With summer coming to a close, the energy of fall will be upon us shortly. Fall is an excellent time to reflect on all the things we kept or added to our plate in 2019 and choose which items to keep, add, or let go.
One of the best books I’ve read in 2019 is Greg McKeown’s Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. It’s a business book and not a therapy book, but the tools for getting essential in business are the same anywhere else in your life. Today I’m going to share a few tools to help you determine how to filter out the excess in your life or counter any FOMO (fear of missing out) that you’re experiencing.
Using Our Values As Our Guides
Step # 1: Choosing Your Top 3 Priorities
When life gets overwhelming, it’s important to sit down and ask yourself, “What are my top 3 values in my life right now?” Even better if you can rate each item #1, #2, & #3. If you’re tempted to pick more, don’t! Then the exercise defeats the purpose.
Some Options: Family, Romantic Relationship, Work/Career, Health, Spirituality, Animals, Environment, School/Education, Philanthropy, Friends, Sports, Travel, Investing, Adventure, Having Fun, Self-Growth
There’s a million more you could you choose from, and each of the above items could be narrowed to be more specific – “My child who’s struggling in school, my dog, spending time with my 2 best friends, playing basketball, planning a trip to Greece, my mental health or my physical health, and so on.
After some reflection I chose #1 Family, #2 Work/Career, and #3 Health. I decided to have Family include my relationship with my kids and with my husband and then extended family. What did you choose?
Step #2: Using Your Top 3 Priorities To Shape Your Lens
Now create a list of things you’re wondering about whether to keep doing or to start doing and ask yourself, “Does this item fit into my top 3 Priorities?” If it doesn’t, cross if off of your list. If you don’t want to cross it off, take a moment to reflect if you need to choose a different top priority so that you can keep it, or whether there’s another reason you don’t want to let go of it.
Step #3: Experiment for 1 week
Each day notice when you have multiple choices at once and then pause. Choose the item that fits your top priority. I had a day where I was supposed to go out and see a group of women I enjoy spending time with, however one of my sons had a really rough day and needed some extra attention. In that moment I reflected on my priorities and decided that my son in that moment was my priority. This decision paid off as through spending time together we were able to connect, communicate and problem-solve.
At other times I may have chosen differently if my mental health tank was getting close to empty and nourishing my own mental health was more important. Then I may have chosen to see friends so that later I could come home and be a better mom after meeting my own needs. In that moment I may have moved health to #1 and family to #2.
Each day for one week spend time to reflect at the end of the day whether you spent your time during your day devoted to your top 3 values and times that you didn’t. Where you can make a change?
Tool #2: Simple Ways to Manage FOMO
This is a tool right from Greg McKeown’s book Essentialism (p. 111).
What is the Opportunity being offered you right now?
What are your 3 minimum criteria for this option to be considered?
What are your 3 extreme or ideal criteria for this option to be approved?
In order for you to say yes to this opportunity, it needs to meet all 3 of your minimum critieria and at least 2 of your extreme critiera. With this in mind, create your criteria.
Here is mine I created for Training opportunities related to my work. (Note: First I narrowed my focus on work by creating my top priority for my job as a therapist – Providing High-Quality Psychotherapy to my clients. I created other priorities too, but will keep them out for simplicity)
Minimum:
- Does it target one of my top 2 priorities for work?
- Does the leader of this training an expert in this field?
- Does the training incorporate engaging and interactive learning?
Maximum
- Is it within my budget?
- Do I have gut “yes!!” reaction to this opportunity
- Are there clear guidelines, expectations, and accountability built into this course?
I’m the kind of person who sometimes says yes to a course because it’s really cheap and has a small time commitment. Often this leaves me disappointed in the course because I didn’t do any further research. I’m also the kind of person who likes to go with my gut reaction to make decisions. This information is important, but it can’t be my only critieria because once I start the training I’m annoyed at myself if the training is boring or there’s no accountability built in or it’s uninspiring.
What are few opportunities that you’ve joined or considered getting involved in? This exercise can also be used for opportunities you’re wondering whether to stay involved with or keep in your life.
Tool # 3 For The People Pleaser – Setting Boundaries
When people make their problem our problem, we aren’t helping them; we’re enabling them (McKeown, 2014 p. 168).
I don’t know about you, but I’m definitely a people pleaser for some things in my life. Many of us learn this early in life and continue this pattern and later realize that boy, we’re awfully tired and don’t seem to have time for anything fun.
Boundaries are essential in helping us determine where to put our energy into our life. Do you ever get the feeling that someone, while innocently asking you a question, really hasn’t put any energy into their own research? Do you have that one parent who always asks you to watch their kids but never watches yours? Do you have that person who asks you to take the extra shift because you don’t have kids so you must have more time? Do have that friend or colleague who stops mid-conversation to answer a text?
Did any of your top values include you and your well-being? If they didn’t, get curious about this and consider adding something related to you. If you always value others before yourself, then this a recipe for burnout.
Notice in your personal or work life where your boundaries are being crossed. Then ask yourself – is the request that person is making fit one of your top 3 priorities?
Self-reflection: What are my boundaries in my work relationships, romantic relationships, with family or friends? In what situations do I always put others first? Psychotherapy can help if you get stuck with this question.
If you can’t articulate {your boundaries} to yourself and others, it may be unrealistic to expect other people to respect them or even figure them out (McKeown, 2014, p. 169-170).
Conclusion
Connecting with our values, knowing our minimum & maximum critieria to say yes to opportunities and knowing and setting our boundaries are 3 ways that can offer clarity and help the overwhelm diminish in our lives. I noticed the anxiety I sometimes feel when I look at a busy week, start to disappear when I take time to shape my week in a way that fits my values and respects my boundaries.
If you’re interested in learning more, Greg McKeown has many more strategies in his book Essentialism. Good luck!
References
McKeown, G. (2014). Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. New York: Penguin Random House LLC.
