Anger

How Do Spiritual Leaders Deal With Their Anger?

October 17, 2022 by Juanita Lepage Leave a Comment

Years ago I googled, “Dalai Lama Angry”. I was in a state of honestly wondering what spiritual leaders do with their anger. I was tired of being in spiritual and psychotherapy communities that by-passed their anger. In the spiritual world I rolled my eyes every time I read some trite advice about “letting it go” or “opening your heart”. In the psychotherapy world I felt anger when models said “anger is a secondary emotion” or “you just need to shift your thoughts to change your emotion”.

Um, anger can actually be a very accurate response to a situation – anger can sometimes be incredibly healthy. Too often the anger gets the focus and not the problem underneath.

I remember feeling relief as I watched a Youtube video of the Dalai Lama lashing out towards someone. Part of me felt relieved at seeing such a strong Spiritual Leader having such a human moment.

Shifting The Stigma About Anger

I have been thrilled to see a slight opening in dialogue about anger emerge from spiritual leaders.

Here are few!

Jack Kornfield

Jack Kornfield is a leader in the Buddhist meditation world. He was interviewed by Tim Ferriss in June. Here’s a link to their conversation: How to Overcome Apathy and Find Beautiful Purpose.

Jack tells a great story about returning from a few years in retreat in a monastery and finding himself struggling with his anger as he started to be around people (right?!!). He shares that for him, he realized that he had a strong discomfort and judgment towards his own anger. He did some body-based psychotherapy to help him process his anger and learn new ways to be present with it. He doesn’t share his ongoing journey with anger, but I love that he shares that he needed something different than meditation to help him.

Tim then shares how the process of therapeutically expressing anger, generally just makes him more angry and more stuck in his anger. Jack gives him some ideas from a Buddhist approach.

Dan Harris

First of all, Dan would likely hate be called a spiritual leader. He is a news anchor who had a panic attack on live television and that was the impetus to start exploring meditation. He is wonderful for anyone who is more cynical about spirituality, and he has a great sense of humour.

Recently he gave a Ted Talk: The Benefits of Not Being a Jerk Towards Yourself. This one is short and sweet (13:39). Dan shares about his cringing hesitation to try being kinder to himself and his journey to get there. After practising meditation for years, he decided to do a 360 review (a corporate type of performance evaluation). He was noted as being arrogant, rude, and a diva. He then set out to change this and shares the multitude of things he tried and that a (spoiler alert) silent meditation retreat with a a loving-kindness approach towards himself, was a big piece in helping him shift. He realized that if he was nicer to himself, he was then able to be nicer to others. After his second 360 review, he shares his transformation.

Joe Dispenza

I’m new to the Joe Dispenza world, and his work is often interpreted as by-passing sadness, anger, grief, and the more challenging emotions. Here’s a great article he wrote trying to dispel that understanding: Emotions Are Not Your Enemy. He doesn’t share at all about his own journey with anger, but he tries to normalize the process of feeling emotions and highlights his work is often beneficial for anyone who finds that they are stuck in those emotions and past experiences. If you’re a new subscriber and missed my most recent post that includes him – here’s the link to learn more My Crush On Physics.

And More?

If you’ve seen a spiritual leader share about their own journey with anger, please share that with me, I’d love to hear more.

And if you’re curious to explore anger a little more, I seem to write at least one post a year about his topic, so here are a couple of them.

How To Dance With Anger

September 11, 2019 by Juanita Lepage Leave a Comment

Anger. This emotion is so often disregarded. We disregard another person’s anger or we disregard our own anger. We can try to do anything to avoid another person’s anger or avoid our own anger. We can try to convince ourselves that the time we yelled or treated someone horribly, that we had good reason.

This article will give you one path to truly let go of your anger. I’ll be giving you 3 steps, and sorry, you can’t skip the first 2 and jump to number three, even though you might be tempted. Emotions need to be felt before they are met with reason. As someone once said,

“No one in the history of being told to calm down, has ever calmed down”.

The Pendulum of Anger

Anger can make us really uncomfortable. We are told, “Get over it”, “Let it go”, “What’s the point in being angry? It doesn’t change anything”.

We can be told that our horrible actions were justified because another person “had it coming”.

What Do We Do With Anger?

The remedy to anger is to:

1) Acknowledge your anger

2) Feel your anger in a way that suits your personality, and

3) Reflect on what about the situation made you angry.

Step 1: Acknowledge Your Anger

This is the unfiltered part of what is making you angry, even if it’s “irrational”. “I hate the way that person looked at me.” “That person is being an asshole.” And all the softer or louder interpretations of those words.

The goal is not to say these words to person who triggered you. It’s to either say these words out loud (e.g. in the bathroom, while walking, or in your head, whichever approach suits the situation you’re in.

Step 2: Feel Your Anger In a Way that Suits Your Personality

Sometimes a loud person thinks they need to show their anger more quietly and a quiet person thinks they need to express their anger loudly. If you want to try either of those on, go ahead, but there is not one best way to express your anger.

That being said, it is always your responsibility not to take your anger out on another person.

So where can you express your anger in a respectful way?

There are an infinite number of ways to express anger, the adventure is finding out what is most suited to your personality. It can be saying it your head while you feel the anger. It can be going for a run and screaming in the forest. It can be shouting in your car with the music on. It can be daring to put it onto paper and ripping it up. It can be taking out the energy of that anger into a sport you play.

What feels right to you? Experiment with different options.

Step 3: Reflect on What About the Situation Made You Angry

We can’t move on until we have owned and felt our often long-repressed anger. We need to get curious about where our anger comes from. Are we projecting child-hood frustrations and problems onto the people around us? Are we minimizing our feelings because we’ve been taught that our feelings aren’t important?

Do you have the tendency to blame when you feel anger?

Do you have the tendency to take responsibility for other people’s feelings, thoughts, and behaviours?

Both of these tendencies are LEARNED from somewhere. If we can realize the source of our reactions, this gives us insight when another similar situation occurs and the chance to respond differently. Maybe you’ve under-reacted to situations where you could have set boundaries. Maybe you’ve over-reacted to situations that were a little too close to home.

Compassion, Not Perfection

Anger is a misunderstood emotion in our society, so it can take time to change a habit that has often been engrained for years if not decades. So if you catch yourself in another situation and you respond the same you’ve always responded, pause and show yourself some compassion. “Of course I reacted that way, that’s really not too surprising because I’ve responded that way for decades! Next time I’ll try again”.

After giving yourself compassion, reflect on what you need to do.

Do you need to apologize if you have treated a person poorly? Notice if you want to blame your angry behaviour on someone else.

Notice if you want to blame someone else’s angry behaviour on yourself. Do you need to make an intentional choice NOT to apologize? Consider ways to set a boundary with that person.

As always, when you stuck or overwhelmed by a situation or an emotion, it’s good to seek support from someone who is compassionate, honest, and encouraging.
What have you found to be the best way to help you with your anger?

Resources

If you want a few more curious questions to help you with Step #3 (What about the situation made me angry) OR you’re a parent and want to explore how to support your child’s anger, here’s a previous blog I wrote Anger What Is It Good For? A quick tip is to notice your tendency to problem-solve, and try validating. “I can guess why you would be angry about that” AND give them 3 reasons why you think they might be angry. The goal is not to be accurate or even agree with why they might be angry. The goal is to connect with that person and show them you care about them. Acknowledged anger diffuses it.
The book The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner is an excellent read for anyone exploring their own response to anger. It is written with the lens of supporting women, but it’s really a book for anyone.

Me? Angry? 10 Songs For Your Angry Moments

February 8, 2018 by Juanita Leave a Comment

This past weekend I went to the Phoenix in Toronto to see two cover bands play: the U2 cover band Elevation, and the Oasis cover band Supersonic. The crowd was singing their heart out to the Oasis song – Don’t look back in Anger. I think this is a funny song to be sung by Oasis, a band that has been notoriously angry. My husband had seen them in concert when he was in university, and the lead singer, Liam Gallagher, walked off the stage after getting angry at the crowd. I’m doubtful that he was singing this song at the time.

Listening to angry music or music about anger can be therapeutic for many people. Parents struggling with what their teens listen to seems to be a right of passage in every generation. I remember when I was a teenager, I was outside doing some work with one of my younger sisters (who is much cooler than I am). She had chosen to listen to Rage against the Machine and I went along with it – it was actually pretty good, although perhaps angrier than the types of music I would have normally chosen.

Many parents have asked me about their teens listening to screamo music or other hate-filled music and its impact on their child. The main thing is to help your child notice if whether they feel better or angrier after listening to the piece of angry music. If you’re feeling angrier, then consider a different choice. Or start with angry music and then shift to something that will help you feel better.

There are tons of angry songs out there, from passive-aggressive pop songs to rageful, expletive-filled screaming pieces. People are so creative at expressing anger.

So, when Liam Gallagher walked off that stage – which one do you think he was most likely to be singing in his head?

(In order from “singing about anger nicely” to “ragefully singing a song”)

1. Justin Timberlake – Cry me a River

Oh Justin, your bitterness works so well in this song. He never actually says he’s angry, but you can feel it simmering behind these words to Britney.

2. Kelly Clarkson – Since You’ve Been Gone

There are so many choices in the category of, “Look i’m hot, I’m doing really well without you, and you’re going to regret this”. I could’ve picked so many songs by Taylor Swift.

3. Carrie Underwood – Before He Cheats

This is “Look i’m hot, I’m doing really well without you, and you’re going to regret this”, but with revenge too.

4. Alanis Morrisette – You Oughta Know

If you grew up in the nineties, this was the epitomy of angst and bitterness. I think I listened to Jagged Little Pill 100 times.

5. Pink – So What

Pink adds an extra edge to the pop songs about anger. She makes fun of her anger and flows with it.

6. Cee Lo Green – F*ck You

It’s always amusing when you the radio version of the song is a sugar-coated version of the original message. I guess depending on what mood you’re in you can choose the original or the revised version “Forget You”. Anger mixed with sugary-sweetness. And he has kids singing it in this video! Controversy!

7. Smashing Pumpkins – Bullet with Butterfly Wings

I still have the album, Melancholy & The Infinite Sadness – this song probably captures my teen angst the most.

8. Twisted Sister – We’re Not Going to Take It

Eighties rockers sending a message about not taking it anymore – how much make-up and great hair will be involved?

9. Three Days Grace – I Hate Everything About You

Three Days Grace doesn’t mince words.

10. Rage Against the Machine – Killing in the Name Of

Ragefully singing an angry song. If someone is sure he’s angry, it’s this lead singer. If only there was a mosh-pit available for anyone listening to this song.

I have no doubt that as you look at this list you can see HUGE gaps – where’s the rap, metal, or screamo music? Don’t I have any choices past 2008? There are a lot of angry songs. I was googling “angry rap songs” – and to be honest I didn’t want to listen to them all to choose a favourite. So, if you see a song that is an obvious miss in this list – please post it in the comments.

When you’re angry, what piece of music speaks to you?

“Don’t hate us ‘cause we’re beautiful, because we don’t like you either! We are cheerleaders! We are cheerleaders” Kirsten Dunst and the cheerleaders from the movie Bring It On.

Anger, What Is It Good For?

October 25, 2017 by Juanita Lepage 2 Comments

My kids and I have been reading a lot of Calvin and Hobbes comic books these days. My kids laugh away at all of Calvin’s silly antics and vivid imagination. They think that his club, Getting Rid of Sliming girlS (GROSS), is hilarious. As a parent I notice that Calvin is angry a lot. My kids notice that there isn’t one adult who really gets Calvin. When Calvin shows anger, no one listens to him and he often gets punished.

Do you remember what you were taught about anger as a child?

Who was allowed to be angry in your home?

Who wasn’t allowed to be angry in your home?

What were the repercussions for showing your anger?

Now fast-forward to your current relationship with your partner and/or children and answer the same questions.

Who is allowed to be angry in your home?

Who isn’t allowed to be angry in your home?

What are the repercussions in your home for showing anger?

The unwritten rules about anger

Many of the rules about anger expression are unwritten in our families and in our cultures. We don’t have to be told what the rules are, but we all know them even if they have not been said.

Some common unsaid rules are:

You’re not supposed to be angry because anger means you are not grateful
Only parents (or one parent) are allowed to be angry
Only my children are allowed to be angry, but not me. As an adult I should know better.
Anger is only for people who had have something “really bad” happen to them.
If you show your anger, you are bad in some way.
If your child shows anger, they are bad in some way.
Anger needs to be controlled and managed.
Showing anger means you’re out of control

What are the unsaid rules about anger in your home?

Anger’s makeover

My inbox has received a variety of advertising for courses and webinars about anger. The trend right now is a shift from anger management to acknowledging anger, feeling anger in your body, validating anger, and transforming anger.

Emotion-focused family therapy is a great tool for exploring a family’s expression of anger and its impact on child and youth mental health. A child who never expresses anger may demonstrate depression. A child who always expresses anger but never feels heard may show more behavioural problems. A child who is angry about going to school may have anxiety. A powerful way to help children with mental health issues is to explore ways to support our children’s anger and our own anger too.

We don’t need to be comfortable with anger or resolve all of our own issues with anger to support our children with their anger. Small changes can make big impacts.

Anger needs to be met with curiosity. Often there are many other emotions underneath anger, but anger is the emotion being expressed. Anger in ourselves and others needs to be met with a lot of compassion and validation in combination with boundary setting.

The next time you get angry at someone, first acknowledge you have a right to be angry, and then ask yourself what expectation has not been met? What is it about the situation that makes you angry? What other emotions are you feeling? Working with a counsellor or therapist can be a great way to explore this in more depth. If you notice that you have been feeling a lot of anger towards a partner, your kids, or others, then counselling can help you transform anger, shift your outlook, or make changes if needed.

If you are a person who is interested in exploring your own journey with anger as a parent, there is a new movement in conscious parenting. Anger is being understood to be a feeling that emerges when an expectation has not been met. It is an emotion that can be fuel in making changes in our society and within ourselves.

If you are a fan of Dr. Shefali (author of both The Awakened Parent and Conscious Parenting), she has an excellent course for parents about the anatomy of anger and how to transform it in a conscious way. It is called Anger Transformed.

Anger has had a very bad reputation. The good news is that its’ reputation is on the edge of being transformed.