Search Results for: perfect parenting

The Myth of Perfect Parenting

October 18, 2017 by Juanita Lepage Leave a Comment

How many books and articles are there about parenting in this world? Fifty-two million, three hundred and twenty-two thousand, one hundred and forty-five. Okay, so I don’t know the exact number, but there are too many to count. What is it that we are all seeking as parents?

How to get our children to sleep better,
How to get them respect us and others,
How to deal with their anger and emotions,
How to parent a child with different mental health issues,
Raising a creative child,
Raising a sensitive child,
Better communication
How to help kids when there is divorce and separation
and on and on…

There are many books and articles that will indeed help us as parents with sleep, communication, creativity, mental health and so much more. I remember watching a YouTube video in the middle of the night about swaddling when my oldest was a few days old – it was very helpful. I also keep reminders around my place to remind me to validate my children. My favourite sequence is from Emotion-Focused Family Therapy:

Observe the Emotion
Label the Emotion
Validate the Emotion
Meet the Emotional Need
(Fix/Problem Solve) – (which is written in italics because it’s optional.)

Learning ways to guide and support our children is always helpful.

But then, in the search for good parenting, there is a mythology that somewhere amid all the parenting tricks and tips that somewhere there is a perfect balance of boundary setting and validation with our children. Somewhere there is a perfect balance of compassion and firmness. If we find it, what will we have… Peace? Freedom? Validation? Happiness? Harmony? What do you hope to have?

I want peace and relaxation and fun. Wouldn’t it be something if I announced that we’re having chicken for dinner and my kids shouted, “Hooray!” Or if we took them for a hike and they were so grateful for being outdoors. Wouldn’t it be great if they just went to sleep and slept until 8am? How about enthusiasm and gratefulness for having food, clothing, and shelter? How about if I made a rule about less screen time and they agreed with me because they could see how it made sense for their greater well-being.

I must admit that if my kids started acting like all my ideas were great, that I would wonder if I had entered a portal into a different dimension.

The truth of it all is that our children would continue to do many things we don’t like even if we became perfect parents.

So where does that leave us? Is there no point in changing our parenting style? Do we have no control about the outcome of the future? Does that mean we don’t need to change anything as parents? No! Our children benefit so much from our interest in shifting and changing things that aren’t working in our families. In fact, we should be giving ourselves a high-five and some kind words. The purpose of this article isn’t to tell you that all those articles and books are crap or tell you all that work you did was a waste of time. In fact, the opposite is true.

But, if we’re reading a parenting book with the hope of controlling the future outcomes of our children or our relationships with our children, then we are likely to be disappointed.

A lot of parenting books and articles will help us to a certain level with our children. At the same time, if you want to have longer lasting change within the relationship with your child, or you’re in a space where the guidance in books and articles aren’t working, then it may be a time to look within yourself.

If we explore our own wounds and defenses as we parent our children, it can be amazing to see the dynamics shift with our children. We teach our children that we are not perfect and that is okay. We teach them that it is okay to ask for help. We teach them that we are not God and they don’t need to respect us because we are their parents but because we show behavior that is respectable. We can hold boundaries with our children with respect and love. We can react more often with kindness and openness and less out of defensiveness. Ultimately it can help us have a deeper connection with our children.

The types of things we search for about help with parenting say a lot about our hopes and wishes about parenting. We often start by looking at the problems we are having with our children, and then we can use that problem to shift the lens onto ourselves.

A few questions to reflect on might be:

What are you seeking for yourself when you look at a parenting book or article?
What are you trying to control that don’t have control over right now?
What do you seek more from your child – respect or acceptance? What happens if you don’t get it? How do you feel if you don’t get it?
What are you more sensitive to with your children, disrespect or rejection?
What are your expectations in your relationship with your children?
What are your expectations about parenting?

Think of the best parent you know – do you think that their children always do what they want? Do you think that parent never gets defensive? What is it that you admire about that parent? This will also give us clues about what we are seeking as we raise our children. If you’re feeling bold, ask that parent you admire what it’s like in their household. If they say, “Everything’s fine all the time”, they’re lying.

As a therapist who is a parent, I can tell you that I still yell sometimes and I lose my temper. I will try and tell my children to do things because I said so. My kids didn’t sleep through the night after 1 year. I have said things that I regret to my children. My kids have been angry at me. I get into parenting situations where I really don’t know what to do or say. But THAT is parenting. Amid all the joys and pleasures of parenting there are also the struggles no matter the parenting style. Self-reflection helps me have compassion for myself in those times when I feel more inclined to feel ashamed or judgmental of myself.

We have lived in a culture where there is a myth that there is a possibility of finding perfect parenting. There is a myth that we can prepare ourselves for any situation with our child. There is a myth that parenting is about control. These expectations are false. Parenting can be messy and chaotic. We will all make mistakes – that is a guarantee. We will all do things we will regret later. That’s life as a human. The goal of parenting is not perfection. One style of parenting does not fit all.

If you want to see longer lasting change with the problems you are experiencing with your children, consider the courageous act of self-reflection and change. As you make changes within yourself you are likely to feel more freedom, peace, and satisfaction as a parent.

If you enjoy the show Modern Family, consider watching Season 3 episode 23 (on Netflix if you have it). The dynamic between Cameron and his sister-in-law Claire as they try to behave as adults while they parent completely differently is especially comedic. If you follow the show over the years you will see that neither of their parenting styles are better than the other. As a viewer we can find strengths and faults in both styles. Both parents want the best for their children using very different approaches.

A Podcast & 3 Books To Stir Up Some Conversation

February 8, 2019 by Juanita Lepage Leave a Comment

It’s winter time, and while I’m working, it also feels a little bit like hibernation time. In southern Ontario the temperature can fluctuate 40 degrees Celsius in the span of a few days. Just last week it was -30 and then we had 3 balmy days of 10 degrees. And then an ice storm. During my free time I’ve been doing a lot of reading and listening to podcasts. Here is a glimpse into what I’ve been into for the past 2 months. There’s Russell Brand‘s podcast Under The Skin, Tara Westover‘s memoir Educated, Daemon Fairless‘ book Mad Blood Stirring, and Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson‘s parenting book The Yes Brain.

Podcasts

Under The Skin by Russell Brand

I’ve been a fan of Russell Brand since the movie, Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Russell Brand’s podcast Under The Skin Podcast mixes three things I enjoy: spirituality, irreverance, and humour. Or any serious topic with a splash of irreverence and curiosity. I’ve listened to his interviews with Tony Robbins, Kehinde Andrews, and Gabor Maté. Gabor Maté’s interview (#053) has been my favourite so far – Damaged Leaders Rule An Addicted World.
Next on my list is an interview with Marianne Williamson.

3 Books

Educated by Tara Westover. As a woman who grew up in a conservative Christian church, this book touched a lot of my edges. This is a memoir of her life growing up in rural Idaho in a Mormon household, with a father who had an undiagnosed mental illness, and never attending school. Through many acts of grace she gets her PhD. The mormon upbringing, like many religions is very patriarchal. She shares her journey of how she survived when the head of her household could not make a lot of rational decisions when he was in the manic phase of his mental illness. Her education through most of her childhood is of a different sort than her school-attending peers.

Mad Blood Stirring: The Inner Lives of Violent Men by Daemon Fairless. I recently saw an Osteopath, and one of his questions was whether I’d been in any bar fights. I laughed and said no. He said I’d be surprised at how many people say yes to that question. I was reading this book at the time, and I could believe that fact.

Try this: Ask yourself (whichever gender you are) and also ask a man in your life whether they think about the safety of those they cherish and what they’d do to protect them on any given basis (being at home, walking the streets, being near people fighting on the subway) . I was talking with a group of women who asked their male partners this question and we were all a little surprised about their responses. Many men, even if they have not grown up in dangerous or violent situations, think about this all the time according the book and according to the men our lives, but it is not something that gets talked about.

Take one look at this cover and you’ll either be drawn to read it or repelled. Daemon is a Canadian author who takes the reader on a personal journey reflecting on his own desire to be violent while adding research and interviews with men who are in prison for their violence. This book is all over the place, yet it’s worth persisting if anything to learn more about his own personal journey.

The Yes Brain by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Tina Payne Bryson falls into the my favourite category of parenting – conscious parenting. In a nutshell, conscious parenting is being curious about when you are triggered by your child’s actions or emotions, and then doing your own work on why you were triggered instead of taking it out on your child.

Hitting never works in the long run, even if you rationalize that you grew up with it and turned out fine. Yelling is about you and less about your child. Conscious parenting does not mean that boundaries are not set or that your child will always be happy. Not setting boundaries sends a message to our children as well. If we have an anxious child and never have our children do anything uncomfortable, we send a message that we don’t believe they can do it either.

Like any book in the realm of conscious parenting, the journey is about being compassionate to yourself, because EVERY parent is triggered by their children (yes, me too). If you’ve yelled, hit, or have difficulty setting boundaries, get curious and consider that there are different approaches. There is NO such thing as a perfect parent. Here’s a link to my previous post The Myth of Perfect Parenting, which includes tips if you’re curious about the conscious parenting approach.

I liked how this book gives practical tips of teaching our children about self-soothing and identifying when they could make a different choice. The authors give guidance about teaching children about entering the red zone (anger/tantrums/bullying) and blue zones (anxiety, hiding, sadness). The tips include breathing methods, compassion, validation, and courage to make a different choice.

Sometimes when reading these types of books I get annoyed at very “therapyesque” conversations with children. This book has some of that too. I rarely speak like this with my kids either – it’s more important to take the essence of what the authors suggest and say it in your own words, otherwise it can come across as annoying and patronizing to our kids.

Summary

Russell Brand’s podcast and each of these books are pivot points to our own self-reflection about religion, education, parenting, politics, spirituality, violence & masculinity and more. They’re also great in discussion with friends, family, or peers. Let me know which one piques your interest the most or whether you’ve already listened to Russell Brand’s podcast or read any of the books. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Until next time….

The Epidemic Of Parent Shaming

September 13, 2018 by Juanita Lepage Leave a Comment

I’ll admit, when the latest parent shaming article came out, I clicked on it and read it. Have you heard about lawnmower parents who “mow” all the obstacles away for their children?

After reading it part of me basked in the pleasure of, “I wouldn’t drive a water bottle to school for my teen” and part of me judged myself where I may have indulged my children, when I “should” have let my kids figure out their own problems. Later I judged myself for judging that mom who brought the water bottle for her teen. I thought, “I don’t know the story behind this. I’m sure that lots of kids who grew up with the opposite of lawnmower parents wish they had a lawnmower mom or dad.”

Do you see what’s happening here?

The good ol’ parent shame factory is in full-tilt with September coming in strong.

I could continue this article by shaming all the people who re-posted the lawnmower parenting article. But I might as well point the finger at myself. It can feel really good when you find a post about some aspect of parenting that preaches what you’re already doing as a parent. That negative pleasure about feeling smug about one of my parenting choices can feeling really good.

So, I thought it was a good time to re-post my article The Myth of Perfect Parenting. That’s right – the idea that there is a best parenting style is a myth. This truth is ridiculously easy to forget.

From Judgment to Empathy

Unless we see a parent physically or emotionally abusing their child or neglecting them to the point of it being unsafe, I wonder what it would be like to shift to compassionate curiousity when some one’s parenting style hits a nerve inside of us. Often we are triggered by a parent who is “too soft” or “too strict” or “too wishy-washy”. What parenting style triggers you?

Judging other Parents is also Judging ourselves

When we judge other parents, we are in a weird way actually judging our own insecurities about parenting. When we judge other parents, we are inviting an opportunity to judge ourselves when we don’t meet our own standards of parenting. We can make it harder to forgive ourselves when we don’t “practice what we preach”. Moms are particularly hard on themselves and each other. As parents, we can benefit from giving ourselves an empathic voice when our judging voice kicks in to keep us down.

The Unsaid Pressure placed on our Children

We place a lot of pressure on our kids to “turn out fine” because we did our best at parenting and having been given so many privileges and opportunities compared to another kid. As a psychotherapist mother who works with parents I can feel that self-induced pressure on myself and my children. If we take that pressure off of our children, we may find a way to be more compassionate about our own parenting styles and just be ourselves.

Our parenting style impacts our children and at the same-time, it does not guarantee our children a problem-free future.

If our kids are struggling, then it’s a good time to reflect on whether a change in our parenting style may help them, and at the same time, our kids problems may not be related to our parenting choices.

Humour & Healing

To add a little light & lightness to this topic, here’s a couple of videos to all the lawnmower, helicopter, free-range, zen, competitive, and every other type of parent category out there. Yes, the videos are all women. If you have a great one about types of fathers, please share!

The first is created by women who clearly aren’t parents. It can be humbling to have an outside lens.

Cat and Nat, some hilarious moms talking about mom-shaming.

Brené Brown digs deep in this heart-felt Ted Talk about Shame.

The last five minutes she delves into the realities of shame for men and women.

I’ll leave you with Brené Brown’s words, “Empathy is the antidote to shame”.

The Shadow Side Of Spirituality: Wild Wild Country

June 7, 2018 by Juanita Lepage 3 Comments

Recently, I finished watching the mini-series documentary Wild, Wild Country on Netflix. It tells the story about the time the Indian Guru Osho moved his commune from India to the small town of Antelope in rural Oregon in the early 1980s. The story gives perspectives from residents of Antelope, residents of the commune, law enforcement, and journalists covering the story at the time.

As conflict increases between residents of Antelope and the commune, the power struggle results in attempted murders, lying, poisoning, and more. Was it the fault of the residents of Antelope who were racist and unwelcoming to their new neighbours? Was it the fault of the commune who never took the time to befriend the community of Antelope and instead took steps to annihilate it? As you watch the story unfold the viewer will see that while the behaviors by the inner circle surrounding Osho were clearly on the wrong side of the law, there were no innocent parties in this conflict.

The Shadow

Watching this series got me thinking about the shadow side of spiritual organizations. The shadow is the darker sides or “negative” qualities that lay hidden in an individual or organization. Sometimes the shadow of an organization is recognized by most people, but not talked about.

It can be easy to label Osho and his followers a cult and their experience as an exception to the rule, but every spiritual leader and organization has shadows. Certainly, Catholicism and the sexual abuse perpetrated by many priests is another shadow in religion and spirituality.

Christianity

I remember my first experience of the shadow of religion and spirituality. I will always remember the day that my church split when I was a child. It was a regular Sunday morning service, but then one of the church elders went to the front podium and read a letter that represented half of our church community. The letter said that these people were planning to leave our church community because they didn’t agree with theological aspects of the church. I remember this elder crying, and then I looked behind me at another elder who was sitting there smugly smiling. In that moment, I hated that man and what he represented. Later we found out that our pastor was leaving with this group after he had told some people that he was planning to stay. It felt like a big betrayal to me.

My family was in the group that stayed, and my best friend was in the group that left. Both sides felt like they were the victims, and there was great pain felt in our church community that took years to begin healing. I was fortunate to retain my friendship. My friend’s parents would pick me up on the way to their new church on Sunday mornings and bring me home after the evening service. As a child, I was given a rare opportunity to spend time with both sides of the conflict. As a child, the new church felt about 2% more strict than my own church. As a child I learned that Christianity wasn’t all about believing in Jesus. This was my first experience of the shadow side of religion and spirituality.

Spirituality

As a young adult, I started to idealize a more broader sense of spirituality after my experience of the shadow in Christianity in my church. In my twenties, my husband and I were once in awe of a meditator who had experienced incredible things on his journey and deep insights. After spending more time with him, we realized that he was using his spirituality to raise himself above everyone else. We were dismayed, and the friendship dwindled. Years later I can surmise that he was using self-righteousness to avoid feeling the pain in his life. I’m not proud to say that in that moment we felt more comfortable judging him and then leaving to seek a “better” guru. (The irony is not lost on me – self-righteousness can feel really good)

There were more learnings throughout the years, and my most recent experience was just prior to graduating from Barbara Brennan School of Healing (BBSH). This is a school that taught me most of what I know about energy healing. It is a journey that is both practical and highly spiritual. During my fourth year, part of the shadow side of the school emerged with a situation where 90% of the teachers left. New teachers replaced those teachers after I graduated. I remember seeing this situation unfold and wondering, “Again??” I didn’t feel strongly attached to either side of the conflict. Partially because I was graduating that year, and partially because I felt relief that the teachers became more authentic and human to me.

Even as I wrote about my experience at BBSH, part of me wondered whether someone would be angry for revealing a shadow side of the organization. Keep that hidden!! So, don’t worry BBSH, I can still say that you were an amazing school and would still highly recommend it. It’s not perfect though because it’s full of human beings!

In each situation I’ve written about, there are individuals who will hold onto “their side” of the argument until the end. There are those who will switch sides. There are those who will leave the spiritual group completely.

I find that most spiritual organizations want to keep their shadow side hidden. This is extremely curious to me.

Exploring our own Shadows

In these experiences, we can be the judge and shake our heads at it all. In fact, I did have judgments in each situation. After some time has passed and our emotions surrounding the experience loses some of their intensity, we can use these experiences as an opportunity to explore our own shadow.

I could explore each of the past situations and use them to explore specific part of my own shadow, but today I’m going to explore a larger theme that was held by each situation.

Image/Belief: The more spiritual I/We (person or organization) become, the less shadows I/We should have

Why? There’s a belief that I should be more virtuous or “pure” if I am spiritual

I’m not going to dive too deep today into my own shadow, but I will share a piece of it to give you an example.

I can feel the struggle with being on a spiritual path and whether that fits with drinking alcohol. I was taught at BBSH that when we drink alcohol we become less effective healers. In fact, there is a policy that during each week of school that no alcohol is consumed because the school members noticed a very distinct difference in the quality of energy healing with times when people had drunk alcohol (even a glass) versus when they did not drink alcohol.

I LOVE a glass (or more than a glass) of wine. I like to get together with friends and have many glasses on occasion. I can feel the one part of me that wants to deny myself this pleasure. I can feel another which says to drink a glass whenever I want and don’t worry about it’s impact on my work. Then there is another which says that I shouldn’t write any of this and take on that image of a more “spiritual” person and just have a drink and say nothing. These are all shadow pieces, but the last one is related to the image of a spiritual person not having a shadow.

I am proud to say that I make a point to not drink alcohol 24 hours prior to a session with a client. I have made that commitment.

Do you see what I did there in the last 2 sentences? – I felt shame and then felt it necessary to defend my choice to you and give you a reason to put me back in the “more spiritual category” in case you judged me and dropped me down a level. GUESS WHAT? The level of my alcohol consumption doesn’t make me a better or a more spiritual than another person, yet part of me thinks it does.

Sometimes, I also idealize others who don’t drink and judge those who drink more than me. I can feel shame if I don’t meet my own standards. That’s more of my shadow to explore.

Exploring Your Shadows

After reading all that, you may either want to run far, far away and stop reading, or you may say, “Alcohol? Big deal. My shadow is WAY bigger than that”. You may want to defend or rationalize my choices and give me a pat on the back. Your response is a glimpse into your relationship with your shadow.

When you go on a journey to deepen your connection to the spiritual world, it rarely (if ever) starts with the desire to explore our shadow side. I don’t think any one has ever said to me, “I really want to get in touch with my anger, rage, disappointment, sadness, and shame, so I’m going to explore that more deeply by becoming a (insert type of religion) or go to India to meditate in the Himalayas for a while, maybe spend time at an ashram”.

I know that my spiritual quest has been towards an experience of more freedom, peace, love, joy, and connectedness. Yet the more I explore this path, I’m also brought more closely to my shadow side. The side that takes pleasure in being a victim, escapes when things get difficult, blames others, and takes pleasure in arrogance and self-righteousness. Often as we move towards light qualities we experience the dark ones too.

Putting Our Spiritual Leaders On A Pedestal

On this spiritual journey, we are given leaders whom we often put on a pedestal. In psychology we call this positive transference. These leaders embody something that we desire in our own lives, whether they be pastors, gurus, teachers, or a really good yoga instructor. Who do you look up to as a spiritual mentor in your life? When we meet this person, we may be in awe of them. They have some sort of “wow” factor for us. It can be like meeting a famous musician, actor, or author.

Personally, I have had multiple experiences of putting someone on a spiritual pedestal only to have that pedestal knocked down. Awe may remain, but the reminder is the same – no matter how spiritual a person may be, they’re human. They can be arrogant, selfish, self-righteous, and make mistakes.

This invites the opportunity to own this shadow in myself: I can be arrogant, selfish, self-righteous and make mistakes.

This journey has been sad, angering and jaw-dropping at times. “You’re so spiritual, shouldn’t you know better? Shouldn’t you behave better than this?” Once the dust has settled, I have found this experience to be freeing. Like my previous blog post about the Myth of Perfect Parenting, the message is the same for those on the spiritual path. The goal is not to be rid of the shadow parts of ourselves but to recognize them and relate to them differently. There is wisdom in the shadow. We can look at our shadow pieces as information to help us grow.

Benefits of Exploring Our Shadows

After reading all of this, you may wonder why anyone explores their shadow side.

When we take the pressure off our spiritual leaders to be pure light, it takes the pressure off ourselves too.

When we take the pressure off ourselves to be pure light, we can take the pressure off our spiritual leaders too.

And compassion my friends is one of the reasons we even bother to explore our shadow. If we can be kinder to ourselves, we can also be kinder to others. As we explore our shadow, we also bring in more opportunity for our light qualities of compassion, love, creativity, pleasure, joy, and connectedness. It also gives the shadow less power so that we don’t get to the point where we do something extreme. The shadow gains power in secrecy until it reaches a breaking point. Bringing light to our shadow also brings freedom.

Questions for Further Reflection

If you are considering joining a spiritual or religious organization OR you want to reflect on your shadow on your spiritual journey, here are a few questions to consider. Guess what? You can apply this to politics too. How uncomfortable is that?

Questions when considering joining a spiritual or religious organization:

What are the shadows in this spiritual organization?

Does this organization recognize that it has shadows?

What does it do when it recognizes a shadow?

Do they blame others or take ownership for their shadow? Do they pretend their shadow doesn’t exist? Do they admonish people who show their shadow side?

Why do I want to join an organization that looks like it has no shadow?

Why do I want this spiritual leader to embody all the positive qualities I imagine them to be and none of the negative ones? What does it say about them if they show their negative qualities?

Now take the same questions and ask them about yourself.

Do I recognize some of my shadows? What are some of them?

What do I do when I see a “negative” quality in myself?

Do I blame others or take ownership for my shadow? Do I pretend my shadow doesn’t exist? Do I admonish people who show their shadow side?

Why do I want to appear to the world like I have no negative qualities?

Do I allow myself to have both positive and negative qualities? What happens if I show negative qualities, what does that say about me?

And remember..be compassionate to yourself on this journey. That is key.

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My Family’s Journey With Montessori, Public and Homeschool

December 3, 2017 by Juanita Lepage Leave a Comment

Sometimes you blog to teach something and sometimes to share something. I started this one with the plan to teach something, but after it was written, it felt kind of lacking. So I took the teaching part out and just left my story. Today I’m sharing my journey (so far) with my kids in Montessori, Public and Homeschool.

When my kids were little, I started thinking about what type of school my kids would attend when they were ready. I know in some cities, people have to start booking things before their children are even born. I was fortunate, I didn’t have those types of deadlines. Still, I wanted to explore my choices and make the “best” one for my kids and family. I used a bit of selective research, intuition, and convenience to make my choice. My husband was involved in these decisions, but I will speak to the journey from my perspective.

What are the Choices?

In Ontario, the free choices are Catholic school and Public school which can be in English, French or French-Immersion (French-based education for English speakers). The paid choices are Montessori, Waldorf, and various religious and secular private schools. The other option is homeschooling which is free, but requires a parent to be the teacher.

For many parents the free choices are the only choices. Yet, there are a variety of private schools that are kind to parents who want their child to attend a private school but cannot afford them. You can get scholarships to a local Montessori school and often religious private schools have tuition that is friendly to families with more than one child. I know many families who are on tight budgets that get creative financially so that their kids can go to a private school. So private schools can be an option if one feels passionately about them and the circumstances are in your favour.

Narrow the Choices

Everyone is going to narrow their choices differently. Free or paid? Religious or secular? Which schools will meet our children’s learning needs the most? French or English?

Every parent will pick different priorities. For some parents they have always known which school they want their kids to attend, for others like me, the choices needed to be narrowed.

I started by narrowing my choices by looking at my preferences. I wanted a school where my kids would thrive educationally and socially. Since I wasn’t interested in a school with a religious affiliation, that narrowed my choices. My preferences became public school, Montessori or Waldorf. Next, I did some reading about Montessori and Waldorf-based educations. I put my kids into Montessori-based daycares. Day-care was a great way to try out a different type of educational style because I had to pay for day-care anyways. I looked into Waldorf-based daycares, but their schedule never fit with my schedule and they were the furthest away from me.

Cost, Convenience, Quality of Education, Community

At the end of it all I put my kids into public-school because of the cost, convenience, quality of education and being connected to our local community. My husband and I would look at the cost of Montessori and realized that we weren’t passionate enough about it to commit the money to it. The Montessori school didn’t have bussing and they had more holidays. The kids never experienced Waldorf and since the closest Waldorf school was a 30-minute drive, we took that option off the table. We also knew we wanted to have our kids in French Immersion. My husband had attended a French-Immersion school and had a positive experience with it. He is fluent in French and this has been helpful for him in business and in life. Out of our top choices, the public-school avenue was the only option to also have our children in French-Immersion.

My kids attended public school for a number of years in Canada and then..we moved to France.

French school choices

In France, parents have to make similar choices as they do in Ontario. Free or paid? If you want religious schools, they are private. Montessori and Waldorf are also private. In Aix-en-Provence people also chose based on whether they want their children to apply to the prestigious conservatoire of music program (which allows people to access it for free) – and that would narrow their choices too. Later as students approach highschool (lycée), the choices shift and change once again in a more complex fashion than in Ontario.

The group of moms I befriended had as many different opinions as my friends in Canada. In general, the parents I talked to weren’t as happy as fellow Canadians about the public-school system. Many parents had a story where one teacher was very disrespectful and shaming to one or more of their children. Some families had worked things out with their public school and some had moved their children to a different school. Parents had opposite opinions about the local Montessori school and no one I met seemed very happy with the International schools.

My choice was either homeschool (as I had promised my kids) or put them in public school. Since my husband was the only one working, private schooling wasn’t an option.

I couldn’t work in Aix-en-Provence with the type of Visa I had, so homeschooling was an option. After a couple of months of doing this and hearing the negative stories about the public schools, I committed to it for the year. I also found a great way to add some French for my kids – with a Montessori based practice, Les Ateliers Montessori Flocon D’Épices that offers 2-hour workshops as needed. I had my kids attend these twice a week at a very affordable cost.

In Canada, Homeschooling is quite popular so there are a lot more options about getting together with other people who homeschool in your area. Homeschooling is not as popular in France as it is in Ontario. During my year in Provence I met one other family who homeschooled, and that happened by chance. I couldn’t find anyone by searching online.

Homeschooling – the reality

I admit I have always had a romantic notion about homeschooling. I knew I never wanted to do it forever, but France presented itself with an opportunity to try it out for a year. All those things you don’t like about large classrooms disappear. Bullying – not a problem. Can’t play on the grass during the rain? Not an issue. Your child learns better with a different style? As a parent/teacher I can adapt and focus on my children’s needs.

But then – you are with your children ALL the time. Before I started homeschooling I asked some parents who homeschool for some tips. That’s right I did some selective research! My favourite response from a mom, when I asked her how she managed being with her kids all the time, was prayer. I definitely prayed for patience sometimes. Other days I just had a glass of wine. When in France…

Kidding aside (half-truth), in those tough times I would often take a deep breath and take some space when I needed it by finding a room where I could close a door behind me. I definitely lost my cool at times and said and did all those things you’re not supposed to. I would threaten to put them in French public school or yell at them when they were giving me a hard time.

So what type of school has been best for my kids?

The Kids Vote

My kids have tried an Ontario public school, Montesorri in two different daycares, and in twice-weekly workshops in France and homeschool. If you asked my kids what their favourite was it would be their public school. They like being around other kids and they liked that there’s a gym. They probably had more work to do in public school, but that didn’t change their answer. Their next favourite would be homeschool because it was in English, they got to spend time with their mom and had less work to do. They said they liked homeschool because the days weren’t as long as public school. Their least favourite would be Montessori but only because it was in French. If it hadn’t been in French, I’m sure their perspective would’ve been different. My oldest was very proud of some of the stuff he learned in his Montessori sessions.

So how did the kids narrow their preference? Access to friends was the main priority. Having activities in English were a bonus, amount of work, then teachers.

My kids have had the fortunate experience of having great teachers and haven’t had the experience where they really didn’t like a teacher. My guess is that if they had a teacher they strongly disliked, that this would have influenced their decision more.

Mom’s vote

My favourite was Montessori – I really like Marie Montessori’s theories around education and love the hands-on learning and seeing the child as expert of their own learning. My kids have had 3 very different Montessori-based teachers. 2 different ones in day-care and 1 in Aix-en-Provence. Seeing such a difference was great – sometimes I imagined a Montessori teacher to be this calm, open-hearted yet firm teacher and that all teachers were like this. Maybe because of the videos I watched of Montessori in action.

Sometimes I would idealize Montessori, but like many schools – there are many factors that make a school the best fit for a person. Some schools offer better quality of education, others have a great parent community, some schools fit offer a learning style that fits your children’s learning style. You get great teachers and crappy teachers in any school system you choose (homeschool included haha). Some schools are free and some are very expensive. If Montessori was free in Canada, I would hands-down put them in this type of schooling.

Public school and home schooling both still have pros and cons.

It has been a treat to not make lunches every day or get up at 6:30 in the morning. We get up in the morning and start when we’re ready – usually by 9:30. Sometimes school is in pajamas and sometimes not. My relationship with my kids has deepened – we became very close. I also learned a lot about setting boundaries and pushing my kids to do things even when they didn’t want to. I liked that in homeschool I could add subjects that were of interest to my kids or me and remove other subjects. I am interested in energy healing so I added some teaching around that. We talked with a woman who does animal communication, and we did a lot of learning being immersed in another culture. Ordering something at the local boulangerie (bakery) or playing with kids who only spoke French. My oldest took an interest in Greek mythology and listened to all the Percy Jackson and Heroes of Olympus books. They read Asterix books and learned about the Gauls and Romans. We visited many places that were related to both of these series.

I also like having my kids in the public school in Canada because I like the school that they attend. It’s not that it doesn’t have issues, but teachers are excellent and I like that so many of my neighbours also have children who attend the same school. You get to connect and know each other and my kids get to know more of the neighbours as well. Some of my best friends are parents of other kids from that school. My kids have learned a lot at that school. My kids have been complimented frequently on their French accent – which the mainly achieved from the French-Immersion program they attended in Ontario.

In France I narrowed my choices by cost, quality of education, and really just filling that bucket-list item of trying out homeschool.

Conclusion

Just like the Myth of Perfect Parenting, my journey with schooling has connected me to my values. Ultimately, I want my kids to be in a school where they are respected and in an environment where they thrive educationally and as people.

Like families, schools are full of people, and when you combine people sometimes things will flow and sometimes there will be conflict. There are better quality schools than others, and schools that handle conflict and issues better than others. Like parents, teachers have good days and bad days.

My kids have thrived and struggled in different ways in each type of school they have experienced. There hasn’t been a “best” school. Like parenting, I’ve found it best to see what is working for our family right now and make shifts as needed. How has your journey with school been with your kids?

The Myth of Perfect Parenting

A Podcast & 3 Books To Stir Up Some Conversation