrive in their environment, the men thrive too. If women & men thrive, then the environment and wildlife can thrive too. They are all connected.

“Rights for women and children, poverty alleviation – is what Africa needs to save its national parks” Gregory C. Carr (p.112)

I’ve been reading a lot lately about the balancing of the masculine and feminine in our world and this article provided some physical evidence of what happens when both the masculine and feminine are valued in our world. Both the feminine and masculine aspects of our world need to be valued in order for our world to heal and thrive. When one is valued more than the other, imbalance happens and this impacts the health of everyone.

Masculine Aspects

Everyone has masculine and feminine traits in themselves of varying degrees. Men as a whole have more masculine traits, which is why they are labeled as masculine aspects, BUT this is not a rule for all men. Many men will have more feminine than masculine traits too. Women as a whole have more feminine traits, which is why they are labeled as feminine aspects, BUT AGAIN, this is not a rule for all women. Many women will have more masculine than feminine traits.

You will find that there are different interpretations about what is encompassed in masculine and feminine traits. The masculine traits fall under a very grounded and centred lens with a focus on reason and will. Intelligence, courage, strength, leadership, and assertiveness are a few traits that fall under this lens.

Feminine Aspects

The feminine aspects are more centred in flow and in the realms of the heart. Some qualities include emotional intelligence, compassion, empathy, passion, and creativity.

The Current Imbalance In Our World

We live in a world that has highly prized the masculine traits. The largest religions in our world value the masculine more than the feminine. Civil rights have favoured the masculine until the last century when women were given the right to vote. Capitalism often favors the masculine in valuing money over the health of people and the earth. School systems often prize the mind over creativity and emotional well-being. The toxic masculine conquers, rapes, and pillages and ultimately destroys itself.

Masculine qualities are needed in our world, however when they are not used in balance with the feminine qualities, they become distorted and sometimes toxic.

The Distorted Masculine

The distorted masculine shows itself when reason and will are used without connection to the heart and emotion. The phrase “It’s just business, it’s not personal” is an example of the distorted masculine.

Sharon Blackie writes in her book If Women Rose Rooted, “The masculine striving towards achievement, production and domination takes hold and spirals out of control, while the feminine qualities of relatedness are suppressed: relatedness to other humans, to the non-humans who share the planet with us, to nature and the rhythms of nature, as well as to the rhythms of the physical body and the stages and passages of our lives”(p.237).

The Distorted Feminine

The distorted feminine is the opposite of the distorted masculine. When decisions are made in a highly emotional way without connection to reason or groundedness, or if we spiral into over-identifying with being a victim and no other aspects of our personality, then we fall into the distorted feminine.

Sharon Blackie also writes, “The pathological or ‘monstrous’ feminine which is not balanced by the masculine principle can manifest itself in an excess of emotion and neediness, a tendency to manipulation, an over-focus on relationships, and a refusal to apply reason to a situation” (p.237, If Women Rose Rooted).

If you reflect on the healthy and distorted masculine and feminine qualities you may see that you have ventured into each category at some point during your day, month, year, or life. They again are not limited to gender.

Society’s Slow Shift To Value The Feminine

In North America, I have SLOWLY seen society start to shift in valuing the feminine, but there is fear in change. If you examine your country’s leaders, notice whether they exemplify more masculine or feminine traits and values. In Ontario, currently we are swooping into the distorted masculine once again with a focus on cutting out all things feminine – care for women, children, health, the earth and those most vulnerable have services being cut in dramatic fashion in the name of balancing budgets. Balancing budgets are important, but when the decisions are not made in a heart-centred way, this is an example of the distorted masculine.

Most leaders have their own distortions, indeed I don’t want to set a tone favouring conservatives or liberals or any other party. I would guess a book could be written analyzing past leaders and governments and their relationship to distorted masculine and feminine traits. In Ontario we often swoop from parties that are distorted in either femininity or masculinity to the distorted masculine and then back again. Often times there is a swing from,”We’re spending too much money on services and we don’t have the money” (distorted feminine – bleeding heart) to the opposite, “We’re going to cut all the programs related to supporting children, women, health, and the environment, and focus on the economy” (the distorted masculine – “it’s business, not personal”).

Shifting to a society where the feminine and masculine traits are balanced in leadership is new territory for most of us. What does that look like? How to balance budget needs and a heart-centred approach? Good question.

Dare To Lead

Brené Brown’s book Dare To Lead is a beautifully written book about how to integrate heart and courage. Brené works with many CEOs and many big organizations to help them combine both feminine and masculine traits. Balanced leadership is possible, but it is not as quick as disconnecting from hearts to make a decision. Balanced leadership involves courage and connection.

Brené shares a quote about vulnerability armour in this book (p. 78). She never directly talks about masculine & feminine, yet the process she shares she is exactly about balancing the masculine & feminine. Her message over and over again is that vulnerability and courage are the SAME thing.

She is also a strong advocate for setting boundaries. Becoming vulnerable doesn’t mean sharing everything with everyone. Vulnerability without boundaries is an example of the distorted feminine.

“As children we found ways to protect ourselves from vulnerability, from being hurt, diminished, and disappointed. We put on armor; we used our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors as weapons; and we learned how to make ourselves scarce, even to disappear. Now as adults we realize that to live with courage, purpose, and connection – to be the person who we long to be – we must again be vulnerable. We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up, and let ourselves be seen”

Brené Brown

Resources

I haven’t gone out and scoured the research and all the books for what books there are available on the topic of balancing the masculine and feminine. If you have any you’d recommend please share! Here are a few books to get you started.

Sharon Blackie‘s books “When Women Rose Rooted” and “The Enchanted Life” (mainly a focus on the feminine). Here is a link to a summary of how to balance the masculine & feminine.
Brené Brown‘s book “Dare To Lead is a beautifully written book about how to integrate heart and courage. Brené works with many CEOs and many big organizations to help them combine both feminine and masculine traits. Balanced leadership is possible, but it is not as quick as disconnecting from hearts to make a decision. Balanced leadership involves courage and connection.
” target=”_blank”>Dare to Lead“. She also has some excellent TED Talks and a Netflix special – Call to Courage. If you like audiobooks, friends have highly recommended any of Brené’s books on audio. She is an excellent speaker. (focus on balancing the masculine & feminine)
Becoming by Michelle Obama is an example of person who tries to balance both the masculine & feminine in her life. Vulnerability and courage galore. She shares many of her struggles and successes. (focus on balancing the masculine & feminine)
Crossing to Avalon: A woman’s midlife quest for the sacred feminine by Jean Shinoda Bolen, M.D. (a focus on the feminine)
One book that my husband enjoyed was Robert Moore & Douglas Gillette’s King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine. (a focus on the masculine)

Summary

My own personal journey has been one of re-learning to focus on how to balance the feminine and masculine in myself. I grew up learning to value my masculine traits over my feminine ones. My journey has been one to re-connect to my heart, body, and spirit.

In private practice, my approach is often to help people connect to their heart and inner wisdom after being saturated in a mind-loving world. Often times there is so much noise in our heads that we forget about our ability to connect to our hearts.

Energy healing often also focuses on balancing reason, will (both masculine traits) and emotions (feminine traits). Energy healing also helps with individuals who struggle getting out of their head and into their bodies. If you feel like you have “talked something to death” without changing much in your life, then energy healing can often help.

Mentors

Who do you know in your life who embodies the balancing of the masculine & feminine, courage & heart? If you can recommend any public figures, I’d love to hear your recommendations about who has been inspirational to you. Until next time…

References

Blackie, S. (2016). If Women Rose Rooted. Denmark, September Publishing.
Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead. New York, NY, Penguin Random House LLC.
Quammen, D. (2019, May). A New Day in Mozambique. National Geographic. pp. 94-119.

The Epidemic Of Parent Shaming

September 13, 2018 by Juanita Lepage Leave a Comment

I’ll admit, when the latest parent shaming article came out, I clicked on it and read it. Have you heard about lawnmower parents who “mow” all the obstacles away for their children?

After reading it part of me basked in the pleasure of, “I wouldn’t drive a water bottle to school for my teen” and part of me judged myself where I may have indulged my children, when I “should” have let my kids figure out their own problems. Later I judged myself for judging that mom who brought the water bottle for her teen. I thought, “I don’t know the story behind this. I’m sure that lots of kids who grew up with the opposite of lawnmower parents wish they had a lawnmower mom or dad.”

Do you see what’s happening here?

The good ol’ parent shame factory is in full-tilt with September coming in strong.

I could continue this article by shaming all the people who re-posted the lawnmower parenting article. But I might as well point the finger at myself. It can feel really good when you find a post about some aspect of parenting that preaches what you’re already doing as a parent. That negative pleasure about feeling smug about one of my parenting choices can feeling really good.

So, I thought it was a good time to re-post my article The Myth of Perfect Parenting. That’s right – the idea that there is a best parenting style is a myth. This truth is ridiculously easy to forget.

From Judgment to Empathy

Unless we see a parent physically or emotionally abusing their child or neglecting them to the point of it being unsafe, I wonder what it would be like to shift to compassionate curiousity when some one’s parenting style hits a nerve inside of us. Often we are triggered by a parent who is “too soft” or “too strict” or “too wishy-washy”. What parenting style triggers you?

Judging other Parents is also Judging ourselves

When we judge other parents, we are in a weird way actually judging our own insecurities about parenting. When we judge other parents, we are inviting an opportunity to judge ourselves when we don’t meet our own standards of parenting. We can make it harder to forgive ourselves when we don’t “practice what we preach”. Moms are particularly hard on themselves and each other. As parents, we can benefit from giving ourselves an empathic voice when our judging voice kicks in to keep us down.

The Unsaid Pressure placed on our Children

We place a lot of pressure on our kids to “turn out fine” because we did our best at parenting and having been given so many privileges and opportunities compared to another kid. As a psychotherapist mother who works with parents I can feel that self-induced pressure on myself and my children. If we take that pressure off of our children, we may find a way to be more compassionate about our own parenting styles and just be ourselves.

Our parenting style impacts our children and at the same-time, it does not guarantee our children a problem-free future.

If our kids are struggling, then it’s a good time to reflect on whether a change in our parenting style may help them, and at the same time, our kids problems may not be related to our parenting choices.

Humour & Healing

To add a little light & lightness to this topic, here’s a couple of videos to all the lawnmower, helicopter, free-range, zen, competitive, and every other type of parent category out there. Yes, the videos are all women. If you have a great one about types of fathers, please share!

The first is created by women who clearly aren’t parents. It can be humbling to have an outside lens.

Cat and Nat, some hilarious moms talking about mom-shaming.

Brené Brown digs deep in this heart-felt Ted Talk about Shame.

The last five minutes she delves into the realities of shame for men and women.

A Call to Listen: Controversial Conversations With Family and Friends